LoZ: Ocarina of Hard Time

January 22nd, 2006 at 9:00 pm by The Missing Link

Hyrule Castle, Hyrule (Hylian Press)—Last night, castle police arrested Link Harkanian, believed by members of the Cult of Sages to be the Hero of Time, at 03:27 on multiple counts of disturbing the peace, breaking and entering, grand larceny, vandalism, wearing a concealed weapon, and other charges. The charges have come after receiving numerous complaints from villagers in Kokiri Village about the lack of security and safety within the town.

“The town used to be such a safe place to live,” said Impa, the mayor of Kokiri Village. “It started to go downhill, but I just believed it to be a couple of teenaged punks. Imagine my surprise to see it was the guy all the tabloids have been calling the Hero of Time. And we thought Ganondorf was bad; he at least never attacked Kakariko.”

According to eyewitness reports, Link Harkanian allegedly broke into each unlocked house in Kakariko Village last night. Residents awoke in the morning to find that their life savings had been taken from them, most of which had been locked up within treasure chests or clay pottery or hidden in the grass outside their homes. Residents also found that any clay pottery they had in their home was completely destroyed and smashed into a thousand pieces, thus providing enough evidence to potentially link Link Harkanian to the Pottery Bandit. Forensic experts have indicated that most of the pottery was destroyed by way of a large slashing object, although a few inconsistencies were discovered as a few pots were shattered with arrows and a projectile-like puncturing device.

“I was woken up by this huge commotion in the middle of the night,” one resident told reporters, who chose to remain anonymous. “A man was standing over our broken pottery, picking up all the rupees we had hid in them. I woke up my boyfriend and said, ‘Talon, there’s someone else in the house!’ Naturally, he just fell back to sleep, and now we have nothing.”

“He jus’ started attacking my Cuccos while I was asleep! Kept whackin’ them wit’ somethin’!” said Miss Amanda Cucco, the town Cucco breeder. “It was pandelerium! I thought we’d be killed or even worse! I looked out the window and saw my Cuccos flyin’ over the roof at ‘im! All I could think was that Malon still had my casserole dish!”

The Hyrule Castle Police Department showed up on the scene just as a man that proved later to be Link Harkanian was fleeing from the scene of the crime on horseback. The HCPD then proceeded to have a high-speed chase throughout Hyrule Field and into the Kokiri Forest before finally forcing his horse to stop dead at its tracks at a badly angled fence, thus drawing an end to the chase. Link Harkanian, 17, was arrested on scene.

“Not only was he robbing Kakariko blind under the guise of night,” said HCPD chief Mike Rosoft, “but he then went on a dangerous chase through the countryside at an amazing speed of six carrots. The speed limit is clearly posted at three carrots all throughout that stretch of road. He was lucky that it was the dead of night and no one was travelling that road; he could’ve killed someone and been shared with horsicular homicide!”

Link Harkanian became the adopted son of King Harkanian when he was 12, the king himself believing the rumours passed around by the Cult of Sages that Link was the Hero of Time, the single boy who defeated Ganondorf, the leader of the Gerudos. The boy supposedly came from the Lost Woods where the Kokiri lives, where he grew up without parents, most likely the cause of his insatiable deliquence. The king has repeatedly denied rumours that Link had a bad streak within him despite the repeated failed attempts to press charges on him. King Harkanian could not be reached for comment.

The Princess of Hyrule did make a statement on his behalf at a public press conference. “We have not spoken to my dearest brother since the incident last night,” she told reporters earlier this morning. “However, we will let the due process of the law take place as it happens, and hopefully he will be found innocent of all charges. After all, Ganondorf could very well have broken the seal of the Sacred Realm and orchestrated the whole thing.” When asked if the terror alert would be raised, the princess remained firm that it would remain at orange.

Link will face a preliminary hearing next Friday at the Temple of Time. His lawyer, Princess Ruto of the Zoras, also a member of the Cult of Sages, will be representing him at the hearing. She has remained silent about the procedings in public, but trusted sources close to her said that she plans to claim that Link Harkanian is innocent on grounds of insanity, claiming that “if Link was crazy enough to get engaged to Ruto, there’s no telling what he would do.”

Filed under Games, Humor, Metafiction

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41 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “LoZ: Ocarina of Hard Time”


    WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!Very good TML, very good, usually I dislike crimes tv shows but this one is good ^_^ keep at it, maybe one day you’ll meet David Letterman (you should) what gave you that idea anyways?

    The idea just popped into my head all of a sudden. (I was actually thinking about writing a different article loosely tied to A Link to the Past when this came into my head.) However, in retrospect, it’s an idea that… has probably remained latent in my head ever since I saw this.

    Ok (weird comic) anyways, The story seems a little mixed up, with Link plundering Kakariko, and Talon and Malon are married (which makes my little metafiction display in the latest ASSA look bad) but still, this one is real good.

    Good times! :-D

    Wait… I never said ANYWHERE in there that Talon and Malon were married. Remember Talon sleeping in a random bed in Kakariko?

    Like ASSAs, these are not things to take overly seriously. ;)

    Hey TML you forgot some nasty crimes for the OoT Link.

    Admit it people, Link is evil.

    The Missing Link said:

    Like ASSAs, these are not things to take overly seriously. ;)

    Yes but we here tend to. I mean have you seen the comments left on Darth’s last one? It’s crazy! lol But anyway I like the little terror alert thing, that was clever TML. Haha was it that lady with the little dog Richard that said she was with Talon?

    Nah, he’s saving up for that sword upgrade since he was living in Kokiri Forest.Sorry, it just seemed like they were married.

