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A.S.S.A - Protect Your Wii

June 6th, 2006 at 12:38 am by Darth Citrus

You know you’re in trouble when you sit down to write your article and the words “Where the *Navi* did May go?” escapes your lips.

Yes Zelda Blogites, The entire month of May passed with nary an ASSA post on the blog. I would like to say there’s a good reason for it. I would like to say that in the course of defending the Earth, or curing some disease, I had little time for my legions of fans.

However the truth of the matter is, I simply forgot.

That’s right. E3 2006 flooded us with so much information it took me a while to soak it all in. The trailers, the gameplay demos, and of course, the Nintendo Wii.

As many of you know, the Nintendo Wii will be released Q4 of 2006. Judging by the massive lines at the Nintendo booth, we can assume the Wii will be the hottest thing to hit the earth next to a comet.

That being said, how many of you are ready to fight tooth and nail to get one? Do you think you can properly defend it from thieves? Do you truly have the skills to make it to the store and back with your Wii in one piece?

If not, you have come to the right place. Be prepared to take your first steps to becoming a Wii Protecting Master..

With that, I welcome you young padawan to another edition of A Somewhat Serious Article. Today you will master the skills and knowledge needed to truely PROTECT YOUR WII.

The first thing you must remember is that the Wii is not a toy. It’s a tool designed for the implementation of singularly developed visual programs used to stimulate the human psyche. With power like that it’s understandable that the entire world will try to get their hands on one come launch day.

This article will help you prepare your body and mind when the time comes to defend your Wii.



Imagine the glorious moment where you have finally purchased a Wii. Children are dancing, the sun is shining, and everything seems to be in slow motion. People give you looks of admiration as you pass by. You step onto the hot pavement, patting your box and sighing with relief. Walking towards your car you can’t help but laugh, knowing you’re about to enter a dream filled world of happiness.

Suddenly a group of assault ninjas burst out of the pavement, their narrow swords gleaming in the sunlight. Surveying the area, their eyes lock onto your precious console. Their leader, a tall man by the name of Jenkins gives a rallying cry as they dash forward hands reaching towards your purchase.

Are you ready to take them on?

OF COURSE NOT SOLDIER! Those ninjas will grab your Wii and leave you flailing in the dust. Imagine the shock of having your prized console ripped from your grasp just like that.

Don’t let that happen to you! If we’ve learned anything, it’s that desperate people will pay thousands of dollars for a console in limited supply. If you can’t defend your Wii, chances are a ninja is going to steal it and sell it for a million bucks on e-Bay.

So how do you prevent this? Simple. Follow my two step training guide each morning, and you’ll be a fighting machine in no time!

Step 1: Jog up Mount Everest while shouldering 80 lbs of rocks.

Step 2: Learn Ju-Jitsu

Note: while the above order is suggested, advanced students may choose to learn Ju-Jitsu before flying to Nepal.


Now that you’re ready to kick *Navi*, its best to know whose *Navi* you’ll be kicking the *Navi* out of, otherwise you’ll be in deep *Navi*.

Remember, until you have secured your Wii within the recesses of your home, EVERYONE IS YOUR ENEMY. Trust absolutely no one. While the majority of people you meet are normal, you can sniff out the suspicious ones by the following signs

-They stand around anxiously, mumbling something about turnips
-They offer you their X-Box in exchange.
-They try to grab your Wii from your hands.
-They eat the console.

While this guide will help you avoid the average thief, eventually you will be forced to engage in fisticuffs. Hence why you must…


When you can’t avoid your enemy, you must be prepared to defend your Wii at all costs. Different tactics will work for different people. However, I’ve provided a baseline to follow should you find yourself against these various evildoers.


Fighting a Thug
If video games are any indication of anything, it’s that thugs are the easiest enemies to fight. When fighting a thug remember its quarter-circle back, A, B, A, uppercut and then a finishing move of your choice.


