ZeldaBlog

Even Better than Cow Tipping

July 19th, 2006 at 11:12 am by The Missing Link

So currently I’m up here in the fine state of Cheeseland Wisconsin on a business trip. (This is about 50 percent of the reason I haven’t written recently. The other 50 percent is that I tend not to get back to my hotel until around 11pm each night… only to be up at 6am or so the next day! But I digress.) As I was heading from the airport out of the town, travelling across the vast amounts of countryside, I noticed all of the cows littering the highways and farms. Living in suburbia, this is not an ordinary sight (to the point where my college friends from the country constantly quiz me if I know what that big white and brown spotted animal with the bell on its neck is), even though I know they exist somewhere in my home state.

As I travelled along, driving at a speed I shall not disclose to you, I was inspired by this… and as many things, my inspiration took me straight back to the Legend of Zelda. Specifically, I thought of the cows from The Ocarina of Time

…and why you constantly find them in those–literally speaking–holes in the ground.

It’s kind of humorous in a way. I mean, here our hero goes, skipping about and humming a happy tune through the depths of Death Mountain, and all of a sudden you blow up this rock with a bomb to reveal a hole… which our hero proceeds to (logically, of course) fall down… only to find this cow standing there at the end of a cave, chewing its cud and not minding one bit where it’s at. What’s more, it’s obviously a Lon Lon Ranch cow considering it remembers the Epona’s Song… yet here it is, having passed through Kakariko… past the fence going to Death Mountain, and then falling down a hole (without injury), then sealing it back up…

Excuse me?

Now I’m sure that someone could easily invent some cute explanation to explain the presence of said cow (among all the others hidden throughout Hyrule’s land), but nearly all of them, I reckon, would sound just “a little” farfetched. (Yes, aliens coming to steal the cows… and then dropping them back off in holes in the ground… is a little farfetched, even if we were in Termina.) The question of how they got there is almost so ludicrous a question that it becomes moot well before you even begin considering an answer to the question. (Just goes to show you that Zelda games aren’t as “realistic” as we always think they are.)

But, just for the sake of humour, let’s propose the question anyway. Just what in the world are the cows doing there, and how did they even get there?

My hunch is Talon. The bumbling plumber farmer obviously isn’t the best candidate for ranch ownership, as we have seen. (And this is even beyond falling asleep at the most random of places.) I reckon that, sometime before figuring out the best way to transport milk places was to bottle it and ship it in crates, he just took good ol’ Bessie from Lon Lon to wherever his milk route took him, milking it fresh for them on the spot without a care in the world. However, careless as Talon was is, he led his cow straight over a hole, and poof… no more cow.

But I’m just making stuff up now. Let me hear your answers, and the best one will get a round of applause or something. And before anyone asks, saying something like “TML, it’s a stupid game mechanic” will not be count, and that person just might be forevermore banned from my Christmas card list. ;)

Filed under Editorials, Ocarina of Time

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52 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “Even Better than Cow Tipping”

    Comments

    I got a theory, similar to yours, but Talon leaves them under there to keep them from running off, to keep cow tippers from finding them, and to keep away the local Wolfos from turning the cow into Prime Hyrulian Beef (sounds good though :D )

    Hrmmmm… Well, what if the cow escaped, and a villiger from Karkariko found it. The villager keeps it untill the cow escapes again, and jumps over the fence like he jumps over the moon, and ambles up the path to death mountain. He falls into the hole, and from the constant eruptions, the hole gets blocked by a boulder. Luckily, there is everlasting grass in the hole.
    What do you think?

    • 3. Ice says:

    It’s obvious. They’re planning a coup. You’re simply stumbling into some of their underground bases.

    It nice and cool down there thats why they go there. The rocks are just a plot device.

    I knew cows were evil! Sorry TML, but I go with Ice on this one. I knew they were evil, when I got near a few of them a few months ago *flashes back to HH riding his bicycle around, and then he stops around a fence with cows on the inside, and as he looks around, the cows stare are HH, then HH rides off after he tries to stare back* COWS ARE THE ULTIMATE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL! Two questions, what should we do to fight this evil coup, and the other, what is a coup?

    Maybe Hyrule has its own unique cow race that likes to live undergound like Mole-Rats and thats how they escaped from the Ranch and mae it to those various places in Hyrule, lol.

    I think there should be a boss called: SUBROSIAN DWELLING CAVE COW. Ha! Lets see Link get out of that one! And his weapon for that Dungeon would be the MAGIC CATTLE PROD. ^_^

    Those cows are for exclusive use for the Gorons, a gift by the King of Hyrule.

    Actually there’s only one cow in the ground. All holes found in the ground are actually black portals going straight to the same cavern, and yet going out of it forces you to go back in the portal the way you came it.

