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Whose Blog?–Linkkam’s Family Values

March 28th, 2006 at 10:54 pm by The Missing Link

It’s time for Whose Blog Is It Anyway?! The show where everything’s made up, and the points don’t matter! That’s right, the points matter about as much as the King of Hyrule! Hi, I’m your host, Drew Linky. C’mon, let’s have some fun!

As you’ll notice, I made an entire category for these, so that means it’ll likely come back to haunt you later! But for now, several people mentioned the nonexistence of Link’s parents… and the random existence of uncles, grandparents, second cousins, annoying half-fairies, evil stepsisters, and college roommates that seem to pop up in every game. So today, we’re going to have a metafiction to discuss… Link’s family…

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It’s been frequently said that “it takes a village to raise a child.” Most children dread the phrase as they likely only hear it at the inopportune time when their neighbour is taddling on them for breaking her window with a baseball or digging up her petunias. The theory goes if that an entire community served as model parents for a troublesome youth that he or she would be too busy constantly looking over his or her shoulder to see if someone was watching them that they would never get into trouble. Unfortunately, or fortunately–depending upon your perspective, communities don’t seem to be like they used to back before the Ice Age hit, and now we’ve got all sorts of children playing Pok√©mon TGC in the back alleys. What has this world gone to? Some people say it’s the lack of parents taking charge in children’s lives. Others say that it’s video game violence. Others say it’s lack of community awareness.

In the case of some children, it’s all three. Take Link Harkanian, age 17.

According to reports that The Hylian Enquirer managed to obtain, both of Harkanian’s parents disappeared shortly after birth, and it was then when the Kingdom moved in and sent him to the Hyrulian Orphanarium located in the Kokiri Forest where he stayed for the greater part of his young life. There he grew up with many other children, each of them orphaned just like Harkanian. The administrators of the Orphanarium established a strict set of rules to keep the children from leaving since they would be provided for there. Fresh food was served every day, individual rooms were provided to every child, and education was even provided by sending them to the Hyrule Public Academy for Underprivileged Children and the Criminally Insane. All in all, it was what should have been the end of the story. He was in the village that should have provided for him.

But Link found a way to break out of the Orphanarium and began to run amok throughout Hyrule. Without any of the guidance that his parents would have been able to provide him, he began his life of lawlessness and crime. He was caught hundreds of times randomly breaking into and entering many of the homes in Kakariko and Hyrule Castle Town, trespassing on royal property, vandalism and destruction of property, theft and grand larceny by pilfering citizens’ life savings… the list goes on and on. By age 10, his criminal record was longer than most people’s when they’re on their deathbed! Yet the village thought that he was a cute boy, and instead of punishing him for his crimes, they either did nothing or, worse yet, gave him treats and money, telling him to run off and go play.

Hardly the village to raise the child.

But where were the parents during all of this? We talked to Impa Sheikah, the mayor of Kakariko Village. “It’s always been rumoured that the boys’ parents were killed, but frankly I’m quite skeptical of the thing. One day a man came into our town saying that Hyrule Castle Town had been attacked. We assembled the police to head over there, but when we arrived, we found out the report had been falsified.” (Editors Note: The above report is consistent with our political views and, as such, we believe it to be well-sourced and documented without need of acquiring other witnesses’ accounts.) The man was never to be heard from again, and so Link Harkanian’s parents simply disappeared without trace, the mystery about their disappearance never being solved despite the family’s insistence on keeping their pictures present on cartons of Lon Lon Milk for months after the incident.

That said, the popular belief is that Link’s parents were precisely the type of thieves and crooks that their own son became to be, and that they were only in Hyrule long enough to pull a grand heist from the First Royal Treasury Bank. After Link’s birth, the child would have been cumbersome and would have given their location away rather easily, so they abandoned him upon the success of their heist. It is because of these near-facts that it has been suggested that criminal tendency is genetic in nature and can be passed from parent to child. Further interviews of their former neighbours many years ago have shown that Link’s parents were also wild party-goers, frequently imbibing alcoholic beverages such as Chateau Romani. Yet despite all this, despite the crazy antics they have allegedly done, we found at least one person who believed that, had they stayed around and raised young Link, Link would not have turned into the raging criminal and he is today.

After it became clear that Link would refuse any attempts to return to the Orphanarium, the Kingdom repeatedly called upon the members of Link’s extended family to take care of him. At first, Link was sent to live with his grandfather, the honourable Sir Inigo Harkanian, world-renowned swordsmith. The judges who ruled in favour of this solution had hoped that his noble ideals would curb Link’s criminal tendencies, but they soon found out that this was not the case. In fact, Sir Harkanian actually allowed Link to play with swords on a frequent basis. Link, no longer satisfied with mere misdemeanors, began moving onto felony offenses. He would take swords from Sir Harkanian’s collection and then enter Hyrule Field, murdering whatever monsters happened to get in his way. The Business Skrub Union nearly left Hyrule altogether after Link began harassing card-carrying members, and only the King’s intervention managed to save the DAFTA, the Deku Alliance Free Trade Agreement.

He then moved in with his uncle, who was a famous researcher for the crown. He lived in a small shack just outside the castle walls, and it was widely hoped that Link would pick up education from his uncle. However, days later, Link’s uncle was found murdered in the basement of Hyrule Castle, and they soon found Link with his uncle’s sword and shield again on a murderous rampage. The district attorney attempted to get Link tried as an adult, but the judge overthrew the case, warning Link that any further indiscretions would not be looked favourably upon.

Link was then adopted by his maternal grandmother, Doris Dogooder, who lived on the remote island of Outset Island in the state of Hawaii. There, Link celebrated several months happily, but tragedy struck once more. After a practical joke on his birthday (giving him the “Hero’s New Clothes”), Link became enraged and poisoned his grandmother before leaving the island forever aboard a pirate ship. Authorities managed to come just in time to curb the poison, but she never was the same again.

