The Missing Link
So yes, if you happened to read the first post of Darth Citrus’ latest A.S.S.A., yes, that little son of a Deku Scrub stole a good portion of the topic that I was working on (and, though I hate to admit it, he did it better than I!). However, they say that all is fair in love and war, and so two can indeed play this game. I figure it’s only right to steal his idea in return, and I think you’ll love me much more for this idea rather than my old one…
So… speaking of spin-off games for the Zelda series, I haven’t written a metafiction in a while, and so I bet that you’re just antsy to get another one. And such it is. And by reading the title of this article, you can probably guess where this one is going. Hilarity will hopefully ensue for fans of the series, and for those of you who haven’t experienced Phoenix Wright, hilarity will ensue… until you realise what a great game you’re missing out on; then you will be sad, very sad, morose even. So I present to you now the adventures of Phoelink Wright: Hero Attorney!
January 16, 12:34 PM
Phoelink Wright sat down upon the small bench within the lobby, sighing with relief. The courtroom drama had proved to be much more difficult than he had ever anticipated. Why couldn’t the prosecutor have been Miles Daruniworth like it usually was? Why… why did it have to be Ganonfried von Karma?
“Cheer up, ‘Link,” piped a very small voice as a hand was placed on his shoulder. “You’ve managed to get this far.”
That voice belonged to his assistant Sarya Fey, the daughter of his old mentor. She wasn’t an attorney’s stereotypical assistant either. No, she was hardly a secretary and naïve as anything—always seeming to want to play or go off on wild tangents, even when at the scene of a murder. She always was into summoning spirits and such. Yet she was a close friend to him, and almost begrudgingly he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else there with him each time he had to face the Judge Rauru in court.
“Barely,” Phoelink said with exasperation. The case had looked hopeless from the very beginning, a virtual open and shut case for the prosecution. The only reason he had agreed to defend Zelda Legend was because she had practically begged him to do so; no other attorney would dare touch her case… and now Phoelink knew why. “Ganonfried von Karma is insidious; he’ll do anything to win. Every time I manage to get a hit in, he counters back twice as hard. Just when you think you’ve got him defeated, he’s already changed strategies and one step ahead. If the judge doesn’t keep taking away my hearts, I’m going to lose this trial.”
“Well, losing the hearts is your own fault. Honestly, you should have known not to use the Deku Nuts to prove a contradiction in Navi Starr’s testimony. And the Hookshot. And the Lantern. And the Boomerang… It’s a complete coincidence that you happened to find them all in the castle! It’s that Ocarina of Time that—”
“Excuse me,” interrupted another. Hers was a female voice, lower than Sarya’s yet much more calm, surprising considering her predicament. It was that of my client, Zelda. “I hate to interrupt, but… they’re going to find me guilty today, aren’t they?”
Phoelink Wright put his hand behind his capped hair, grinning rather nervously. “Well, er… no… that is to say, the judge hasn’t ruled yet, and there’s still that one detail that shows you didn’t murder your father. I completely believe that you didn’t do it.”
“Thanks,” she said serenely, but at the same time, Phoelink knew that she was nervous deep down. Her life was on the line on this one, and the prospects still looked very grim. Yet because of Phoelink’s courage, or at least his feigned attempts thereof, she had been able to keep from looking too distraught. “Because I didn’t kill him, honestly! I truthfully don’t know how my Ocarina of Time found its way to the scene of the crime. I know I had left it in the Temple of Time for the final celebration that night.”
“It doesn’t matter. Whoever did it must have stolen it from the Temple and planted it there to frame you. I just… I just don’t have any way to prove that yet, that’s all! Just… just believe in me, we’ll… we’ll figure it out…” Again, that nervous grin appeared upon his face as the words I hope flitted through his mind. Why he always lived so dangerously, pulling out these complete miracles in his court cases well beyond the eleventh hour was beyond him. And that time was upon him once again… and as always, things were not looking good. Why did he ever set himself up for this?
