Really? Anything but Tingle RPG?

February 13th, 2006 at 10:03 pm by The Missing Link

Your wish is granted. Enjoy the metafiction.


The scene was tragic.

Just hours ago, the war-torn battlefield where they now stood was once the pristine Hyrule Castle, its towers rising high above the land so tall that they could be seen from virtually everywhere. No other kingdom in all the world could match what the Hylians had managed to create here, and so legend of its magnificent glory had travelled far and wide. Nearly every man and woman saw to it that, once in their lives, they would make a pilgrimage to Hyrule just to catch a mere glimpse of the splendor that stood here. Even Ganondorf’s occupation of the once holy fortress could not wholly taint the legacy that the masters of Hyrule had worked for centuries to create.

Now, however, all laid in ruins. No longer were the banners waving from their precipices upon the tower balconies; the one tower that somehow had managed to survive the onslaught stood only at half height, its upper section lying helplessly over the moat, now devoid of water. The glistening white stone that had served as the walls and ceilings of this place now lay littered upon the ground, broken and blackened in the wake of battle. The famed stained glass that had decorated the Great Hall was now shattered and was scattered about the rubble; no longer would they be once again whole. All was lost here, the greatest architectural achievement ever known to all the people… gone within a matter of hours.

Two men stood amongst the debris of shattered dreams. Blood from both had already been spilled, fertilizing the ground with their effort. Sweat beaded on the brows of the men, and their chests heaved with exhaustion. Never before had a battle of such epic proportions been dueled; never had the devasation ever been so great… nor the circumstances so dire.

The two men looked at one another, their eyes reddened and weary, yet in a single glance, all of their exhaustion was erased. Vigour once again flowed into them, and at once they were full of strength. A man in green clenched his teeth with anger, the pains on his body throbbing endlessly… only adding fuel to his fiery fury. On the other end, a man in black armour stood, and his mouth quirked into a smile. Soon he found a chuckle escape his lips, delighting in some private amusement.

“I would never have guessed that someone like you could have come so far,” the man in black said, his voice almost sultry. There was a sense of awe within his eyes, almost a newfound respect creeping forth from his previous underestimation of the boy. But a twinkle in his eye revealed his innermost secret, for he knew that the battle was far from over. He still had had the power to continue, and nothing would deny him that right. “The game ends here though; I assure you, you will have come all this way for nothing!”

“Not a chance!” the youth in green replied, his voice eager and hasty. He stared at his opponent—his enemy—with such intensity than lesser men would have withered in its bask. His determination was second to none, and he would stop at nothing to rectify the ills that the man before him had caused. He had lost everything to the twilight that this man had created; his home, his friends… his love, all of it was gone, drawned into the void where only death remained. “This game is not over yet! So long as I stand…!”

“Look at you, boy!” the man shot back. “All of your allies, your support… all of it is gone because of me! I have taken down every soul that has dared to oppose me, and they have all fallen, each and every one. It’s hopeless! Leave now… and maybe I will spare you.”

“Never!” The boy was seething now, facing insult atop the injuries his inexperience had already foolishly bought him. A laugh finally escaped his lips, his thoughts bordering on madness and chaos. “Don’t you get it, though? No one has ever come this far before! Never has anyone else ever seen you this weak, this powerless! Your minions are slain as well, slain by my hand and mine alone. Maybe you should concede… and maybe you will keep your dignity at the end of the day!”

“Humph!” came the quick retort. The man no longer found delicious pleasure in the conversation, and his mouth tightened in a frown. “Very well then. If you are so cock-sure of yourself…”

“Oh… I am.”

“One on one, then.”

“Best odds I’ve seen yet.”

“So be it.”

In blinding speed, Link drew forth his last weapon from his belt and threw it with strength he didn’t even know he had. Whirling upon his foot in a single spiral, he watched it fly at the man in black, waiting… hoping… praying…

It hit the ground, rolling to a halt. In an instant, the sphere that Link had thrown split open, and blue lightning shot from its centre. And there, high above the air, a large blue Cucco appeared, one of the few legends that was greater than Hyrule Castle itself.

One of the legendary Cuccómon.

“Articucco! I choose you!”

“So be it. Cucconite, go!”


How does Tingle RPG sound now?

Filed under Humor, Metafiction

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36 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “Really? Anything but Tingle RPG?”


    ::wince:: A part of my brain just died.

