The Missing Link
As a quick aside before the metafiction*, my lawyers have obligated that I mention the following:
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This post has been known to cause cancer in laboratory Cuccos. This post may not be good for your health and contains the chemical mockery dramatica, which can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, prolonged sickness, and blindness. Please read with caution.
That said, if you’re convinced this post may be right for you, enjoy.
* Metafiction (noun) - Fiction, especially fanfiction, that physically breaks the rules and laws governing the world were the fiction takes place and transcends into the “real world” (also known as breaking the fourth wall), mixing elements from the real world and the fictional world into one. Not to be confused with A/U (alternate universe).
It was Saturday night, and the last remnants of the sunlight soon would be fading from view. It was going to be the perfect night, Link knew. Most of his friends from high school would soon be over for the end of the year party, and they were going to set off the night with a bang. Link looked through the rooms of his home, and saw that everything was in order. The food was on the table, the decorations were up, and the TV was tuned to Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.
With everything in order, and it still being fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock, Link found himself with nothing left to do. It had been a long time since that had happened considering all of the tests that had been shoved upon him in the last days of school before the break, the last-minute Christmas shopping, and the oodles of holiday meals he had been forced to attend with family. With a moment finally just to himself, Link bounded upstairs to his room and flipped on the computer, booting up with the famous Door of Time XP operating system. In a moment, Link was into his E-mail, and to his horror, what should have been the perfect night slowly began to unravel.
“‘Hey Link,’” Link said, reading the mail aloud. It was from Darunia, one of his good friends, and ironically one of only two other guys Link had bothered to invite to the party. Most of the other guys at school were boring chaps with very little to say, and they tended to repeat themselves whenever Link spoke to them, as if speaking down to Link as though he couldn’t understand. It drove Link crazy.
Link continued reading, this time in silence. “I’m writing to let you know that I can’t make it tonight. The other Link, you know, the third grader I’m mentoring in Big Gorons Big Zoras program? Well, his family invited me over for New Year’s, so I can’t make it tonight. But that’s not why I’m writing, really.
“Are you aware that the kids at school are saying things about you behind your back? None of our friends, so don’t jump to conclusions, but you know the random people in the hallways who stare at us as we pass by in the halls? It’s them. They’ve made an entire website about you… and all of us! It’s crazy! I thought I would point you to some of them. Read this one here; it’s the ‘best’ one of the lot …”
Link was horrified by the information, but it was far from what he should have felt. He followed the link to the website Darunia had mentioned, and lo and behold, the atrocity of a story about himself appeared before his eyes. There it was in the text; someone had indeed written about him, as well as several of his friends, but Link was the “star” here. Oh he was quite the star, appearing to be the role of a complete moron with a penchance for the ladies. He looked at the other links, and they went from bad to worse. In each one of the sultry fictions, Link managed to seduce this woman or that woman, sometimes failing to do so because of obvious inexperience, sometimes succeeding in achieving the only goal his mind could possibly have, to get into some girl’s pants. It made Link want to bleed at the eyes, and his stomach lurched at the accusations.
“Hello!? Li-iiiink!?” came a sing-songy voice. Link finally pulled away from the computer screen and turned to see his best friend Zelda standing in the doorway. Link looked at the clock briefly; five minutes to six, early as usual. She could always be counted on for that primness and promptness; she was always a harsh stickler to the rules of societal etiquette. It was hardly a surprise that she was wearing the clothes a businessman would wear; formality was big with her. “Here I come, expecting to find a party, and what do I find? You stuck on the computer like some nerd!” Her tone was jovial and hardly accusatory, yet it managed to get on Link’s nerves regardless, and his face darkened visibly, a fact Zelda managed to notice. “Oh c’mon, I was joking, and you should know that. Let’s head downstairs and get this party started.”
“It’s too late. The night is completely ruined.”
“Whatever are you talking about, Link? Yesterday you were so eager to have this thing, and now look…”
“Just take a look, Zel.” Link scooted over on his chair, offering Zelda half of the seat.
Zelda sighed yet took Link’s generous offer, staring at the stories that had been written about Link. She read through them silently, without uttering a word, her passiveness almost agitating. She would pass through page after page of it, finishing each without comment. Finally after finishing, she merely shrugged her shoulders. “So?”
“What do you mean, ‘So?’” Link said loudly, his anger rising. “They’re making up stories about me!”