Fighting a Ninja
The combat style of a Ninja relies both on surprise and Kung Fu. In the event that he catches you unaware, do not hesitate to remove his mask. Doing so will expose his true identity to the world, causing him to disintegrate.

In the event you can’t reach his mask a good kick in the groin works just as well.


Fighting a Battle Droid



Assume basic fighting stance.


Pull out Lightsaber(TM) and slash.


Repeat.


Keep in mind that these techniques will only work when fighting a single enemy. Chances are your fights will look more like this:

In such a situation it’s best to take Godzilla out first. The rest will then fall into place. When you think can leave without being trailed, get in your car and gun it for home.


So you’ve done it at last. Having managed to obtain your Wii against all odds, you’re now ready to sit down and play Twilight Princess, right?

WRONG. At home, the danger of something happening to your Wii is even greater than before. Assuming that you’re safe in your own home is like asking Tingle to take all your rupees. So before you play, make sure to take these precautions:

1. Board up all windows and doors. For added protection, it’s best to board up the boards as well. To avoid anyone who might try tunneling into your home cement your entire basement.

2. Install a 24/7 alarm system that involves cameras, heat sensors, plasma shields, the FBI, and badgers.

3. Using a complete roll of duct tape and bubble wrap, carefully incase your Wii in a protective shield of popping-ness. Once done, place it in a solid diamond safe and eat the key.

And there you have it. So remember young padawan. The way to truly playing with ones Wii is not in purchase or pre-ordering. Rather it is the warrior within you that will rise up and vanquish any fool that dare opposes your quest. But to do so, you must remember to follow these instructions to the letter. It may not be much, but it still is A Somewhat Serious Article.

Filed under Humor, Nintendo, A.S.S.A.

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42 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “A.S.S.A - Protect Your Wii”

    Comments

    And if Chuck Norris comes up, just give him the console. No one beats Chuck Norris. Ever.

    Hey man, Chuck Norris beat the Ocarina of Time without using the Ocarina once. :P

    Chuck Norris beat the Wind Waker without a sail. He just roundhouse kicked the Great Sea out of the way.

    After many months of journeying through Termina (Im not telling you how I got there *eyes dart around the room nervously*) I have successfully returned with the Fierce Diety Mask so god help anyone who tries to take my Wii mwahahahahahar.

    BTW TML What the *Navi* are you talking about, didnt Bruce Lee once kill Chuck Norris, *Shudder* that guy is sooooo cheesy, lol.

    Robert-UK said:

    BTW TML What the *Navi* are you talking about, didnt Bruce Lee once kill Chuck Norris, *Shudder* that guy is sooooo cheesy, lol.

    When I create my Evil Horde of Internet Minions to take over the world, you, sir, will not be a part of it.

    Batman’s decades of training and self-perfection will finally be put to proper use when he finally buys a Wii for the Batcave.

    You guys do know that Wii is getting released in, like, 4320000000000 nanoseconds, right. At least, in the US it is. And if you actually turned that into a usable number it would be, like, 5 days.

    Im sorry TML but that dosent change the fact that Bruce Lee kicked and killed Chucks’s *Navi*, lol.

    Robert-Uk, I would have to agree with you. Brume Lee did kill Chuck Noris years ago, and besides TML, Link would just demollish Chuck Noris with his Fierce Deitie’s Mask and magical spells.

    Well all of you I just took my nintendo wii and i got one for every one on earth so they dont need to take my wii…. THEY ALL HAVE ONE. But……. What happens if cocos get board with Link and navi :) AHAHAHAHAH

    Master Link said:

    and besides TML, Link would just demollish Chuck Noris with his Fierce Deitie’s Mask and magical spells.

    While I’d like to see link win as much as the next guy… you should know that Chuck Norris can beat a brick wall at tennis.

    Plus Zora Link could kick his *Navi* Kung Fuu style anytime, mwahahahar.

