Before we begin, I would like to correct some mistakes in my previous ASSA’s that I shamefully made regarding Twilight Princess.
In my December 2005 edition of A Somewhat Serious Article: Linkwhopin’, I erroneously stated that Ganondorf would receive the “mother of all Linkwhopin’s”. Link is not at all present in Twilight Princess and thus cannot “Linkwhop” Ganondorf.
In my discussion of the Twilight Princess delay in “The Twilight Princess Delay”, I calculated that Twilight Princess would again be delayed in the August of 2025. Revised calculations now show July 2025 to be the correct timeframe.
And finally in my article “Much Ado About Deku Nuts” I sadly jumped to the exciting conclusion that Deku Nuts were to make a triumphant return in Twilight Princess. Sadly this is not the case. Instead of stunning their victims Ocarina of Time style, Deku Nuts are now “doomsday weapons”, capable of annihilating Hyrule Castle in a single hit. This change makes it the only weapon you will use in the game, simultaneously destroying any former elegance it once had.
I hope you all have it within your heart to forgive these blatant oversights on my part. It will not happen again. Now to the actual article.
Festive salutations and traditional New Years greetings to all the loyal Zelda Blogites out there. This article was intended to be in line with New Years festivities. However I was unable to do so due to sickness and now it’s the thirteenth. Just pretend its New Years Day for effect. Also please note that this article references some aspects of Twilight Princess but goes out of it’s way to not spoil it for anyone. So comment accordingly.
Well 2006 has come and gone and what a year it was. For most of us it was spent eagerly anticipating the next installment of the Zelda series: Twilight Princess. The rest was spent playing Twilight Princess instead of studying for finals and stuff.
While many people, including myself, thought the game was amazing, I can’t help but wonder if Nintendo is running out of steam. Sure Twilight Princess had the whole wolf aspect thing and the concept of sword fighting on the Wii was really cool. But at the same time the timeline is becoming fragmented beyond reason and the gameplay is starting to have a dull as dishwater routine to it.
Want proof? Alright, go into any major Zelda forum out there, enter the Zelda Discussion section and start a timeline topic.
Within MINUTES you will witness a flame war that few internet veterans have seen; the cold bare steel of Zelda logic crashing against the mighty barricaded walls of Zelda reason. Lifelong friends suddenly become enemies; peaceful topics are instantly torn asunder. Until at last, the forum is reduced to nothing more than a desolate swamp of “lttp is b4 oot foo’!” and “STFU n00b!”
Timeline discussion is listed as the 2nd most volatile material in existence by the Zelda community. Last year, a conference of 70 webmasters banned any discussion of it to avoid the complete destruction of existing sites due to flame wars and spamming. Any previous attempts to piece together a universally accepted timeline have been met with shouts of “lttp is b4 OOT foo’!” and “STFU n00b”.
There’s a reason the timeline is currently in the state it’s in. With each game that comes out, events become harder and harder to piece together. To even unite the main facts in some coherent way seems impossible. Once you’ve played Twilight Princess, you’ll be wondering how any timeline can fit at all.
The other main issue is the gameplay. I’m not talking about the unique aspects of the series such as Minish shrinking, becoming a wolf, or living the same three days over and over. These things make Zelda what it is. I’m talking about gameplay aspects that have become so in grained in the games, it’s become expected.
Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:
Games where you have to save Princess Zelda who has SHOCKINGLY become trapped or immobilized by Ganon/Ganondorf/otherevilvillain:
Legend of Zelda – Ganon: Whole Game
Games where you have to collect a series of…things that won’t help you in your quest until you collect ALL of them:
Legend of Zelda – Triforce of Wisdom
Games where the dungeon boss keeps the item of his weakness in the same location he is:
Every single game except Adventure of Link
Games that start off with Link sleeping:
A Link to the Past – Link is sleeping when Zelda contacts him
I think you get the idea.
Now before everyone starts shouting, “WAT?!!? ZELDA IS THE PWNS!!!111!11ONE! YOU SUCKS LOLOLOLOL!” let me just make it clear that I’m not ragging on the games at all. Everyone knows, including me, that I’ll be camping on the hard cold Canadian tundra when the next Zelda game comes out. And the next one, and the one after that.
The point I’m trying to make is that certain aspects of the series are becoming stale. When the timeline is hopelessly falling apart, fans can guess a major plot device three months prior to release, and Ganon is still using the same “throw balls of energy at him” technique that didn’t work back in Ocarina of Time, you know it’s time to try something new. Nintendo needs to jazz up the games, take a new approach to the characters, and just try something NEW for Nayru sake.
That’s right everyone. It’s time to SPIN-OFF THE SERIES
For those unfamiliar with the term, to Spin-Off means to start a new series of TV shows, books or games based on a pre-existing series.
Spin-offs are done when producers or writers want to try something new without creating new characters, settings and plotlines. You can see it happening with games and TV today. Half of the Mario franchise is spin-offs the main games, such as Mario Party and every single Mario sports game made. Joey was a spin-off Friends. Heck Metroid Pinball could be considered a spin-off the main Metroid games.
Setting aside time to create games like these would give Nintendo the perfect opportunity to take a break from the main timeline. Take some chances with the series. Give a bold new direction and identity to the characters.
This being A Somewhat Serious Article, lets go ahead and do just that:
Tagline: “Did somebody call for a doctor?”
Use your knowledge of advanced bio-chemistry to solve complex lab puzzles!
Take advantage of Link’s incredible reflexes to infiltrate the facility undetected!
Features an amazing array of enemies including Xenozythane and Moblin-01TFX!
Rated O for Outbreak
Tagline: “Bow ba-Chicka Wow Wow”
Steal attention away from your rivals by initializing clever scenarios such as “My jewel was stolen from me Link!”, “I’ve been kidnapped by moblins Link!” and “I’m being imprisoned by an evil warlock Link!”
Woo him over with special gifts like the Ocarina of Time, Zora Sapphire, the Spirit Medallion and many others!
Rated L for Lov…ugh even I can’t make this joke
Tagline: “Tingle-Tingle, Kooloo-Limpaaalright this is stupid. There is no way a game like this would even be considered, let alone made. NEXT!
Tagline: “Soccer just kicked into OVERDRIVE”
Lead your team to victory through famous plays such as “The Iron Goron”, “The Fainting Ruto Pass” and “The Chain and Ball run”
Several exciting modes like Bobokin Deathmatch, Wallmaster Scramble, Spinner Frenzy and Multi-Deku Ball Rumble.
Rated X for ‘XTREME
Tagline: “It’s time to get dimensional. TWO dimensional”
Travel with powerful allies like Pafi the disillusioned fairy, Mu-Mu the Chu Chu, Larg the Moblin and many others!
Gather ancient medallions to unleash powerful attacks on your enemies, such as the Hurricane Spin, the Flying Jump Strike and the Stab Down Finish!
Rated E for Everyone except people who hate RPG’s
Well that’s just a few ideas right there, but I think it gets the point across. I think it’s possible to see valid spin-offs the main series with out condemning us to a life of Tingle rupee collecting and more Tingle rupee collecting. I know I wouldn’t mind seeing a few of these games made. Besides in the end of the day, once they’ve had their fun stabbing Deku Baba’s and kicking them into goal posts, then maybe they can focus on fixing the quagmire that is the Zelda timeline.
Of course that’s only my thoughts on the matter; and after all you’re only going to find those in A Somewhat Serious Article.Follow This Entry | Leave a Response | Trackback
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