    If I remember correctly one of those portals is in Moo Moo Farm Lon Lon Ranch… which would explain everything.

    Now what I want to know is HOW those Lon Lon cows got EATEN by Lord Jabu-Jabu… which way have they took to be able to get there?

    What’s wrong with the alien abduction explanation? I mean, somewhat seriously, we’ve all seen it happen! THE HYLIA ARE NOT ALONE.

    Fish.

    maybe its an abandoned milk shop? kind of like what TML said,only there supposed to be there :D .

    SmashManiac said:

    Actually there’s only one cow in the ground. All holes found in the ground are actually black portals going straight to the same cavern, and yet going out of it forces you to go back in the portal the way you came it.

    If I remember correctly one of those portals is in Moo Moo Farm Lon Lon Ranch… which would explain everything.

    Now what I want to know is HOW those Lon Lon cows got EATEN by Lord Jabu-Jabu… which way have they took to be able to get there?

    Wait… they must be black holes, and since white holes are the opposite of them, all the black holes must deposit into the singular ‘white hole’ land where the cow lives… THAT’s why there is a white beam of light shining down when you go throught the ;) white hole ;) .

    Now we just need a quantum physicist…

    SmashManiac said:

    Actually there’s only one cow in the ground. All holes found in the ground are actually black portals going straight to the same cavern, and yet going out of it forces you to go back in the portal the way you came it.

    If I remember correctly one of those portals is in Moo Moo Farm Lon Lon Ranch… which would explain everything.

    Now what I want to know is HOW those Lon Lon cows got EATEN by Lord Jabu-Jabu… which way have they took to be able to get there?

    Wait… they must be black holes, and since white holes are the opposite of them, all the black holes must deposit into the singular ‘white hole’ land where the cow lives… THAT’s why there is a white beam of light shining down when you go throught the ;) white hole ;) .

    Now we just need a quantum physicist…

    [please delete the comment directly above this one, as well as this comment. The formatting was wrong, and then fixed itself or something. Thanks]

    • 16. Ice says:

    No. Your comment is staying forever.

    A Wizzrobe did it.

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Two questions, what should we do to fight this evil coup, and the other, what is a coup?

    A coup is when a new goverment rises by military force.

    Ah, thankyou.

    Scepia said:

    [please delete the comment directly above this one, as well as this comment.]

    TML will get to that problem. Anyways, what we should do is leave them where they are, and nobody will get hurt.

    I always wondered how the cow got down there…even more I wonder how you can hear the cow when the hole is still sealed. Finally, I wonder how they knew which house to ship the cow to, when you won it…and how they got it up the ladder……

    um…by the way…how can the cows talk to you?its funny,in MM,you need the mask of truth to talk to the animals,but you can talk to cows without it? I think these cows could have put them selfs in the holes! (why not? sealing yourself in a cave was alright in LOZ,if cows are intelegent enough to talk,why cant they build a primative home? :D )

    Great Lord Ephraim said:

    I think these cows could have put them selfs in the holes! (why not? sealing yourself in a cave was alright in LOZ,if cows are intelegent enough to talk,why cant they build a primative home? :D )

    Exactly!

    The cows living in Lonlon Ranch are really super-intelligent beings that have psychic abilities. They used their powers to see into the future, and saw that the world was going to be completely flooded. They then built these underground shelters, put their greatest leaders inside, and sent them into an articficial hibernation. Unfortunately, Link opened all the shelters, and the race of super-intelligent cows was completely destroyed.

    I think Master Quest answers this quite nicely.

    Where do cows go when they die? Jabu Jabu’s bellah. Cows like the infamous Death Mountain cow are on the ‘run’. They don’t want to get captured!

    Perhaps a more likely answer is that a Goron bought it and a little known fact is how much gorons like milk.

    Ice said:

    It’s obvious. They’re planning a coup. You’re simply stumbling into some of their underground bases.

    Ice, sheep from New Zealand are planning to take over the world. Not cows. XD

    Before the Great Deku Tree died, he used his deity-like powers to put cows in holes Link was sure to stumble upon in the event that he needed milk on his quest. Ain’t he an awesome tree?

    HH: Cows are evil, people. They joined with the sheep to make people miserable, and Hylian Cows are going to take the Triforce just to kill Tingle (which is a good thing if you think about it) make the Zora edible, Gorons become farmers, and other things that I do not know yet. They also want people to “eet mor chiken” and drink chicken milk.
    Cow: *walks up behing HH and goes moo*
    HH: 0_0; *runs off to hide in the dirty laundry* Save me. ;_;

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Ah, thankyou.

    Scepia said:

    [please delete the comment directly above this one, as well as this comment.]

    TML will get to that problem. Anyways, what we should do is leave them where they are, and nobody will get hurt.