    ROFL, that was awesome lol. I still don’t want a Tingle RPG though :P

    Comparing Tingle RPG to Final Fallacy and Pokemon is rather pointless when stuff like Mario & Luigi exists. I still greatly anticipate the game.

    Odd, yet, funny *laughs for five minutes*I rather read this stuff rather than playing a Tingle RPG, and if I had the choice to be locked in a room with either Navi or Tingle, “I Choose Navi” wahahahahahahahaa ^_;

    I wouldn’t leave the house without a shotgun if that
    game came out. …..Yeech!

    *falls over* GROAN!

    The Missing Link said:

    Now, however, all laid in ruins.

    Quick grammatical issue: I think it should be “all lay in ruins.” Lay is the past tense of to lie, which is the verb I think you’re looking for here.

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaa!Still funny, I still would go for Cuccomon rather than a Tingle RPG (that how much I dislike Tingle with great intensity, or in other words, how much I hate him, forgive me)You guys would see me as a mental person right now.


    I read this ten minutes ago and I’m still laughing!

    Cuccochu, I choose you!

    Oh man TML that is awesome I didnt see that coming, I really got into that story then and then you went and twisted the boundaries haha good one I salute you.

    I have way too much time on my hands…

    I have a mental list of different cuccos, I’ll list them in game order (from LoZ to TMC)side note: some games I never played, so fill in the space if I didn’t add a known cucco, plus, any made up cucco I’ll add at the end of the list.
    Basic Cucco (ALttP)CuccoTwo (ALttP)SkeleCucco (ALttP)SuperCucco (OoT)Cojiro (OoT)
    PiCucco (MM)FourCucco (FSA)Giant FourCucco (FSA)Speedy FourCucco (FSA)
    Hungry Hungry Cucco (TMC)Gold Cucco (TMC)ArtiCucco (ZB)CuccoNite (ZB)CuccoChu (ZB)

    lol,thats funny, but what did links opponent do? =)

    I neglected to add the Pocket Cucco (OoT) it’ll be a good way of getting Zelda its own trading cards.TML, where’d you get the idea of CuccoMon?

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    I neglected to add the Pocket Cucco (OoT) it’ll be a good way of getting Zelda its own trading cards.TML, where’d you get the idea of CuccoMon?

    Let me guess… Pokémon?

    HAhaha! what about Moblinite or Stalchildor? hahaha!!

    You win. There’s not much to say in the face of such…….You just win.

    woo… TOTALLY didnt see that little pokemon episode comin’… Hee hee, Gannie and Link using pokemon… wow O_O LOL

    You know, a pokemon zelda crossover might not be so bad. *runs to the secret elevator, decends fifty miles straight down into a cement-fortified bunker, with food and water for years, waiting for the inevidable torrent of hate destened to come with the fury of heven and hell*

    I have a feeling this will ruin the brilliance of the Zelda lore.

    Goronmon & Zoramon, I choose you.

    I have an idea for a Fanfic, “The Legend of Zelda & the Quest for the Holy Triforce” its a play on Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. You could have Link as King Arthur and have any Zelda character you can think of as his Knights, just think of a Zelda version of the old man on the bridge-

    Old Man: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
    Mido: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
    Old Man: What… is your name?
    Mido: My name is Mido of Hyrule.
    Old Man: What… is your quest?
    Mido: To seek the Holy Triforce.
    Old Man: What… is your favourite colour?
    Mido: Blue.
    Old Man: Right. Off you go.
    Mido: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
    Tingle: That’s easy! [approaches the Old Man]
    Old Man: Stop! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
    Tingle: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I’m not afraid.
    Old Man: What… is your name?
    Tingle: Tingle of Termina.
    Old Man: What… is your quest?
    Tingle: To seek the Holy Triforce.
    Old Man: What… is the capital of Calatia?
    Tingle: I don’t know that! Auuuuuuuugh! [is cast into the gorge]
    Old Man: Stop! What… is your name?
    Talon: Talon of Hyrule.
    Old Man: What… is your quest?
    Talon: I seek the Triforce.
    Old Man: What… is your favourite colour?
    Talon: Blue. No, yellow– auuuuuuuugh! [is cast into the gorge]
    Old Man: Hee hee heh. Stop! What… is your name?
    Link: It is Link, Hero of Time.
    Old Man: What… is your quest?
    Link: To seek the Holy Triforce.
    Old Man: What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen Cuccoo?
    Link: What do you mean? A Hylian Cuccoo or a Calatian Cuccoo?
    Old Man: Huh? I– I don’t know that. Auuuuuuuugh! [is cast into the gorge]
    Zelda: How do you know so much about Cuccoo’s?
    Link: Well, you have to know these things when you’re Hero of Time, you know.

