You know you’re in trouble when you sit down to write your article and the words “Where the *Navi* did May go?” escapes your lips.
Yes Zelda Blogites, The entire month of May passed with nary an ASSA post on the blog. I would like to say there’s a good reason for it. I would like to say that in the course of defending the Earth, or curing some disease, I had little time for my legions of fans.
However the truth of the matter is, I simply forgot.
That’s right. E3 2006 flooded us with so much information it took me a while to soak it all in. The trailers, the gameplay demos, and of course, the Nintendo Wii.
As many of you know, the Nintendo Wii will be released Q4 of 2006. Judging by the massive lines at the Nintendo booth, we can assume the Wii will be the hottest thing to hit the earth next to a comet.
That being said, how many of you are ready to fight tooth and nail to get one? Do you think you can properly defend it from thieves? Do you truly have the skills to make it to the store and back with your Wii in one piece?
If not, you have come to the right place. Be prepared to take your first steps to becoming a Wii Protecting Master..
With that, I welcome you young padawan to another edition of A Somewhat Serious Article. Today you will master the skills and knowledge needed to truely PROTECT YOUR WII.
The first thing you must remember is that the Wii is not a toy. It’s a tool designed for the implementation of singularly developed visual programs used to stimulate the human psyche. With power like that it’s understandable that the entire world will try to get their hands on one come launch day.
This article will help you prepare your body and mind when the time comes to defend your Wii.
Imagine the glorious moment where you have finally purchased a Wii. Children are dancing, the sun is shining, and everything seems to be in slow motion. People give you looks of admiration as you pass by. You step onto the hot pavement, patting your box and sighing with relief. Walking towards your car you can’t help but laugh, knowing you’re about to enter a dream filled world of happiness.
Suddenly a group of assault ninjas burst out of the pavement, their narrow swords gleaming in the sunlight. Surveying the area, their eyes lock onto your precious console. Their leader, a tall man by the name of Jenkins gives a rallying cry as they dash forward hands reaching towards your purchase.
Are you ready to take them on?
OF COURSE NOT SOLDIER! Those ninjas will grab your Wii and leave you flailing in the dust. Imagine the shock of having your prized console ripped from your grasp just like that.
Don’t let that happen to you! If we’ve learned anything, it’s that desperate people will pay thousands of dollars for a console in limited supply. If you can’t defend your Wii, chances are a ninja is going to steal it and sell it for a million bucks on e-Bay.
So how do you prevent this? Simple. Follow my two step training guide each morning, and you’ll be a fighting machine in no time!
Step 1: Jog up Mount Everest while shouldering 80 lbs of rocks.
Step 2: Learn Ju-Jitsu
Note: while the above order is suggested, advanced students may choose to learn Ju-Jitsu before flying to Nepal.
Now that you’re ready to kick *Navi*, its best to know whose *Navi* you’ll be kicking the *Navi* out of, otherwise you’ll be in deep *Navi*.
Remember, until you have secured your Wii within the recesses of your home, EVERYONE IS YOUR ENEMY. Trust absolutely no one. While the majority of people you meet are normal, you can sniff out the suspicious ones by the following signs
-They stand around anxiously, mumbling something about turnips
-They offer you their X-Box in exchange.
-They try to grab your Wii from your hands.
-They eat the console.
While this guide will help you avoid the average thief, eventually you will be forced to engage in fisticuffs. Hence why you must…
When you can’t avoid your enemy, you must be prepared to defend your Wii at all costs. Different tactics will work for different people. However, I’ve provided a baseline to follow should you find yourself against these various evildoers.
In the event you can’t reach his mask a good kick in the groin works just as well.
Assume basic fighting stance.
In such a situation it’s best to take Godzilla out first. The rest will then fall into place. When you think can leave without being trailed, get in your car and gun it for home.
So you’ve done it at last. Having managed to obtain your Wii against all odds, you’re now ready to sit down and play Twilight Princess, right?
WRONG. At home, the danger of something happening to your Wii is even greater than before. Assuming that you’re safe in your own home is like asking Tingle to take all your rupees. So before you play, make sure to take these precautions:
1. Board up all windows and doors. For added protection, it’s best to board up the boards as well. To avoid anyone who might try tunneling into your home cement your entire basement.
2. Install a 24/7 alarm system that involves cameras, heat sensors, plasma shields, the FBI, and badgers.
3. Using a complete roll of duct tape and bubble wrap, carefully incase your Wii in a protective shield of popping-ness. Once done, place it in a solid diamond safe and eat the key.
And there you have it. So remember young padawan. The way to truly playing with ones Wii is not in purchase or pre-ordering. Rather it is the warrior within you that will rise up and vanquish any fool that dare opposes your quest. But to do so, you must remember to follow these instructions to the letter. It may not be much, but it still is A Somewhat Serious Article.Follow This Entry | Leave a Response
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