    My living room is my fortress, I have all the protection my precious Wii needs from intruders. I’d like to see any bastard thief try to steel from me. Ha! I have my room filled with pointy stick and rock to throw at them. Beware of the pointy stick, BEWARE!!!

    I love living in small backwater areas. No one ever does anything. Also if anyone tries to take my Wii… Let’s just say I have a real bow, four plastic lightsabers, and half a wooden sword.

    Yay, A.S.S.A. returns! Though I’m not too worried about being the first with the Wii, as long as I can get one in pleanty of time for Super Smash Brothers: Brawl.

    Hey you guys. Don’t play around with notions of Chuck Norris. He will hunt you down in the dream world and attack you with his gopher army. Or give you a side snap kick to the head as your walking out of K-Mart. Mabey he’ll even bring his lightsaber…

    BEWARE THE NORRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Why is you all obsessed with Norris? Jackie Chan is cooler.

    I have protected my Wii with an unpenetrable force barier that not even the Triforce could brake! Now no one can steel it!

    Master of Volvagia, the credits that role after Walker Texas Ranger aren’t people that worked on the show that day, but witnesses that saw Link kick Chuck Noris around the world seven times, slash him, and kill him with Din’s Fire.

    Punk Princess Tetra, I would get the whole Hylian army, including Ganon’s army, and have them use their magical talents to take out Chuck Noris and his army before he could hurt us. Mwahahahahahahaaa!!!!!

    • 20. JC says:

    Superman > Norris

    Sorry. Norris is nothing compared to Superman.

    Superman Returns June 28th. ;-)

    I thought this was serious at first…boy was I wrong…hahaha.

    Actually, we are serious serious serious serious, serious no matter what it is, we are serious. No, I’m just kidding, we’re not serious, although I do think that Link would beat up Chuck Noris.

    Even though Link can kill Chuck Noris, he st can’t get my Wii!

    Uruviel_Rohoiel said:

    You guys do know that Wii is getting released in, like, 4320000000000 nanoseconds, right. At least, in the US it is. And if you actually turned that into a usable number it would be, like, 5 days.

    First of all, no, it’s not.

    Secondly, 4.32(10)^12s, which is the amount of time you’ve got written there, works out to seventy-two minutes, which is a little more than an hour, and short of five days by about, oh, a lot. Your number’s short by two orders of magnitude (that means you should multiply by 100).

    Finally, Darth, I know it’s an A.S.S.A., but there’s a difference between “thy” and “thine.” D:

    ………………………………………….*dies*

    *walks in* I see that 6/6/06 has had an effect on all of you, so I bring up a HIGHLY paid three-man support *Tingle, Navi, and Tatl flies into the room* Anyone who tries to get near me will face…me, for most of my bank account was emptied to pay these guys, and they expect a payment for every little scratch, I’m almost broke and anyone who hurts them get my super awesome Naruto techniques (and my special ability to show one their most desired dream) so *walks up to a Wii, picks it up, leave a fifty karat diamond in it’s place, and walks out*

    Gasp. No one should trust the FBI.

    For all you know, they could be tapping your phone lines, reading this website, or (heck) even watching you read this website.. right now. *shifts eyes back and forth*

    FIGHT THE MAN, MAN!

    Chuck Norris? Pah. It’s all about the Jack Bauer, people.
    Anyway, I’d like to see those Wii stealing ninjas get past my stellar defences:
    Elite Terrier Attack Squadron Alpha. (Those *Navis* go for the nuts.)
    My Wii’s in safe hands.

    I challenge you ALL to a Battle Tournament on Super Smash Bros Brawl when it is finally released, weve built a community here so lets build one on the Wii, we can fight against each other or we could join forces to fight a common enemy, does that sound cool or what?

    BTW we could all help each other on the next Zelda: Four Swords Adventure on Wii, but “I” get to be the Green Link, lol.

