The Missing Link
It’s time for Whose Blog Is It Anyway?! The show where everything’s made up, and the points don’t matter! That’s right, the points are like telling people not to spoil Twilight Princess on the ‘Blog! Hi, I’m your host, Drew Linky. C’mon let’s have some fun!
Yes, okay, that was a bad joke. I’ll admit it. But seriously, though…
Anyway, wow! How long has it been when all of you didn’t start threatening me with promises of death if I didn’t do this one particular topic? I mean, for the first time in what seems like forever, there weren’t mobs standing outside ZeldaBlog HQ (thank the goddesses!) demanding a particular topic. Actually, it’s kind of bad at the same time because then I actually have to choose. (Farore forbid that the TML actually has to do work!) So yes, today’s Whose Blog? will be something of a surprise for many of you because you probably don’t know which idea I’m going to pull from the hat (that is, unless you’ve looked at the post title and the categories this post is under, at which point, poo on you)… and that means you should be afraid… very afraid… Mwahahahahaha! (Seriously, you can cower in fear now. I recommend it.)
Okay, so it was mentioned quite early on that Link is silent within the Zelda series. This was mentioned in an article waaaaaaay back when ZeldaBlog was but a baby blog. (Awww, how cuuuuute!) However, it was more of a passing mention, and since then such humoristic memes as metafiction had not sprung forth from the Hero of Blog (that’s me, in case you didn’t catch that, ha ha), it certainly deserves a second article, this time solely devoted to the topic at hand. Therefore, ZeldaBlog is proud to entertain you with the newest iteration of the world-renowned Whose Blog? series: Silence Is Golden!
“Good news, everyone!” said Sage Rauru as he came into the Chamber of the Sages.
“What’s going on?” asked Zelda as she sat up from her prior sleeping position on the couch. “Please say you invented some device to make Tingle pick up the pyramid of Chateaux Romani bottles he’s been drinking. It’s starting to attract bugs.” She wrinkled her nose rather cutely despite the fact that it was in sheer disgust.
“Wah wah! Go blow it out your baloon,” Tingle blurted out from behind the heaping stack of bottles. “Besides, didn’t you agree with Saria that we should be more in tune with nature? I’m just bringing here to us!”
Rauru shook his head. “Please, such a device wouldn’t even be a challenge to invent, and it is my intent to go down in history as the greatest Sage in history, and I won’t get it by designing novelty inventions.” Zelda sighed and plopped back down onto the couch.
By this time, Link was generally interested in the conversation, wondering exactly what was going on. “Well, if it’s not that, what is it, Sage?”
“We got our first piece of fan mail today! Isn’t that great?” From the stack of mail that had recently arrived, Sage Rauru held up a small envelope with sloppy handwriting on its cover. “Who wants the privilege of reading this?”
“Me! Me! Oh pick me, Sage!” cried Ruto, almost instantly hopping up and down in front of the Sage. “Oh I want to read it!”
“How about you, Darunia?” Rauru said, virtually oblivious to Ruto’s hyperactivity. In a moment, Ruto appeared to get all depressed as her cheecks shifted from blue to pink in embarrassment.
“Finally!” said Darunia in a thick accent. “Someone around here finally recognises my talents! This is my lucky day!” Quickly using the jagged polygons of his hands to slice through the envelope, he removed the letter and began to read. “‘Dear Sir and/or Madam: You have been presented with the unique opportunity to receive a twelve-month subscription to Playgerudo magazine for the low, low cost of just 59.99 rupees. In order to receive this exclusive offer, we invite you to fill out the subscription card included with this’—Wait, I don’t get it. This is fan mail?”
“It’s fan mail for me,” scoffed Rauru rather defensively. “I’ve always been a fan of the great Ganondorf Heffner and have always wanted to be him. Ahh, I can remember the days of my youth now. It all started back when…”
Zelda coughed at this point, her brow furrowed. “Let’s skip the flashback that would eternally haunt our nightmares until the day we would die. What other mail do we have?”