    Very funny Robert.Despite that Link and cuccos are natural enemies, they are sort of the same, Link come in many forms, cuccos have many forms, they’re ego-maniacs, that and they have sharp objects, and they are everywhere.

    haha… you know, you are a pretty good story teller TML… :D

    More adventures from “The Legend of Zelda & the Quest for the Holy Triforce”-

    The Witch

    Mob Leader: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
    Angry Mob: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!
    Tingle: How do you know she is a witch?
    Mob Leader: She looks like one!
    Tingle: Bring her forward.
    Koume: I’m not a witch, I’m not a witch!
    Tingle: But you are dressed as one.
    Koume: They dressed me up like this…
    Angry Mob: No! Nooo! We didn’t! We didn’t!
    Koume: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
    Tingle: [lifts up the fake nose] Well?
    Mob Leader: Well, we did do the nose.
    Tingle: The nose….?
    Angry Mob: And the hat, but she is a witch.
    Tingle: Did you dress her up like this?
    Angry Mob: NO! No!… Yes, a bit, a bit. But she has got a wart.
    Tingle: What makes you think that she is a witch?
    Mr. Newt: What, she turned me into a newt.
    Tingle: A newt?
    Mr. Newt: ……….. I got better.
    Angry Mob: BURN HER ANYWAY!!!! BURN HER!!!!
    Tingle: Quiet, quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
    Angry Mob: There are??? Are there??? Tell us. Tell us. Do they hurt?
    Tingle: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
    Mr. Newt: Burn them!
    Tingle: And what do you burn apart from witches?
    Mr. Newt: More witches! [Peasant gets slapped]
    Peasant #2: Wood!
    Tingle: So, why do witches burn?
    Peasant #3: ………. ‘Cause they’re made of… wood?
    Tingle: Good! So how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
    Peasant #1: Build a bridge out of her!
    Sir Bedevere: Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
    Peasant #1: Oh ya.
    Tingle: Tell me, Does wood sink in water?
    Peasant #1: No, no, it floats. Throw her into the pond!
    Tingle: No, no. What also floats in water?
    Peasant #1: Bread
    Peasant #2: Apples
    Peasant #3: Very small rocks
    Peasant #1: Cider
    Peasant #2: Gravy
    Peasant #3: Cherries
    Peasant #1: Mud
    Peasant #2: Churches
    Peasant #3: Lead! Lead!
    Link: A duck!
    Tingle: Exactly! So, logically…..
    Angry Mob: If she weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.
    Tingle: And therefore?
    Angry Mob: A Witch!
    [Having been revealed to weigh the same as a duck, therefore proving her a witch]
    Koume: It’s a fair cop.