“Excuuuuuuuse me, princess*, but court is resuming in a minute,” announced the baliff. Phoelink looked over to the short man dressed in Kokiri green with a floppy cap resembling Phoelink’s own. “Though personally, I think I should force you to take a shield with you if you insist on continuing to take Ganonfried’s beatings all day!” Phoelink scowled at him as he walked into the courtroom with Sarya and Zelda Legend, waiting for the death knell of this case.
January 16, 12:52 PM
The pound of the gavel rang loudly throughout the courtroom. All eyes faced up to the Honourable Judge Rauru. “Court is back in session for the trial of Miss Zelda Legend,” he said in a slightly raspy voice, his pacing of words just a little slower, indicating quite prominently the years that he had seen. “Before the recess, if memory serves me correctly, the defense had presented an interesting theory about the ocarina found at the scene.”
“That’s right,” Phoelink chimed in rather quickly, hoping to keep the momentum swinging towards his side of the case. “While it is true that Miss Legend’s ocarina was found next to the body, Detective Tingleshoe mentioned that while her fingerprints were found on the instrument, no trace of her lipstick upon the mouthpiece could be found, despite the fact that witnesses heard music moments before the actual murder took place.”
The judge nodded after Phoelink finished. “That’s right, I remember now. Does the prosecution have any remarks about this?”
All eyes shifted over to the hulking man standing behind the prosecution’s desk. As Phoelink looked at Ganonfried’s olive skin and frightening, inhuman eyes, Link flashed an unsure grin at his opponent. Ganonfried, however, didn’t seem to notice or even be concerned by the last remaining piece of evidence that hadn’t been wrapped up and packaged into a guilty sentence of Phoelink’s client. He was ruthlessly efficient… and unfortunately for Phoelink, with emphasis on the ruthless part. “Bah!” he said in a loud dismissal. “That is easily explainable; she wiped the lipstick off with her hand. Judge, your verdict now!”
Phoelink was taken aback by von Karma’s swift dismissal of the argument, so much so that he did a double take back to the judge to make sure that he wasn’t the only one who heard it. Yes, Ganonfried had dared to just ignore the loose thread and brute force his way to a guilty verdict. And how! He said it with such authority that even Phoelink was thinking that it could have been possible.
“That makes sense—” the judge started to say.
“Phoelink, do something! Say anything!” Sarya pleaded. “If not, the judge will declare a verdict at any moment!” Yet Phoelink was in a daze, completely befuddled by the previous few moments. Yet despite the fact that time seemed to stand still, the judge’s gavel was knocking upon his podium once more.
Phoelink’s arm finally unfroze and, without missing a single beat, his finger was outstretched in a pose of victory. “O-O-O-OBJECTION!” Phoelink finally managed to stutter.
The judge rolled his eyes at Phoelink once more, apparently used to this last-minute manouevre. “Yes, Mr. Wright?”
“T-th-that’s… that’s impossible!” Phoelink managed to say, still recovering. “If the defendent had been that careful to remove her lipstick from the Ocarina of Time, then certainly she would have been smart enough to wipe down the entire instrument for prints. If anything, that small detail would show that my client was not the murderer!”
“OBJECTION!” bellowed Ganonfried von Karma. “You have no proof to sustain that belief.”
By this time, the judge seemed to be getting antsy with what could have easily become the back-and-forth argumentation that had been the norm since they had set foot into the courtroom. “Now just hold on a minute here, Mr. Wright has a point, von—”
“QUIET, JUDGE!” yelled Ganonfried at the judge, a yell that promptly forced the old man to remain quiet. “I bet you’d like to present proof about that, boy? Go ahead, try to show some evidence that your client would have done so.”
Von Karma had control of the courtroom once again, forcing Phoelink back into his own corner, struggling to survive. The focus of the court audience rested squarely upon his shoulders, and unconfidently Phoelink began mentally reviewing the various clues and titbits of evidence that he had collected. Time was running out for him to say something, and Phoelink was at a complete loss for how to prove something as silly as his client having a single ounce of intelligence. In a panic, not sure what to go with, he quickly retrieved the Deku Nuts from his pocket, figuring that these things had to be useful some time during the court case. “TAKE THAT!” Phoelink yelled back. “This here clearly proves, er… uhm…”
The judge simply shook his head, knowing clearly that Phoelink was buying time now. “I’m afraid I don’t see the connection on this one, Mr. Wright. You know the drill; I have to penalise you a heart for that.”