As can be shown, the presence of parents during the developmental years of children are absolutely critical to the proper raising of a child. Yet practically, even his parents could not have stopped the eventual downfall of Link. After all, Link is avid video game player. In fact, he told us that “he’s practically been playing video games his entire life.” As we all know, video game violence = evil; for all we know, he’s probably is a huge fan of Grand Theft Horsie: Lynna City. And of course, even proper parenting can’t solve that one…

Filed under Games, Humor, Metafiction, Whose Blog?

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16 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “Whose Blog?–Linkkam’s Family Values”

    Comments

    YES!FIRST ONE!Anyways, good job TML.This is funny, and it taught me much of Link *laughs out loud* ^_^. WHOOOO, that was good.But you forgot Aryll, and what of the cuccos?Never mind, still, you get betetr and better.

    L…M…*N*…O…

    *gasps for air* Woo, that was good! Nice work.

    More absolutely HEINOUS criminal acts of Link:
    1) Attacking the innocent cuccos! Surely, the owners would be mightily disturbed seeing the lad slash up their flock with his sword!

    2) Attacking and purposely mishandling the pigs! I mean he lifted one up and threw it in the ocean! That poor pig

    Both 1 and 2 = Animal abuse, I say!

    3) Disguising yourself as the postman by wearing his hat and going through mailboxes and looking at people’s letters! That’s just ridiculous!

    4) Grave robbing. Perhaps he didn’t steal all that money afterall…

    *looks at Link’s criminal record*

    *sigh* I suppose that’s why parenting serves such a significant importance in a child’s life.

    Nice one ;)

    Sweet.

    hahaaaa that was funny!!! Would links act of “poisonimg the Well of Karkariko be an act?

    shadowknight said:

    hahaaaa that was funny!!! Would links act of “poisonimg the Well of Karkariko be an act?

    Great idea.I got one, harrasing the spider people!

    Haha! Man, this is most probably the funniest article to date here on ZeldaBlog. :D

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAEEERRRRRKKKK (Doctor- Its a cardiac arrest, get a medkit).

    Awww man that was FUNNY I havent laughed like that since… well your last metafiction, lol. Well some Scientists believe that a new alternate reality is created when we are faced with more than one choice in life, in the alternate reality you took the second choice so in one of them Link could have been a No-Good-varmant.

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    shadowknight said:

    hahaaaa that was funny!!! Would links act of “poisonimg the Well of Karkariko be an act?

    Great idea.I got one, harrasing the spider people!

    I have another one, Mauling Epona to jump a suicide jump to guredo valley!

    You could also say he repeatedly tried to attack an old man on Outset Island whose only defense was a stick. Fortunately, the man was a former warrior and was able to ward off the blows, but the number and ferocity of the attack finally forced the man to give up his life insurance (heart container)…..Wow, I really thought too much about that.

    I got another one…forcibly changing a cucco into a human.And (a favorite in MCLOZ) attempt of suicide.

    And the senseless slaughter of the rare endangered Skulltullas just to get a few gold tokens.

    Nice! With Inigo Harkinian I wasn’t sure if you were going with Sir Inigo Montoya, but this line keeps playing through my mind “Hello. My name is Inigo Harkinian. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

    Absolute brilliance TML. Darth Citrus has competition now!

    And also, Impa can report on how he caused the citizens of Kakariko Village to die of dehydration when he completely dried their well.

    Nabooru is my idol said:

    Absolute brilliance TML. Darth Citrus has competition now!

    I sense some competition will arise soon enough.METAFICTION TIME!

    HH in Big Booming voice:This story is about two comedians, in the Zelda-verse.They both make people laugh, but they are on different sides of the Triforce.One, a man, clad in aquamarine clothes, is The Missing Link, and when he’s not making people on Hyrule laugh, he (on Earth) is David Linkerman, entertaining humans with his “Top Ten” list.While on the other side of the Triforce, the Dark side, Darth Citrus, a fruit feared by many, is plotting to take over Hyrule…with comedy.David and DC will both be in a secret underground stand-up comedy/showdown, hosted by the Shiekah, and the winner gets to marry the Shiekah Princess (aka, Belle)and Finally, our story begins…
    *shiekah announcer* Alrighty then folks, I am Dark Jim Carrey, hosting the XXVIII annual Comedian Fights, brought to you by, The Zoran Filteration Company, if it taste like us, its Zoran Water!and now, First up the ring is…The Missing Link (aka, TML) and he’s fighting, HH.
    HH: Wait, what am I doing here?
    TML: Sorry pal, but we must do this.
    HH: Ok then *reaches into pocket and pulls out a microphone* Lets do it *taps microphone* Do you wonder why Ganon always captures Zelda?Because he’s a “pig.”*dum dum ding*
    TML and audience: *sweatdrop*
    HH: Uh-oh 0_0;
    TML: I’m going to use the “Top Ten List” *says ten different things about what you don’t want Ganondorf to say*
    HH: *LHNO (laughing his *NAVI* off)
    TML: I win.

    To Be continued (due to the microphone being broken) and I hope this doesn’t mess up again.

    Hopefully the European Zora that is Robert-UK can come back for a re-match, lol.

    Ah who knows, I’l make part two on some other subject.This story is one of three stories on the “Comedian” fights, and no doubt I’ll write #2 on the next comedy articale, whether it be a Whose Blog? of ASSA.On the next one will be with DC fighting someone else, maybe EZ, and #3 will be both TML and DC fighting, and in the end will be a usual cliche.Anyways, ASSA and Whose Blog? will be real great places for my metas, that and on stuff for politics.Hey TML, when are you writing another Whose Blog anyways?