    Link & the Black Knight
    Link: Greetings good sir knight. [no response from the black knight] I am Link, king of the Hyilians. [still no response] I seek the finest knights in the land to join me and my court at Hyrule. [still no response] You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? [still no response] You make me sad. So be it! Come, Tingle.
    Black Knight: None shall pass.
    Link: What?
    Black Knight: None shall pass.
    Link: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
    Black Knight: Then you shall die.
    Link: I command you, as King of the Hyilians, to stand aside!
    Black Knight: I move…… for no Elf.
    Link: So be it!
    [rounds of melee, with Link cutting off the left arm of the black knight]
    Link: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
    Black Knight: ‘Tis but a scratch.
    Link: A scratch?!? Your arm’s off!
    Black Knight: No it isn’t.
    Link: Well what’s that then? [Pointing to the knight’s arm lying on the ground]
    Black Knight: I’ve had worse.
    Link: You liar!
    Black Knight: Come on, you pansy! [Charges Link, who chops the knight’s remaining arm off]
    Link: Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray…] We thank thee Godesses, that in thy– [is kicked in the head by the armless knight]
    Black Knight: Come on then…
    Link: You are indeed brave, good sir knight, but the fight is mine.
    Black Knight: Oooohhh, had enough, eh?
    Link: Look, you stupid b**tard, you’ve got no arms left!
    Black Knight: Yes I have.
    Link: Look!!!
    Black Knight: It’s only a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Link]
    Link: Look, I’ll have your leg.
    Black Knight: Cuccoo, Cuccoo….
    Link: RIGHT! [Chops off one of the black knight’s legs]
    Black Knight: Right, I’ll do you for that!
    Link: You’ll what?
    Black Knight: Come here!
    Link: What are you going to do, bleed on me???
    Black Knight: I’m invincible!!!
    Link: You’re a looney.
    Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs!!! Have at you!!! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards Link]
    [Link chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground]
    Black Knight: Alright, we’ll call it a draw.
    Link: Come, Tingle!
    Black Knight: Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh? You yellow b**tard! Come back here and take what’s coming to you. I’ll bite your legs off!
    [Revolutionaries try to formulate their platform.]
    Link: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man —
    Mido: Or woman.
    Link: Why don’t you shut up about women, Mido? You’re putting us off.
    Mido: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Link.
    Kafei: Why are you always on about women, Mido?
    Mido: I want to be one.
    Link, Kafei: What?
    Mido: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me “Betty”.
    Link: Wha’?
    Mido: It’s my right as a man.
    Zelda: Well,why do you want to be Betty, Mido?
    Mido: I want to have babies.
    Link: You want to have babies?!
    Mido: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
    Link: But… you can’t have babies.
    Mido: Don’t you oppress me!
    Link: I’m not oppressing you, Mido, you haven’t got a womb! Where’s the fetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?
    [Mido/Betty starts to cry.]
    Zelda: Here! I-I’ve got an idea. Suppose that you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb — which is nobody’s fault, not even the Gerudos’ — but that he can have the right to have babies.
    Kafei: Good idea, Zelda. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry.
    Link: Wh-what’s the point?
    Kafei: Wha’?
    Link: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can’t have babies?
    Kafei: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
    Link: It’s symbolic of his struggle against reality.

    Link: I’m not the Hero of Time! Will you please listen? I am not the Hero of Time, do you understand? Honestly!
    Woman: Only the true Hero of Time denies His destiny!
    Link: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right… I AM the Hero of Time!
    Followers, en masse: He is! He is the Hero of Time!
    Brian: Now, f**k off!
    [there is a long silence.]
    Mido: How shall we f**k off, oh Hero of Time?
    Link: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

    UUUUUUUhhhhhhhhh, Robert, you feeling ok?Why didn’t you use Navi for censoring?

    hmm now if we can just get a goron in the story

    cool! and i thougth pokemon and link would never be friends.(mostly because i make all the pokmon fight link and zelda in super smash bros. melee!)

    LOL!!! And just when I thought it was a fanfic they pull the Pokemon move. Great stuff! Even if you left it to the fanfic portion!

    HH’s Metafiction, beware:
    Starring TML!Note: for fun, not political, not to be mean.

    *a zoran newsreporter comes out holding Din’s Fire*
    Zora:I am Laruto, on Channel Three News Station, and I have to report, that Tingle made an advancement into the main city of Hyrule, claiming to be the reincarnation of the Hero of Time (obviously not) and he will Tingl-ize anyone that doesn,t believe him.Hey, what’s that in the sky? *A cloud of cuccos with a Hylian riding on them.*
    Zora: *gasp* Its, ITS, The Missing Link!
    TML: Go, Articucco! *tosses a crystal blue ball, and a giant blue cucco with an enormous tail comes flying almost majestically (its part chicken*
    Tinlge: OH…My…*NAVI* that, is one nasty looking bird.
    TML:Articucco, Blizzard Swarm Attack!
    Articucco: *cries into the stars, and then, a hurricane-like cloud forms over Hyrule, then a snow storm starts, and then cuccos come flying like bats from *NAVI*
    Tingle: ;0_0; *NAVI* My sweatdroplet froze, and now, T”M BIRD FOOD!
    Zora: *inside a building* What is going on for the next 60 minutes is to horrifying and gory to even describe and…oooohhhh look, there’s his skull ^_^
    TML: Now, stop the storm, please Articucco.
    Articucco: *makes the storm disappear*
    TML: Articucco, Return!
    Articucco: *disappears*
    Zora:Thankyou fir Saving Hyrule The Missing Link, I have a question for you.
    TML:Ok, what is it?
    Zora: Why is your tunic sky blue?
    TML: Well, its blue because…*static comes on*

    Hows that people, comments please, and I made TML look like a Link with a Light Blue Tunic from the icon he uses on his newsreports on TGA.

    Thats great Hyrulian Hero, very funny.