Link winced under the weight of yet another penalty on his record. No matter how hard he tried, he could always attract them no matter how good his case was going. “Sorry, your honour. Give me another moment to think about this.” Pausing for yet another moment, again frantically reviewing through all the items he had found, a sudden connection was made in his brain, and this time he came out with the dagger that had been used to stab Zelda’s father. “TAKE THAT!”
“What’s this?” the judge innocently asked, seemingly having forgotten what the very murder weapon even looked like.
“This, your honour, is the murder weapon. I’d like to direct your attention to the hilt of the dagger once again. As you might remember from last time, the Guard was unable to find any fingerprints on the murder weapon.”
“So what?” Ganonfried said darkly. “I already proved that the murderer—your client—could have wiped her fingerprints off of the murder weapon. Stop wasting our precious time!”
“But that’s just the point,” Phoelink retorted, this time coming on strong, perfectly confident in his analysis. “If Miss Zelda Legend was smart and careful enough to remove her fingerprints from the dagger and her lipstick from the ocarina, then how come she failed to remove her fingerprints from the ocarina when she left it at the scene?”
“GAH!” von Karma shrieked in fury, finding that the one shred of doubt still remaining in the case was still open… yet he quickly regained his composure and tossed aside the detail as if it did not bother him. “It is no matter. I can present even better proof to show that Miss Legend was the murderer. Judge!”
“Yes, sir!” Rauru spoke obediently. Phoelink just sighed inwardly. Honestly, why couldn’t the judge ever be the defence’s lapdog instead of the prosecution’s? he thought.
“I’m calling my next witness. Now!”
Moments later, a Zora femme had taken her place behind the witness stand. From the looks of it, she looked virtually tickled pink to be there, almost as if she didn’t care that this was a courtroom where they were trying someone for murder… not to mention that quite frequently, her eyes would wander over to the defence attorney and ogle and wink at him. Phoelink merely put his head upon the table, shaking it as if his head were in searing pain… and actually it was. Why, oh why, cannot we ever get sane witnesses behind the witness stand?
“Name and occupation, now!” bellowed von Karma to the Zora girl.
“Hey, Mr. Defence Attorney! Wouldn’t ya know it? We happen t’meet again!”
“NAME AND OCCUPATION, NOW!”
“Tarnation, you don’t have to be rude, guy. Whatever happen’d t’your manners? Fine, the name’s Rutta Hart. I’m an ‘independent photographer.’ Gonna be right famous one day when I get my big scoop!”
Von Karma looked like he was about to burst a gasket as the witness continued talking. “Nobody cares about what you’re going to be. Stop wasting our air! Testify right now about what you saw.”
“Sheesh, everyone’s all so cotton-pickin’ angry here…” Rutta said passively as a frown came over her features. All Phoelink could think was that none of this could pose anything good for his case… or his sanity.
“I was walkin’ through the hallways of the castle on that day,” Rutta began, her voice clear and precise, almost as if the precise speech had been rehearsed (quite a possibility with Ganonfried, sadly), “an’ alluva sudden, I heard a nice medley comin’ a small ways off. I liked the tune of it, so I started lookin’ for whoever was playin’! Once I found the room though, the playin’ had stopped. I saw her standing there, lookin’ square at the dead guy! I started snappin’ pictures, thinkin’ that this would be a great scoop!”
Rutta looked proudly towards von Karma, almost as if asking him if she had said it exactly as planned, but Ganonfried dared not give any hint of the sort. She then turned toward Phoelink and smiled, giving him a small flirtatious wink, and he couldn’t help but grimace, hoping that the judge would call delay the case for one more day just so he could be rid of Rutta for just a few minutes. That girl had been nothing shy of a bad habit since he had met her. Sadly, this was the third, and, by law, final, day of the trial; no such luck would occur for Phoelink today.