“Oh, right,” Rauru continued, snapping back to reality. “Well, we received a mail from Nintendo with the script for Phantom Hourglass.”
“Oh boy! Gimme here!” At this point, Tingle ran headlong towards the Sage, knocking over his pyramid tribute to alcohol over—splashing Darunia in the face, much to his annoyance—and snatched the thick envelope out of the Sage’s hands. “I hope I’m in this one!” With some demonic power, he tore through the script with unimaginable speed, scanning each page for mention of his name. “What the? I’m not in this thing?” In a huff, Tingle throws the script down onto the floor. “Do I no longer get any love from Nintendo? This script can bite my pink fleshy—”
“Hey! I wonder if I will finally get a speaking line this time!” Link said with naïve enthusiasm. Getting up out of the chair, he quickly picks the script up and starts leafing through it. “Oh this part is going to be great when I finally get to take my little boat into outer space… oh and here I’m collecting 129 weird bugs to give to this bug collector lady, and… oh my goddesses, in this scene, Zelda actually looks at me…!” Link hugs the script to his chest at this point and glances rather slyly to Zelda, convinced that there is some greater meaning to it than this. As always, Zelda just rolled her eyes with contempt.
“Boooooring!” cried Tingle.
“Don’t listen to him, Link,” Ruto said to Link. “Tell us if you get a speaking line!”
“Alright. Let’s see… uh… aw, man! I’m getting shafted for speaking lines again! All of my speaking lines are just this ‘dot dot dot’ stuff. And I don’t even get to say ‘dot dot dot’! They keep telling me in the recording studio that the periods are all silent!”
“Aw, cheer up!” Ruto said, coming over to comfort Link. “I mean, it could be really worse. They could have cel-shaded you again like that horrible Wind Waker game was. Or they could have forced you to wear that same girly green dress that you’ve been wearing forever. Or they could have completely screwed up the controls so you can’t use the D-pad to move. Or they…” Suddenly, Ruto became aware of what she was saying, and slowly she took a step back, getting really quiet. “Oh. Well, er, it could be worse.”
“That’s it!” Link says with disgust. “I’ve had it with Nintendo only giving me a two-bit part despite the fact that there are 64 bits in the processor now! I’m going to go make an online petition and then complain on a whole bunch of Internet forums.”
“Hmmm… I’ve got a better idea, Link,” Rauru replied as Link was walking off. “Why don’t we dig out the What-If Machine and see what it has to say!”
“Good idea, Sage!” Link said enthusiastically. Quickly he stepped up to the microphone of the crazy device hooked up to the Triforce and cleared his throat. “I’ve always wanted to see a script for a Zelda game where I actually get speaking lines.”
“Could you ask that in the form of a question?” asked Sage Rauru.
“Uhm… what if… that think I said?”
The Sage pulled the lever on the What-If Machine, all the while wondering why the narrator had decided to reuse a joke that had been used the last time there was a Zelda/Futurama parody, and gradually the monitor on the What-If Machine came to life and began to show Link’s request.
It was a bright and sunny day. The birds were singing, the flowers were in full bloom… and Link was sleeping in his little bed within his treehouse. Loudly. Finally a fairy flies in the room, obviously in a great hurry on an errand of great importance… and quite annoyed to find the boy asleep. “Hello, Link!” No response. “Wake up! The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you!” No response again. “Link, get up!” Link moans now, but still he refuses to budge from his bed.
By this point, Navi is fit to be tied. “HEY! C’MON! CAN HYRULE’S DESTINY REALLY DEPEND ON SUCH A LAZY BOY?” Finally, at long last, Link wakes up from Navi’s powerful set of lungs, and Link sits up on his bed. “You finally woke up! I’m Navi the fairy!”
Link grins and waves casually to the fairy. “Preased to you meet, I are. You may name me Rinku.”