    More like TML done did fix it. His original post, that is. ;)

    Heeyyy, cows are forming a conspiry to vanquish all cuccos!! Thier slogan is “eet mor kucco!”

    Faethin said:

    What’s wrong with the alien abduction explanation? I mean, somewhat seriously, we’ve all seen it happen! THE HYLIA ARE NOT ALONE.

    THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, LOL.

    KILL THE COWS, KILL THE COWS!!! We must annialate them before they get to us. Sure I’m terrified of cows, but that don’t mean they’re not evil. The Hylian Government are covering up, using Tingle to stop them from taking over Hyrule, Termina, and Koholint! We must, eet mor beef :D

    Scepia said:

    Wait… they must be black holes, and since white holes are the opposite of them, all the black holes must deposit into the singular ‘white hole’ land where the cow lives… THAT’s why there is a white beam of light shining down when you go throught the ;) white hole ;) .

    Now we just need a quantum physicist…

    Sounds like something from Strannge Days at Blake Hosley High. In it, the wormholes are controlled by thought, so people can time travel, in fact, they could jump the spacetime-continuum. That must mean, that Link thinks of that one cows everytime he gets close to said hole, and sees ‘ole Bessey everytime he goes down, but there is a problem with your black/white hole theory, Scepia, black holes suck while white holes spew, so if Link went down it, he would be stuck with ‘ole Bessey.

    Last year I was given the gift of Space, if anyone has Time we could get together and create a Continuum and rid the world of all the evil subteranean Cows.

    Robert-UK said:

    Last year I was given the gift of Space, if anyone has Time we could get together and create a Continuum and rid the world of all the evil subteranean Cows.

    Can I have you autograph, Robert? I don’t have Time, but I can jump the spacetime continuum, but being in the sight of cows makes me freak out.

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    [B]ut there is a problem with your black/white hole theory, Scepia, black holes suck while white holes spew, so if Link went down it, he would be stuck with ‘ole Bessey.

    [Emphasis mine]

    Not necessarily. If the hole in the ground were a black hole, then one could reasonably assume that the light shining down is actually a white hole spewing stuff out. Therefore, if he enters through the black hole sucking stuff in, he can then exit through the white hole regurgitating things back out. It makes sense to me.

    well actually (uh..its gonna be another one of those articles :P ) if the hole on the surface is a black hole and the one that link falls through is a white hole,the one link comes through (white hole) would both take him in and out,thus sucking and spiting him in/out.and since a white hole cannot suck things up it is impossible for it to be a white hole,and past that the surface hole (black hole) has the same problem in that it cant spit things out.phew :P .

    Mirelena said:

    Not necessarily. If the hole in the ground were a black hole, then one could reasonably assume that the light shining down is actually a white hole spewing stuff out. Therefore, if he enters through the black hole sucking stuff in, he can then exit through the white hole regurgitating things back out. It makes sense to me.

    How’s that possssible. What I do know from black holes, is that depending upon it’s size and mass, and hierarchy of the black hole (stellar-mass, or supermassive) it has the ability to suck matter from a certain distance. and when they suck in the mass, the mass get’s stretched to nearly thinner than paper (my theory) so, if white holes were to exist, they spew matter at the same speed of matter sucked in at its darker end, and won’t let anything pass through its (supposedly) reverse event horizon. Light cannot escape a black hole, so a white hole will spew light also, but nothing can go into a white hole. So, all we see are small holes dug out to hide the cows, not masses of dark energy and mass sucking things into oblivion. Plus, no one has ever found a white hole, so this theory is beat. Now why the cows are down there, I haven’t got a clue *lifts a bomb bag* Don’t ask *walks out the door*

    Guys chill for a second, Scientists still dont know if Black Holes or White Holes exist 100%, at the moment its just that the scientific and mathematical information says they do “BUT” it could still turn out to be something completely different.

    Robert-UK said:

    Guys chill for a second, Scientists still dont know if Black Holes or White Holes exist 100%, at the moment its just that the scientific and mathematical information says they do “BUT” it could still turn out to be something completely different.

    That’s where your wrong, but I can’t say no more HERE, because we’ve gotten off track here. Cows are the main focus here, and why are they in the holes in the first place is what we should figure out, not the physics of a black hole. Anyone who wants to talk about this, let’s make an e-mail ring about this stuff. Anyways, we know they belonged in the ranch, they are near bugs or fish, puddles of water, and they all act like innocent little buggers…I’ve got it! They are the beings that are the cause for Hyrule’s flooding, using the Zora and Tektites to flood the rivers and cause rains, then Hyrule was flooded, and killed all except for those that never drank milk or ate beef.

