ZeldaBlog

Zelda’s Axiom

March 18th, 2006 at 9:07 pm by The Missing Link

So my recent metafictions haven’t been funny. Hopefully you’ll like this one better.

RPGs (which this time will include Zelda) have been notorious for being shadows of the same story. It’s a popular theory itself for each of the Zelda games to be just rehashes of the same story over and over again. So naturally, certain elements of RPGs tend to become rather clichéd in nature. I mean, take a look around. Whether it’s Final Fantasy or Tales of Symphonia, Chrono Trigger or Secret of Mana, Grandia or The Legend of Zelda, *ahem* “the goal of every game… is to Save the World from an evil figure who’s trying to take it over or destroy it[, and] there is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist’s goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to accomplish it” (Rule #39, “What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld?”).

One of my favourites (sad, but true) is the cliché that takes its name from one of our beloved Zelda characters. As such, I bring you another humorous metafiction, this time concerning the famed Rule #40, ZELDA’S AXIOM.

Metafiction (noun) - fictional writing which self-consciously and systematically draws attention to its status as an artifact in order to pose questions about the relationship between fiction and reality.

~~~

Finally creeping past the last of the guards, I wandered into the courtyard of Hyrule Castle. It looked to be a sanctuary from all the troubles of the world, the spring flowers having already grown to a state of remarkable beauty. The afternoon sun cast its light upon the closer half of the courtyard, outlining the shape of the towers clearly upon the ground. The day would have been perfect… yet there was something eating away at the back of my mind, the knowledge of a terrible fate still yet to take place within Hyrule. I knew things were amiss… and even worse that I was inexplicably tied to the events that were to occur once again. It was what brought me here to this place, this courtyard; I had to seek wisdom from the only one I knew I could trust.

“Link!” a voice cried out. My gaze shifted to the side to see the Princess Zelda running my direction, her arms spread out, her smile broad. As she finally reached me, she threw her arms around me, embracing me closely, half out of sheer surprise and happiness to see her friend, half… for a reason that was momentarily unfathomable, a reason that would almost certainly become clear within moments.

“Zelda!” I said with relief . I hugged her for a moment before letting her go. “You don’t know how good it is to see you.”

“I beg to differ,” she said. Her voice was still light and airy, yet her face began to grow much more serious. “It’s a relief to see you, actually. There’s been a lot going on here, and I’ve been having… Have you felt what I’ve been feeling, Link?”

It was always difficult to answer the question that Zelda would so often ask me. Zelda’s thoughts were always somewhere always deeper than what I could possibly fathom. Whenever we were in synch with one another, I was usually only able to barely scrape the surface of what Zelda’s thoughts really were, yet she never seemed to care about the depth of my understanding, just the direction in which my thoughts were travelling. Zelda was always insatiably curious tothose ends.

“Well, yes… or at least, I think so. I’ve been having a vague feeling that something is to happen.. something—”

“Something bad, yes?” Zelda interrupted. I could only nod. “I’ve been having the same. I think it’s Ganondorf; I can feel his presence trying to break the seal. He’s trying to break back into Hyrule.”

“Oh great…”

“It’s not to worry though,” Zelda reassured me. “I think it’s possible to foil his plot. I have a plan, but I need your help in doing it, Link. You see, scattered throughout Hyrule, there are these eight—”

“Stop right there,” I said, putting my hand over Zelda’s mouth.

Zelda, clearly not amused by the interruption, tossed my hand aside. “What in the goddesses’ name are you doing?”

“Don’t say it, Zelda.”

“Say what?”

Pause. “Say whatever you were about to say. It’s completely unnecessary, I assure you. There’s got to be a better plan! Ganondorf’s weak right now, after all. I can beat him!”

“Whatever do you mean? I’ve given this a lot of thought! I don’t see any other plan but to get the eight—”

“I told you, don’t do that!”

“Do what?!”

“You know!”

“You’re so odd today, Link! What’s wrong with getting the eight…”

“Noooo!! I’m not listening!!”

“…Amulets of…”

“Stoooop!!”

“…Virtue so we can stop Ganondorf from…”

“Why, for the goddesses’ sake, why?! Do you know what you’ve just done, Zelda!?”

Zelda just looked me oddly. “Just what have I done that’s so horrible!?” Her voice was indicating the beginning of a slight temper.

“You just told me about the eight Amulets of Virtue! You mentioned some number of sacred artifacts! Don’t you know what that means?” She shook her head, oblivious. “That means that, now that you’ve uttered the fact that these things exist, the only way this godforsaken game will let me beat it will be for me to go out and collect all these accursed things! Before you did that, before you spoke of it, I probably just could’ve gone and stabbed him with my sword, completely killed him off, and then the world would be happy once again! You just sent me on a stupid collection quest full of dungeons, monsters, near-death experiences, skeletons, bosses, swinging blades, fireballs, gophers, rejected Disney characters, and pain! It’s like it was every other time. The fates are now against me! You could have been silent! Why, oh why!?”