“Whoop-de-doo. Who cares about what everyone else thinks, Link? It’s not like anyone else matters! You’re a senior in high school, for Nayru’s sake! You’re telling me you’re still worried about what the other kids think about you?”
“Then act like it.”
Thankfully, Link was saved another scolding from Zelda, for at that moment, the rest of his friends had arrived and were already noisily bounding their way up the stairs. Within moments, Ruto, Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi were all in Link’s room, oohing mockingly about Link and Zelda being in the same room together, to which Zelda gave a stiff cold shoulder.
“HEY, guys!” Navi had said in a high-pitched squeal. “So LISTEN, you two have just got to get back together and get married some day! Come on, show us a little kiss, huh huh huh?” Zelda and Link just rolled their eyes in unison and, once again, annoyed Navi’s suggestion.
Wondering what was keeping them occupied in front of the computer, Link pointed them to the stories.
“Ahahaha!” cried Ganondorf as he read them. “That is hilarious! You’re a womanizer, Link!”
“I am not a womanizer!” Link said defensively.
“Oh that’s a bunch of bull, Link!” Ganondorf said. His voice calmed down slightly, the laughter gone, but he was still visibly amused. “Almost all of your friends are girls! And you’ve dated a good several of them! Of course everyone is going to think that!”
“But it’s not tr—”
“Oh Din,” Malon suddenly muttered, her eyes glued to the screen. “I’m in here too. Look at this one.” She pointed to a new window on the screen, showing list of stories written depicting her as a selfish woman who was nearly constantly green with envy. “I’m not like this at all!” she said. “I don’t get jealous whatsoever! Especially not over Link! What are these people talking about!?”
“We’re all in here,” realised Navi, who was already reading another window that Malon had made for her. “And apparently I’m some annoying nag… and oh stars… I have a crush on Link too. I mean…” she quickly backpedalled, “here… in the story… Link… marriage… thing…” In an instant she ran out of the room and into the bathroom.
“And I’m a pompous and arrogant jerk apparently,” said Ruto in a blatant huff. “The nerve of them doing that. I’m going to tell Mumsy and Dadsy when I get home, and they’ll take care of those nasty baby-heads for me. Hmph!”
“Look here, Ganny,” Link suddenly said, almost having a good time now that other people were getting razzed on as well. Ganondorf, so far, had been paying no attention to what had been going on, still humoured over the stories about Link. However, in a moment, his ears were perched on Link’s every word. “Here’s some really bad story about you being this complete bully, bossing everyone around. He doesn’t do any of that, does he, guys?”
“You shut up!” he said, and in lightning movement, Ganondorf shoved Link off the chair to read the story. “That is a complete crock! How dare those morons write that stuff about me! They will pay for having done that… oh yes they will.”
“Honestly,” Zelda piped in once more, her voice still admonishing in tone, “I don’t see why you care. It’s complete and utter nonsense. Just blow those guys off.”
“I think you’ll think differently, princess,” Ganondorf said, “when you see that they’ve called you some transvestite male who is into guy-love. Oh man, that one just isn’t right… My eyes…”
“WHAT!?” Zelda stormed once again to the computer, reading the latest story. “For the love of Nayru, what does it matter that I dressed up for Halloween as a guy for seven years in a row!? And I don’t exactly like wearing a dress either, so who would dare have the gall to call me a boy!? That’s it, guys, we’re all going to take them down. Right now. We have names, we have a school directory… those guys are going to pay. Let’s go get them!”
“Right!” they all cried, at least everyone except Link and Malon. Suddenly, it was Zelda leading the charge, leading the lot down the stairs and out the door, as if she were guiding a host of heroes onwards to some sort of gallant quest to defeat the six monsters who had taken over their lives.
Link and Malon watched blankly as everyone else left the house in a frenzied rage. Honestly, it was New Year’s Eve, and they were supposed to be celebrating. Stunned into silence, the barely moved a muscle for the better part of a minute, still coming to grips with the grim events of the evening.
Finally, Link shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth complaining about. He looked over to Malon, a smile coming to his lips. “So… Mal… you want to go make out?”
Malon turned to Link, and a sly smile came to her lips as well. Finally, Zelda, no longer will you be able to tell me you know Link better because you went out with him a long time ago! “Okay, I’m game.”
“Well then, babe, come to Linky-bear.”
Remember kids, only you can prevent fanfiction fires.Follow This Entry