The Missing Link
It’s time for Whose Blog Is It Anyway?! The show where everything’s made up, and the points don’t matter! That’s right, the points are like going on a date with Rosa! Hi, I’m your host, Drew Linky. C’mon let’s have some fun!
Gosh, nearly everyone of you wanted to see a metafiction of some sort. I think the lack of Darth Citrus’ ASSAs put you guys in a pickle, huh? Well, I must submit to the cries of the masses, but I don’t have to be happy about it! (I tease. I love doing these things.) However, out of the many I chose a topic of audacious eloquence, and today’s Whose Blog?/Metafiction tandem will be about… the Running Man from Ocarina of Time.
“Ha! I win again!” came the exuberant voice of the man clothed in jogging shorts and a loose tunic.
“For the love of Nayru,” cursed Link, completely put out by yet another race lost. “I can’t even see how you won. It’s hardly fair!”
For many years, Link had been the best cross-country runner his school had ever seen… as well as the best in just about any other athletic event there. Years earlier, the scrawny boy of ten had never looked like he would amount to much, the weakest of his class. However, years of training and dedication to his skill–a dedication that everyone had decided had come out of nowhere–suddenly made his rival Mido the laughingstock of his grade. Of course, no one had ever known about the small tricks Link had used to get a leg up on the competition, most notably that good luck charm of a headband with bunny ears waggling overhead. Even Link didn’t know how it worked, but he just seemed to fly like the wind whenever he wore them. Even better, it endeared him to all the ladies as he passed on. “Something about those ears,” they’d sigh as he ran laps around the track.
Those days were long gone ever since Sue came to Hyrule High. Sue was first made fun of for having a girl’s name, but the boy named Sue quickly stunned everyone by beating Link’s record in nearly every track event there was. Refusing to call him by name, Link had swore since junior year that he would beat “The Running Man” yet. Every time, he had failed miserably.
“It’s very fair,” came Sue’s retort. His lips turned serious, yet Link could tell that he was still eliciting some perverse pleasure from the situation. “Especially considering that you weren’t fair this time around. I saw what you did, plugging that Game Shark into the timer so that it would freeze time and make it seem as if you simply teleported straight to the finish line. But I won’t fall for that; I still beat you even with you cheating! Ha!”
“But… but… but how… how’d you still beat me?” Link interrogated with exasperation. He had sworn when he came up with this idea that it’d work without fail. Link was one sneaky guy, and he could just about get away with anything in the school. The teachers loved him, and his popularity was second to none. No one would notice the little device that he had purchased at hBay.com and installed into the scoreboard at the field. Sure, it had been quite underhanded, and his friends would definitely have frowned upon the idea, but no one had seen him do it… or at least so he thought. The stupid “Running Man” seemed to have eyes in the back of his head, always looking… always better than him. “I couldn’t have lost! I mean… I effectively teleported! Zero seconds! How can you beat that!? I mean, what kind of time is ‘00:0/’ anyway?”
“Duh,” Sue said, a grin once again appearing on his face. “It’s one second less than what you got. You might be a good… well… okay runner, but you’re sure dumb as a brick when it comes to math.”
“That’s not the point! That means would be going backwards in time! That’s impossible!”
“Yet how do you explain how I beat you?”
“… And slash isn’t even a number!”
Sue just shook his head and sighed. “If you say so,” he said, but Sue didn’t care about Link’s protests. He had won, after all, physics be darned or whatever. A faint smile appeared again, and he added, “If you ever want to try to avenge your grudge again, just let me know.”
Link walked off back to the school in frustration. It was his 22nd loss to the Running Man so far still without a single victory. Slowly the love that the students had for Link was starting to slip away and shift to the cocksure Sue. He entered the locker room to towel off and get dressed back into his normal clothes before heading out to his car–a Jeep Epona–intent on heading for home.