    Wow, that’s hilarious. it’s been about ten min since i read that, and i’m still laughing. excellent work.

    Link and Zelda as siblings, terror alert level and making fun of Ruto. Solid humorous article!

    Absolutely charming! Just imagine him doing all of that with a mask on! =b

    Whick mask?Would that be the All Night Mask, or the Gibdo mask?Meheheh, just kidding.Who’s going to be the judge to put Link away for a long time?

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Whick mask?Would that be the All Night Mask, or the Gibdo mask?Meheheh, just kidding.Who’s going to be the judge to put Link away for a long time?

    Oh my goddess! I know! Doesn’t Rauru seem like he could be some kind of judge? Rauru is trying Link, I know it! haha

    You know they can arrest Link and throw away the key but you just know that if Old Ganon/dorf were to return they would be begging him for help, and all Link has to do is say “nah not this time, ill let you guys deal with him this time while I have a nice nap in my cell”, lol.

    UltimaLuminaire said:

    Absolutely charming! Just imagine him doing all of that with a mask on! =b

    If he were smart, it would have been the Mario mask. FRAME MARIO.

    That was funny, highlight of my day!

    The Hero of Time, stopped by a badly angled fence! Link couldn’t have hid in the forest, though, the guards would just listen for Navi’s annoying voice!

    Beware, ASSA…TML may not have a catchy title, but it’s funny stuff.

    That article was hilarious, and just continues to prove how much unintentional humor lies dormant in Zelda. Stuff like this is what me and my younger brothers used to talk about.

    Good stuff, TML.

    Wahahaaaaa!!! THAT was funny!

    UltimaLuminaire said:

    Absolutely charming! Just imagine him doing all of that with a mask on! =b

    Id say the redead mask, cause then he could freeze the gaurds. Hey, mabey he could poison the water in the well, eh? :D

    TML’s article could be called, “Meta Link-*insert title here*” anyways, this stuff is good, and gets funnier the more you make them.Link shoud also be charged for beating a (spider) family, or harming giant deities (guess who?) or even causing droughts in one area and floods in another.

    VenusQueenOfFaeries said:

    If he were smart, it would have been the Mario mask. FRAME MARIO.

    Not a bad idea…*goes out to buy Mario mask*

    But yet again, TML, nice work! I haven’t stopped laughing at it since I read it! Very good humor!

    He could frame the Gorons by wearing the Goron Mask from Majoras Mask.

    BTW How can you harm the Giant Deities Hyrulian Hero?


    *Sobs* I just can’t help myself! Everytime I start a new Zelda game, I make a vow not to steal peoples’ money and break their stuff!! But is always ends up happening!! WHHHHYYYYY!!!!

    TML, you’ve taken a video game joke cliche(how in RPG’s, the hero breaks into people’s houses and steals everything he can find) and reinvented it into pure comedy gold. Three carrot speed limit? Cult of Sages? Stopped by a badly angled fence? I repeat, comedy gold.


    Hmmm.. been a while since I posted it seems that my name Evil Link is right after all.

    Remember Jabu-Jabu?Basically, hes a giant fish, treated as a deity, and you can hurt him in certain areas where the body tissues move around and bits of blood fly (sorry for being a little graphic) Link could also blame the deku scrubs.

    VenusQueenOfFaeries said:

    If he were smart, it would have been the Mario mask. FRAME MARIO.

    Bowser Jr: Been there, done that! *turns into Shadow Mario*

    Talon’s girlfriend, whoever she is (we’ll just call her Peach :P ), will probably eventually be abducted by a dinolfos. :P Link comes along wearing a Mario mask, kills dinolfos, and does whatever after rescuing Peach.

    Ah, TML…another good one. I’ve read something along those lines before, but it had more to do with how link beat up Ganondorf, etc. It was actually made to look like a newspaper article…have you seen it before? It was funny…You’re is funny, too….Ah…I love this place.

    Oh my gosh! So funny! *rolls on the ground laughing* yeyness for the Cult of Sages! :P

    Peach and Zelda, not good mixture, maybe Link should replace the pots and water the grass just to keep the theivery a secret (until they start reporting missing ruppies) and Link could also be charged for illegal parking of his horse (have Epona standing in front of Kakariko gate)

    Peach and Zelda……………[email protected][email protected]

    Told ya.Ok, I’m running out things to convict Link…I got it, but then its a little graphic for the younger ones…nah just kidding, he could be convicted to killing the Deku Tree.

    Hahahahahahaha that is hilarious. I like the part where it’s talking about him stealing the rupees in the pots, treasure chests, and grass.

    Maybe they should look at one of the old EDN satire’s that is related to this subject.It would make it tough for Link to get through, unless he uses Navi, to go inside(fairies can go through solid objects) and while they are being nagged, Link can go in, and take all (wait, we’re trying to find ways to stop Link) ah well.

    Just con Tingle into doing the crimes then Link can get all the Rupees and Tingle can go to Prision, and if he trys to tell them that Link was involved they would say that the Kings Son would NEVER steal from the people.

    Good idea.I had a better idea for a judge, Venus herself anything that lived for several hundred years would gain much wisdom.

    What about Simon Carol from American Idol/ Pop Idol, he can be pretty nasty, lol.

    We’re dealing with someone who has:murdered a tree, messed with cuccos, ran past the speed limit, broken an entering, ect. ect. ect., and you want a musical judge to put Lnik away, think about the scariest enemy out there, Link’s biggest FanGirls, well?I have to make a FanFin from this (I’m too lazy, or maybe not, mwahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa, *HACK* sorry, just a little sick)

    i dont get it…. : ( lol! nice story! although i think its stupid…. but yet nice :p