Navi at this point completely freezes in place, barely moving her wings after bathing in Link’s reply. “Uh… what did you just say?” she asks, completely convinced that she just heard it wrong.
Link tilts his head to the side, wondering why she was asking him to repeat what he said, but whatever it was, he was happy to oblige. “I will say then it another time. Preased to you meet, I are. You may name me Rinku.”
The sweatdrop rolling down Navi’s temple was probably quite visible by now. “Uh, what sort of language are you speaking. It’s completely… not right.”
“I do not you understand. I language is all good and… wait two minute… what voice are this that which I speak in?”
At this point, the floating head of Shigeru Miyamoto appears in all its glory within Link’s little abode, grinning from ear to ear. “How are you do, my male child?”
“Father!” Link cries in an attempt to hug him, yet Link completely falls through the hologram of Miyamoto-san, landing upon his face. Quickly he picks himself up and looks at the vision of his creator. “What are taking prace now? How come is it I speaks with such stranger accent?”
Navi scoffs in a half-laugh. “Accent isn’t the half of it.”
The floating head of Miyamoto chuckles idly after Link speaks. “Oh ho ho, you make great raughs in me, Rinku-san. It is with most great preasure that I come to here to you to give most preasant news. You have been given many speaking rines in Zeruda game. Are you excited not?”
Link watches Miyamoto with absolute amazement. “Happy am I forever for this! But I are great confused. Why speak I rike this form? Navi no can understanding me.”
Navi jingles a little bit, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
“Oh ho ho, I see probrem now. I explain to you,” Miyamoto said with glee. “You see, fans all across worrd want voice acting in game, want Rinku-san to finally speak in Zeruda game. And I not want any of it. But all other director make me compromising to do this, so I agree… but onry if I was abre to write all of Rinku-san’s dialogue in game. And they agree because you my character! I even do transrating myself, too! Is great news, you not agree?”
Link looked totally shell-shocked at this. Try as he might, he just couldn’t find the words to agree with him (half of it due to the fact that he wasn’t sure what sort of words would actually be uttered if he tried!). Link just nodded silently, fearful of what his creator would do if he disagreed, for the wrath of Miyamoto his creator was fierce indeed.
“Good, I grad you agree,” Miyamoto said with great gusto. “OK, we continue Zeruda game now! Go!” And in an instant, Miyamoto was gone, leaving just Navi, Link, and a great deal of awkwardness.
Navi looked nervously over to Link… who was looking nervously at Navi. “So… Deku Tree?” Navi said rather unceremoniously.
Link simply nodded.
In the days that would then follow, Link would attempt small phrases off-camera, failing each time to come up with a coherent sentence. In the end, Link simply resorted to one-line responses to get Navi’s attention, phrases such as “Hey!”, “Look!”, and “Listen!” Navi, of course, was obscenely humoured by Link’s inability to speak sentences, and so she would mockingly repeat these one-line sentences back at Link, eventually encouraging Link to never speak again. Even worse, Link could do nothing about the situation, for Navi had become all the voice that he had, and she had to perform all of the talking between Link and the other friends he would meet, thus preventing him from bottling up his fairy companion forever. After a long time, Link became so distraught over his inability to speak properly that he went insane and became Tingle, which as we all know is another great product straight from the mind of the greatest video game creator ever.
The screen fizzled out and all of the viewers gradually came out of their trance. For a moment, there was a calming sense of silence that washed over the room, a silence that was as powerful as the golden glow of the Triforce before them. There followed a continued awkward pause as everyone scratched their heads, unsure of what to say to the curious (and now completely disenchanted) Link.
Finally a lone voice cut through the silence.
“Don’t worry, Link,” said Ruto. “Even if you could talk, if I ever got my hands on you, my lips wouldn’t let your lips get a word in edgewise because they’d be too busy—”
And before that cutscene gives anyone nightmares until the day everyone dies, we invite you to tune in next time for more… Taaaaales oooooof Inteeeerreeeeeeest!Follow This Entry | Read Other Posts by The Missing Link