Yet as he walked to his car, he saw the physics teacher, Mr. Rauru Saginstein, heading to his own. His hair, normally uncombed and sticking out at odd angles, was now practically gone, showing a bald head underneath. The proposed cause was a thermodynamics experiment gone well out of control that had burnt it clean off, yet Sagintein wasn’t about ready to confirm nor deny that tidbit of gossip.
Seeing his chance to find answers to the “Running Man’s” continued victories, he crossed the parking lot and hailed the physics teacher, and Mr. Saginstein greeted him warmly. After all, Rauru Saginstein had taken an immediate liking to Link since the first day of physics class that year because of his good character and attention to his class, and he had even gotten to the point of giving him arcane tidbits of advice. (Link had debated getting his ears pierced for quite some time, but only after Rauru Saginstein had suggested it to him directly did he ever do so. As expected, Link was pleased with his decision when the girls, already wild over Link, went simply ga-ga for it.)
Link explained his problem… and his confusion about how he could possibly have lost the race, even with the magical Internet device. Rauru Saginstein laughed and told him that the device Link bought was likely a fraud. “After all,” he said in a scruff voice, “there’s only one way to go manipulate time, and that’s using the Ocarina of Ti–” He quickly put his hand over his mouth, knowing he had said too much.
“What’s this?” Link inquired. “Tell me of this! I need to beat the Running Man!”
Rauru resisted for some time, yet Link swore that he would tell Rauru’s secret to the world if it was not shared with him. At long last, the teacher relented and told him of the years of research he had done on the art of time travel. He had even tried to go for a Ph.D. in Physics at Holodrum University, which inevitably culminated in the Ocarina of Time experiment. Yet instead of the success he believed he would receive, his dissertation committee laughed at him and threw him out of the academy. For many years, academics referred to him as the “Sage of Time” (to which he would always grumble and say that he was “The Sage of Light, you morons! Not Time!”).
Link, testing his luck even further, pressed Rauru to possibly borrow this artifact… “just for the day, of course.” Rauru grew worrisome over this, but upon repeated threats of blackmail (which his best friend Navi would harshly scold him for later that day), Rauru handed over the precious ocarina, threatening that if it was not back in his hands the very next day, Link would be very sorry.
Link then raced back to the running track, not bothering to change back into his gym clothes, to where Sue still was practicing. Hiding the Ocarina in his pants pocket, he offered yet another challenge to the Running Man, who gladly accepted. They went to the starting line, and as soon as the gun sounded, Sue ran off between the narrow hills, through which the cross-country track travelled, and quickly disappeared as he crossed over into the next scene.
Link pulled the Ocarina of Time from his pants pocket and played the melody that Rauru had taught him, pulling him back into the past precisely seven years into his past. Through a vortex of swirling, psychadelic colours Link flew, leaping back into history long forgotten, and then suddenly… the colours stopped, and Link was on solid ground. Link looked at himself… and he was ten years old… the body of a fifth grader. Confused at the power of this artifact yet utterly amazed, Link trotted along through the path, which had been made many years ago, before even now. Without any true time limit now, Link was hardly in a hurry!
After his casual stroll through the woods, he reached the metal pole that stood at the end of the track. Having proven his worth, having arrived at the finish line well before he started the race, he took a Sharpie from his pocket and wrote:
“Be it known that on March 16th, 1995 at 4:24:15pm, I, Link beat the Running Man on a contest that began on March 16th, 2002 at 4:00:36pm.”
Feeling satisfied at having proven himself, he used the Ocarina to fast forward himself back through time to his teenage self. As expected, Sue stood there expectantly, yet even though Link had appeared out of nowhere, Sue remained unimpressed.
“Beat you again,” Sue said idly.
“Fat chance of that! Look at the pole, loser.”
“Heh. I think you should look at the pole, my friend.”
Link thought Sue was only pulling his leg, but Link looked anyway. At first, a rush of relief washed over him as he saw his own text written, but soon this transfigured itself into horror as he then read a line of text that had been appended below his…
“But Sue was here at 4:24:14pm that very same day. One second earlier, as always. I win again!”
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