    BTW on close examination on what I wrote previously I have now decided that *Navi* would have been a better choice than what I choose at the time, “IF” I write another one I will take that into consideration, thanks for the heads up Hyrulian Hero.

    Ok, yeah…my brain just stopped working… Seriously, the hampster just fell off thw wheel and the wheel just came un bolted and landed on the hampster. Um, actually, I thought it was kinda cute, TML (now known as Poof). But, um…yeah…Tingle or Poke-Zelda-mon…I’d take the second of the two. A 35 year old guy in tights is just wrong… Actually, tights are just wrong…I went to see a ballet with male dancers and got a free anatomy lesson that I didn’t want. so, yeah…Thank goddessess for Link’s tunic!

    Ummmmmmmmm…Pokemon and Zelda…Why do I feel A tad bit scared…(eye twitches)

    Ah you guys can’t understand the comedy of crossovers (I tend too, only when it best fits, like a glove on a foot) just kidding, crossovers make no sense, its just funny and unexpecting (I’m going to be be a Master of Disguise *repeats annoyingly*) Hey TML, why is your icon of Link in a sky blue tunic (I understand the brown hair, but the blue tunic?) and Tingle, obviously wants attention, so don’t pay attention to him (and don’t pay him mony either) and he’ll explode, or like in my Metafiction, become bird food (I’d love to see that on a pic, I’m no good at anime art though)

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Hey TML, why is your icon of Link in a sky blue tunic (I understand the brown hair, but the blue tunic?

    It’s aquamarine, dang it!

    Hahaha why an aquamarine Tunic TML?

    BTW The Legend of Zelda Fiction

    The Tiger
    [During the 1st Gerudo War in Glasgow Hyrule, a doctor attends to a patient whose leg is, er… missing.]
    Dr. Link: Well, this is nothing to worry about.
    Mido: Oh, good.
    Dr. Link: Eh, there’s a lot of it about — probably a virus.
    . . .
    Mido: So, it’ll, uh… it’ll just grow back again, will it?
    Dr. Link: Ah… I think I’d… better come clean with you about this. It’s, um… it’s… not a virus, I’m afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call “very, very small”. So small, it could not possibly have made off with the whole leg. What we’re looking here for is, I think — and this is no more than an educated guess, I’d like to make that clear — is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge, razor-sharp teeth about eleven foot long, and of the genus felis horribilis — what we doctors, in fact, call a Tiger.
    Tingle, Kafei-Talon, Mido: [in unison] A Tiger?
    [Outside, the Hyilian troops and the Gerudo cease fighting.]
    Hyilian Soldiers & Gerudo: A tiger?
    [As the Gerudo flee, the Hyilian Soldiers collapse to the ground. Back in the medical tent…]
    Kafei-Talon: A Tiger, in Hyrule?
    Tingle: Hmm?
    Kafei-Talon: A TIGER, IN HYRULE?!
    Tingle: Ah, well, it- it has… probably escaped from a zoo.
    Kafei-Talon: Doesn’t sound very likely to me.

    [Link goes to answer the front door of Hyrule Castle and is confronted by a hooded figure with a scythe.]
    Link: Yes? [Pause.] Is it about the hedge?
    [Death interrupts an elegant party.]
    Death: Silence! I… have… come… for… you.
    Zelda: You mean… to…?
    Death: Take you… away. That is my purpose. I… am… Death.
    Link: Well, that’s cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn’t it?
    Mido: I don’t see it that way, Link. Let me tell you what we’re dealing with here. A potentially positive learning experience that can—
    Death: SHUT UP! Shut up, you Kokiri! You always talk, you Kokiri. You talk, and you talk, and say “let me tell you something” and “I just wanna say this”. Well, you’re dead now, so shut up!
    Mido: Dead?
    Death: Dead!
    Zelda: All of us?
    Death: All… of… you.
    Link: Now, look here! You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we’re all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this Castle, and—
    [With a bony finger, the Death pokes Link in the eye.]
    Link: Ah! Oh.
    Death: Be quiet! Hyilian, you’re all so *Naving* pompous, and none of you have got any *Navies*.

    Very funny, Robert.

    The Missing Link said:

    It’s aquamarine, dang it!

    Ok, my mistake, sorry.Anyways, why is it aquamarine?Maybe for a picture, I’ll draw the part in my fanfic of Tingle in his last few sweet seconds (if you guys know what I mean)

    Don’t make that zelda Ds I herd Tingke RPG will be on Ds plaese dont make that be tru!