Zelda was stunned for a brief moment at my outburst. I didn’t dare look at her face for I was too focused now on the horrible fate that she had just cast upon me. Silence filled the air for perhaps half a minute before she finally spoke again, yet she spoke as if what I had said had been only a monologue, ignoring it completely as if I had never spoken a single word. “The first one is in the south, deep in the desert. Do take care of yourself, Link; I fear for your safety.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m on it. Thanks for nothing.”

Filed under Games, Humor, Metafiction

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28 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “Zelda’s Axiom”

    Comments

    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

    Ah, man. Even though I don’t believe all of them are spot on, ya’ just gotta love some of those cliches.

    Poor Link going through all that it’s times like that, that you would rather have tea with Tingle.

    Well, you’ve got the “she spoke as if… I had never spoken a single word” part right. Good metafiction.

    Hehehehe man that was funny… but who said your previous metafictions werent funny, I liked them. But thats Links lot in life I guess, once someone tells him about the eight whatever he has to go look for its like having an itch that has to be scratched.

    That is great, and true to what happens.

    haahaa! In my fan-fiction link has to go find seven knights, so it was on the lines of that. That was funny TML! you are a really good storyteller, Ill say that.

    So funny yet so true. Keep up the metafiction, TML.

    But for all the pain the artifact gathering gives you, it’s still mandatory. without going through that huge quest, you’re not giving the enemy a chance to free himself, steal your girl, and swing things terribly in his favor. which, by the way, is also needed in every RPG, zelda incuded.

    I agree with cucco_cojiro and Master of Volvagia.This is another great Zelda metafic you came up with, and maybe the best one yet, ‘cuz its funny for being true.Its even got a point, since when Link starts his trip, the villian is at their weakest, and as it goes on, they get stronger while we get throught all the tough and boring part.I would like to not save anyone and just enjoy kicking the bad guys *NAVI* for even trying to kill me.BTW, what’s an axiom?

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    BTW, what’s an axiom?

    An axiom is a statement of truth that is used to build further statements of truth. So for example, the fact that you have to find the eight Amulets of Virtue creates a whole world of clichés (as is easily evidenced by the Grand List).

    definitely a good one, a bit short, but it made me laugh.

    The question has been in my mind for a while so i’m just going to ask it now. TML are you ever goig to make a Zelda fangame you are really good with stories and are a programer so why dont you make give it a try?

    A Zelda fangame sounds cool if we all get a say in the content but TML has his hands full with looking after TGA, TZB and writeing his stories to get involved with makeing a fan game… I would still like to see it though, maybe you could do it in a few years eh TML?

    Great stuff. And so true.

    It’s not just RPG’s, but I’d go as far as saying that all fantasy fiction in just about any form is something we’ve seen before. Lord of the Rings pretty much established fantasy fiction as we know it.

    However, I don’t think that a story needs to be completely original in order to be engaging and well-told. Not at all. Final Fantasy is a good example. Each game deals with a group of heroes who end up having to save the world from destruction. But each game utilizes excellently well-developed characters, well-written dialogue, and a great plot.

    Another example is Tales of Symphonia, which had a plot that rather shamelessly re-hashed other plots (FFX in particular). And yet, it still told an engaging story.

    Sometimes it can go a little too far, and the Zelda series in particular might stand for a little freshening up. I don’t have anything else to say about it that wasn’t demonstrated in your metafiction.

    Even if they are made by two different companies, Zelda and FF seem to be alike.Ok, I need you guys (everyone who reads this) to get me: 3 seagull eggs, 2 boko sticks, 1 suit of dark nut armor, and 4 oranges.Then come back and we can have a party ^_^ I’ll get Tingle to use as a pinata (mwahahahahahahahahahahahaaa) the items (combined from everyone) will be as the following: the eggs will make a huge omelette, oranges will make orange juice, the armor is to wear, and the sticks are to make tiki torches.Get going!

    on the subject of a fan game, while it would be cool, I’ve never heard TML ever think about doing one, and programmer and webmaster are two very different things.

    besides, I’m much more concerned about the Book of Mudora getting updated than any Fan game

    on the subject of a fan game, while it would be cool, I’ve never heard TML ever think about doing one, and programmer and webmaster are two very different things.

    besides, I’m much more concerned about the Book of Mudora getting updated than any Fan game (Subtle hint)

    evil link said:

    The question has been in my mind for a while so i’m just going to ask it now. TML are you ever goig to make a Zelda fangame you are really good with stories and are a programer so why dont you make give it a try?