“And did you happen to take a picture of this while you were there?” the judge inquired.
“Reckon course! Here ya’ be!”
Rutta’s Photograph added to the Court Record!
“You see? The witness and the picture prove it!” laughed von Karma. “There’s no need to cross-examine the witness; we can move directly onto the verdict.”
“Hold on, hold on, please!” Phoelink begged; just by the sound of his voice, one could easily tell he was flabbergasted. “Regardless, I’d… really still like to cross-examine the witness, if I may!”
“That’s fine,” the judge said. “But I’ll not have you badgering the witness like you’re prone to do, Mr. Wright. Stick to the facts… or else you’ll be racking up another penalty.” Phoelink gulped; how nice it was to have such a “fair and balanced” judge…
“HOLD IT! So tell me, Rutta,” Phoelink began, his hand upon his chin as if in thought, “what were you doing at the castle that day?”
“Well, suga’ plum, I was—”
“OBJECTION! That question is irrelevant to the case. Stick to the topic!”
The judge, unfortunately, was already nodding his head. “I agree. Objection sustained. Continue on.”
Phoelink could do nothing but sigh. Such was the case with every court battle. At least he wasn’t penalised this time; there was a silver lining in all those skies of grey! “Alright, so… HOLD IT! What time was it when you finally were able to find the room where Mr. Legend had been killed?”
The Zoran woman looked to the ceiling and thought for a moment. “I can’t rightly say, y’see. I don’t own one of ‘dem watches, so I could only guess that maybe it was 10:15 in the evenin’?”
“Ten-fifteen,” Phoelink asked curiously. “That took place five minutes after the murder. Yet you said that you were at the room when the music ended? How could it have taken five minutes to get into the room to see what happened?”
“Well, y’see, the door to th’room was locked. As the music stopped, I heard a man gaspin’ fer air, hollerin’ fer help! I couldn’t get in, so I had to run to find a Guardsman to open the room!”
Phoelink thought to himself about this, trying to figure out the Zora girl’s game. Something didn’t seem to be adding up here, but Ganonfried had been shooting him down all day, nailing him every time he strayed from the topic. Inevitably, Phoelink decided to press further. “But what you’re saying is that there was a period of time then when you weren’t there by the room, a period of maybe five minutes?”
Rutta flashed her eyes at Link just like a Southern belle. “Well, the castle is sucha big place an’ all. How could ya possibly expect me to find a Guardsman in so short a time?”
“But because of that, someone could’ve left the room during those five minutes! Clearly someone besides Miss Zelda Legend could’ve been there in that room and left, making it uncertain whether she was the murderer or not!”
“OBJECTION! The defence is clearly speculating. Care to back up that with proof, proof that someone else was in the room?”
Not again, Phoelink thought begrudgingly. How come I’m was the one who always has to prove every little statement and never the prosecution? Again, he quickly scanned the Court Record, desperate to find proof. He knew it had to be there; he knew the contradiction just had to be there! But where was it?!
Finally on a whim, he brought out the Deku Nuts again. This has to be the time to use them! “TAKE THAT!”
The judge seemed less than convinced. “What does that have to do with anything, Mr. Wright?”
“It… er… clearly shows… uh… the contradiction…”
Rauru was already shaking his head. “You don’t sound too confident. I’m going to have to penalise you another heart.” Again Phoelink was wincing, knowing that he didn’t win any points with the judge on that one.
“Give me one more chance, honest,” Phoelink said, and he returned to mentally leafing through the Court Record. Whatever he was looking for, he knew that the evidence had to be there… but nothing seemed to represent conclusive evidence. Nothing seemed to make a connection… except… “TAKE THAT!” he said again, this time with much greater confidence. He presented Rutta’s picture.
“What’s that?” asked the judge, causing Link to wonder if Rauru was merely blind as a bat or simply retarded. “Is that… Rutta’s photograph?”