    Black Holes are confirmed. White holes aren’t. Concerning Jabu-Jabu’s cows? An offering? (Jabu-Jabu might not like always eating fish *Mental image of Ruto offreing Jabu-Jabu a cow* Emmm…. This is so WRONG

    Arturo said:

    Black Holes are confirmed. White holes aren’t. Concerning Jabu-Jabu’s cows? An offering? (Jabu-Jabu might not like always eating fish *Mental image of Ruto offreing Jabu-Jabu a cow* Emmm…. This is so WRONG

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Go Ruto! Wait, I didn’t know there was a cow in there, where is it at?

    The Cows appear inside Jabu-Jabu on the Zelda: Master Quest Game.

    YES!!! Since I don’t have OoT:MQ , I don’t have to worry about cows :D You know, the cows will be more evil in TP, since they can strike back.

    HUH… The freaking Cows actually FIGHT BACK???

    Scepia said:

    SmashManiac said:

    Actually there’s only one cow in the ground. All holes found in the ground are actually black portals going straight to the same cavern, and yet going out of it forces you to go back in the portal the way you came it.

    If I remember correctly one of those portals is in Moo Moo Farm Lon Lon Ranch… which would explain everything.

    Now what I want to know is HOW those Lon Lon cows got EATEN by Lord Jabu-Jabu… which way have they took to be able to get there?

    Wait… they must be black holes, and since white holes are the opposite of them, all the black holes must deposit into the singular ‘white hole’ land where the cow lives… THAT’s why there is a white beam of light shining down when you go throught the ;) white hole ;) .

    Now we just need a quantum physicist…

    That is an interesting theory, but since we all know that black holes are objects so massive that they can swallow anything that goes near them, even light. It’s more likely that rather than a black hole it’s a wormhole that’s connected to the same point of space/time. That way the cows and Link would be able to come back out. I mean, that is the intriguing feature of a wormhole, that there’s a way out to whatever point the wormhole is connected to.

    Oh, and sorry Hyrulain Hero. I couldn’t help mentioning that.

    Robert-UK said:

    HUH… The freaking Cows actually FIGHT BACK???

    Kinda, in TP, when I was watching some trailer of it, Link was at his home, running around on his horse, and I remember one of those cows running into Link and hurting the horse (that explains it all)

    the trailer I saw,link was at his home trying to gather the cows,and he must have made one of them mad cause it came and mowed poor link over……be very afraid HH :D .

    *there is a cloud shaped like HH where HH was just standing*
    HH: *screaming at the tops of his lungs*
    Navi: Boys -_- Cows are fun ^_^

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Robert-UK said:

    HUH… The freaking Cows actually FIGHT BACK???

    Kinda, in TP, when I was watching some trailer of it, Link was at his home, running around on his horse, and I remember one of those cows running into Link and hurting the horse (that explains it all)

    I think that was meant to be a Goat.

    • 48. EA says:

    This is a question I’ve pondered many a times before, even writing up an extensive rambling about it. Man, I think I even lost sleep wondering how the cow in the hole on Death Mountain got there…

    EA said:

    This is a question I’ve pondered many a times before, even writing up an extensive rambling about it. Man, I think I even lost sleep wondering how the cow in the hole on Death Mountain got there…

    I have two answers, either Goron Abduction (even the good ‘ole rock people need a good source of calcium) or the cows needed an air base for when their alien affiliates come to pick them up (why else does that area have a trench?)

    its possible that the cow fell into the hole,of coarse the hole would have been much bigger at the time.with all the eruptions the hole could have shrunk.as for why a cow was on death mountain to begin with,it could have wandered from kakariko village (if the cow keeper is anywhere near as talented as anju……).as I said before eruptions could have changed the area,but before than the area leading to the hole could have been an easy climb.so were left with two possible theorys (of mine anyways) 1) the cows are super intelegent creatures that have made themselves homes to live in or 2) there stupid enough to go to death mountain and fall in a hole :P .

    HH: I need stress relief *teleports to Hyrule, in a time before OoT*
    Ok, I just got to put a cow out of existence. First, I’ll steal one, then bury it, then get the *NAVI* outta here. *later* Ok, I’ll trap this cow from Gerudo Fortress into the mountain.
    Cow: mmmoooOOOooo!
    HH: *jumps in terror* Gotta stop that ;_; *shoves the cow into a whole near the peak of Death Mountain* Ok, now I’ll let it starve in there, *places a boulder on top of it* now I’m happy ^_^ *teleports out of Hyrule*
    *a few years later; bomb blows up the boulder*
    Navi: Link, you found a grotto!
    Link: Shaddup already! I hear mooing inside :? Is that normal?
    Navi: No…let’s check it out!

    That was more fun than cow tipping, cow dumping-into-deadly-mountain. What? What are all of you staring at?

    well DUH! the cow flew in the hole cause he was sick of the ranch!use common sence