    Hey yeah…we should make a Wii Cult on Wi-Fi when the Wii comes out. We could go around telling the *Navi* out of people, like on X-Box live. How about it TML, you up for it? :-D

    You too, Darth, you BETTER be ready.

    That would be sooooooooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!a I like the idea. Let’s do it and I get to be Link! lol

    Light Link 007 said:

    I love living in small backwater areas. No one ever does anything. Also if anyone tries to take my Wii… Let’s just say I have a real bow, four plastic lightsabers, and half a wooden sword.

    Same here. Only I don’t have half a wooden sword, but an intact REAL one…hehehe…Ah pity the fool who tries to take my Wii!

    Maybe the ninjas should protect their wii, if you know what I mean!

    Chuck Noris is a hack. Just get your Wii and join the Ninja’s. everyone likes a person who shares their video games. ~.^

    As I enter the store a feeling of happiness comes over me as I look to my left and see the shelves and shelves of Nintendo Wiis. I waited so long for this day to get one, it felt like my soul purpose on this planet would be complete if I could get that Wii.

    Slowly I approa*$ ! shelves, rubbing my hand over the cardboard box that lay there when I got there. A smile crept to my face as I read the description. I happily picked it up, looked up, and saw ! game I have been waiting for my whole life, Twilight Princeess. I had forgotten that it would be released today. I grabbed the game and walked to my right atop the white floor to the checkout couter. As I walked I realized something, I was a very lucky person to have gotten my hands on this thing, even though there were a lot left, they would all be gone in a few days.

    I finally arrived at the checkout counter, my heart beating so heavily ,I thought someone could here it a block away. The lady at the couter looked up and smil$. I handed her my purchase and she told me the price. I took out my wallet and paid for both items.

    As I was walking out of the store, I remembered my training in swords and hand-to-hand combat. I would need it if someone tried to take my purchase. I looked around suspiciously at everyone who’s eyes even dared to glance at me as I stepped off of the curb walking toards my car. All of a sudden, I heard a fierce battle cry and looked to my right. I saw three ninjas with katanas looking at me fiercely. I wasn’t scared, however, I had been trained to take on six billion people at once.

    I looked at them just as fiercely, and as they started to approach, I stuck up my hand and shot a blue cucco at them. Then I turned and ran as fast as I could to my car, breathing heavily, and my heart pounding fiercely in my chest. I hoped they wouldn’t come after me any more.

    Finally I reached my black eclipse, opened up the door, got in, and drove off, all the while excited to finally play my Wii when I got home. The good thing was, I hid the Wii in the back seat so no one could see it.

    THE END

    Hyrulian Hero, Master Link, and Robert-UK are dirty, rotten spammers.

    HUH… what the, what the *Navi* just happened. What the heck did we say, thats a little harsh isnt it?

    If Darth Citrus doesn’t mind, I’ll use my sagely powers of fire to protect my Wii. Unfortunately, I don’t think the college I’m about to go to will let me do some, um, structural rearrangements to the dorms.

    Robert-UK said:

    HUH… what the, what the *Navi* just happened. What the heck did we say, thats a little harsh isnt it?

    If you can explain how your comments were relevant to the actual article rather than completely rambling off topic in your incessant need to reply to the story found in Comment #35, I’ll gladly rescind the comment. However, seeing as how the latter was precisely what the three of you had done, thereby breaking the ‘Blog rule of “Thou shalt not spam,” my Bomber’s Notebook says that my accusation, harsh or no, shall stay, thank you very much.

    The Missing Link said:

    And if Chuck Norris comes up, just give him the console. No one beats Chuck Norris. Ever.

    Haha! That is exactly why I hired him to protect my Wii.

    Ill just have to ressurect Bruce Lee to protect mine, hehehe.

    Mike Fireball said:

    Chuck Norris beat the Wind Waker without a sail. He just roundhouse kicked the Great Sea out of the way.

    Chuck Norris beat up Ganondorf without even touching him. He used his 80’s stule beard o’ ray to make his blow up.

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