“It is. I’ve been looking at it, and I think something is wrong with this picture.”
“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that picture,” Ganonfried von Karma boasted. “A von Karma is always perfect! Go ahead, show us the contradiction is in that picture!”
Again with the proof! Phoelink sighed. He studied the photograph and had hoped the idea would have come to him by now, but apparently not. His finger explored the picture, trying to find something that seemed out of place. Absent-mindedly, his finger gradually started drifting over to the small scraps of Deku Nuts resting upon the floor, obviously spilled by someone who had been in the room, but quickly Phoelink grabbed his hand with the other and jerked it away, making sure not to fall for that trap again… for the thirteenth time this case! Yet then his eye caught view of something… a small golden triangle that was peeking out from behind the chair where the dead body of Zelda’s father rested peacefully. “TAKE THAT!” he screamed. “The contradiction is right here!”
“You mean, the chair?” the judge asked, trying to hold the picture away from his eyes so that he could see it.
“No, not the chair, your honour,” Phoelink responded. “Look behind the chair.”
“Oh! Dearie me, there’s a triangle there!”
“Exactly! It’s a golden triangle, and we all know that that’s the very shape of our kingdom’s attorney badges!” Link promptly whipped out his favourite tool, his attorney’s badge, a simple triangle plated with gold, showing it to the courtroom. “Whoever the murderer was accidentally dropped their badge before leaving.”
All of a sudden, Ganonfried von Karma seemed to be sweating bullets. He was quite visibly uncomfortable by this time, his hand idly feeling for his own badge, a badge that was obviously not on his person. Yet still, he tried to stall for time, trying to hide the fact that he didn’t have his own badge with him, but it turned out to be a glaring mistake as Phoelink’s attention was drawn to that very fact. “But… but Zelda Legend is an attorney as well!” he cried, trying to distract Phoelink and the court. “She could have dropped her badge!”
“HOLD IT! Not so fast, von Karma! Aren’t you forgetting? Detective Tingleshoe found Miss Legend’s badge on her when she was brought to the Guard Station before the trial began. And Rutta just mentioned that she snapped pictures right as she arrived at the scene of the crime… and the Guard immediately arrested Miss Legend on sight. There’s no way it could have been Miss Legend!”
“But… Mr. Wright,” the judge began, “who could have possibly been the murderer then?”
“Perhaps you should ask von Karma over there, your honour. Let’s look at the possibility that it wasn’t Zelda Legend, that she was, indeed, somehow unconscious at the time as she testified. He, von Karma, was the only other attorney at the private celebration that night, other than myself, and I have my badge here. No one has asked him where he was at the time of the murder either.” Already, von Karma was looking increasingly nervous as he continued searching desperately for his badge. “Your honour, I would like to theorise that von Karma knew about the ocarina being left in the Temple of Time, stole it from its resting place, came into the Royal Chambers and used Zelda’s Lullaby to coddle her to sleep. He had the opportunity, he had the ability, and his motive was to become the greatest prosecutor in the land by ruining Zelda Legend’s career! And, look, he’s trying desperately to find his prosecutor’s badge… which, speaking of, would you so kindly show yours to the court to prove your innocence, von Karma?”
Finally, after the last pocket had been turned inside out, a pocket that, incidentally, did not have his prosecutor’s badge but did happen to spill several small bits of Deku Nuts upon his desk, he let out an incredible scream.
“NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! How could I have been caught? A von Karma is perfect! NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!…”
Moments later, the prosecutor’s bench was empty, and the judge seemed to nod his head fervently. “Well, I guess that solves the mystery. I’m ready to rule on this case now… finally. Any final objections, Mr. Phoelink Wright?”
“The defence rests, your honour.”
“Finally! Then I hereby declare Miss Zelda Legend to be…
Confetti suddenly came down from the ceiling, showering the courtroom with celebration and mirth. Once more, another job well done thanks to Phoelink Wright: Hero Attorney!
* This line is actually used in Phoenix Wright 2: Justice for All. I kid you not.Follow This Entry | Leave a Response | Trackback
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