    What? This isn’t good enough for you!? I provide you with the “bestest of Internets entertainment,” and you want more!? Are you not entertained? :o Bloody ungrateful… *incoherent mumbling* ;)

    In all seriousness though, have I ever thought about doing a fangame? Yes. Have I ever been drunk enough to realise that it is within my power to make a fangame? Absolutely not. (Of course, I also said the same thing about a certain fannovel, but we won’t get into that, nooooo…) At any rate, I do know what game I would make as a fangame if I had the chance, and no, it isn’t Zelda. Be that as it may, I think there’s a much better chance of me joining the “real” game industry rather than making a fangame. It’s much more profitable, don’tcha know?!

    And in case you are wondering, the chances of me joining the gaming industry are definitely not zero.

    Lets move away from fangames, and move to the subject, otherwise, I’ll make another fanfic here, starring TML and some of us.BTW, WHERES THE JUNK i ORDERED, ALL I GOT WERE STUFF FROM NAVI!!!Just kidding.Ahh, I got nothing else to write here, so its another fanfic from HH (please rate it)

    *HH over a PA system*

    HH:And its another wonderful day in Hyrule, not too hot, not too cold, just right…for a wrestling match.Its David Linkerman (aka TML) against Volvagia (Master of Volvagia) and some zora from Europe (sorry Robert-UK) its David Vs. Volvagia and Robert the Zora.First up, Comedian Vs. Dragon.The battle begins with David Linkerman, pulls up his “Sword of Comedy” and swings at Volvagia, but misses.Volvagia soars in the air and drops rocks on David, but from his special move, “Make’EmLaugh” he made the boulders laugh themselves into dust.Volvagia then tries to bite down, buuuuuuuut David suddenly pulls out a crystal blue ball, what is it?ITS ARTICUCCO!And Articucco freezes Volvagia.DAVID WINS *three hours later* Its now time for, A Link Vs. A Fish.First, Robert makes a move with his Anti-Tingle Keyblade, yet David makes a move with another round of “Make’EmLaugh” but Robert is resistent, and lands a hit on David’s head.Now Robert’s in it, because David pulled out one of the most powerful weapons on Hyrule, the Gust Book, its a book that can suck up anything.He aims it at Robert, and Robert comes flying in with his Zora Boomerang Fins, but David stopped them with his “Sword of Comedy” now Robert is in trouble, and he sucks up Robert, now a drawing in the “Gust Book” and the battle is…WAIT HE’S AIMING THE BOOK AT *is sucked up*

    Sorry for those that lost in my metafiction, but if TML didn’t win, he’ll take away my chocolate milk (just kidding) No one was hurt in the making of my metafiction, and is approved by the makers of the Gust Jar.I’d make it longer, but I ran out of thoughts.Another thing is, I used a bit of FF and another subject here.Anyways, its always collecting something depending the game.In LoZ, its the Triforce of Wisdom, in AoL, you place six gems in temples, in ALttP, you collect Pendants and Maidens, in LA, its the Instruments of the Sirens, in OoT, its gems and medallions, in MM, collecting remians (just the face) in the Oracles, essences of *insert something here* in FS, you collect gems, in TWW, is pearls, and powerup the sword, and the Triforce of Courage (sooner or later, he’s gotta get the Triforce of Power) in FSA, its gems and maidens, and in TMC, its more gems and powering up the sword, as for TP I have no clue. *gasp…pant…faint*

    The Missing Link said:

    evil link said:

    The question has been in my mind for a while so i’m just going to ask it now. TML are you ever goig to make a Zelda fangame you are really good with stories and are a programer so why dont you make give it a try?

    What? This isn’t good enough for you!? I provide you with the “bestest of Internets entertainment,” and you want more!? Are you not entertained? :o Bloody ungrateful… *incoherent mumbling* ;)

    In all seriousness though, have I ever thought about doing a fangame? Yes. Have I ever been drunk enough to realise that it is within my power to make a fangame? Absolutely not. (Of course, I also said the same thing about a certain fannovel, but we won’t get into that, nooooo…) At any rate, I do know what game I would make as a fangame if I had the chance, and no, it isn’t Zelda. Be that as it may, I think there’s a much better chance of me joining the “real” game industry rather than making a fangame. It’s much more profitable, don’tcha know?!

    And in case you are wondering, the chances of me joining the gaming industry are definitely not zero.

    I’m always entertained with ZeldBlog and TGA no matter what.

    I’d rather finish this coffee than go along with that!!! ^_^

    You do realize, TML, that if Link got his way in TP, we’d be waiting all this time for nothing. ;-)

    Hey that was pretty good Hyrulian Hero but you made one tiny, little mistake… there is no way I would loose, lol.

    LM*N*O (laughing my *Navi* off).

    Very true and well done once again, TML.

    Atleats no one touches my chocolate milk now ^_^ *sips* trust me, I’m only doing this action once.Anyways, There’s only two reasons that Link does what Zelda asks him to do, its either because Nintendo owns his soul and if Link doesn’t do it, Nintendo’s dead, or (might upset some people out there) he’s really in love with Zelda (just kidding, disregaurd second please)

    ROFLM*N*O!!!

    Good stuff TMl, good stuff.

    Good one, bud. Keep it up, and I’ll keep comin’ back.

    I just read the whole “chliched” page, now I can pursue to make the ultimate RGP game (a Zelda game too) just kidding, but I promise, I did read that whole list.Now my brain is bleeding, but I’m smarter.