I Am Not a Womanizer!

December 21st, 2005 at 10:00 pm by The Missing Link

As a quick aside before the metafiction*, my lawyers have obligated that I mention the following:

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This post has been known to cause cancer in laboratory Cuccos. This post may not be good for your health and contains the chemical mockery dramatica, which can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, prolonged sickness, and blindness. Please read with caution.

That said, if you’re convinced this post may be right for you, enjoy.

* Metafiction (noun) - Fiction, especially fanfiction, that physically breaks the rules and laws governing the world were the fiction takes place and transcends into the “real world” (also known as breaking the fourth wall), mixing elements from the real world and the fictional world into one. Not to be confused with A/U (alternate universe).


It was Saturday night, and the last remnants of the sunlight soon would be fading from view. It was going to be the perfect night, Link knew. Most of his friends from high school would soon be over for the end of the year party, and they were going to set off the night with a bang. Link looked through the rooms of his home, and saw that everything was in order. The food was on the table, the decorations were up, and the TV was tuned to Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

With everything in order, and it still being fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock, Link found himself with nothing left to do. It had been a long time since that had happened considering all of the tests that had been shoved upon him in the last days of school before the break, the last-minute Christmas shopping, and the oodles of holiday meals he had been forced to attend with family. With a moment finally just to himself, Link bounded upstairs to his room and flipped on the computer, booting up with the famous Door of Time XP operating system. In a moment, Link was into his E-mail, and to his horror, what should have been the perfect night slowly began to unravel.

“‘Hey Link,’” Link said, reading the mail aloud. It was from Darunia, one of his good friends, and ironically one of only two other guys Link had bothered to invite to the party. Most of the other guys at school were boring chaps with very little to say, and they tended to repeat themselves whenever Link spoke to them, as if speaking down to Link as though he couldn’t understand. It drove Link crazy.

Link continued reading, this time in silence. “I’m writing to let you know that I can’t make it tonight. The other Link, you know, the third grader I’m mentoring in Big Gorons Big Zoras program? Well, his family invited me over for New Year’s, so I can’t make it tonight. But that’s not why I’m writing, really.

“Are you aware that the kids at school are saying things about you behind your back? None of our friends, so don’t jump to conclusions, but you know the random people in the hallways who stare at us as we pass by in the halls? It’s them. They’ve made an entire website about you… and all of us! It’s crazy! I thought I would point you to some of them. Read this one here; it’s the ‘best’ one of the lot …”

Link was horrified by the information, but it was far from what he should have felt. He followed the link to the website Darunia had mentioned, and lo and behold, the atrocity of a story about himself appeared before his eyes. There it was in the text; someone had indeed written about him, as well as several of his friends, but Link was the “star” here. Oh he was quite the star, appearing to be the role of a complete moron with a penchance for the ladies. He looked at the other links, and they went from bad to worse. In each one of the sultry fictions, Link managed to seduce this woman or that woman, sometimes failing to do so because of obvious inexperience, sometimes succeeding in achieving the only goal his mind could possibly have, to get into some girl’s pants. It made Link want to bleed at the eyes, and his stomach lurched at the accusations.

“Hello!? Li-iiiink!?” came a sing-songy voice. Link finally pulled away from the computer screen and turned to see his best friend Zelda standing in the doorway. Link looked at the clock briefly; five minutes to six, early as usual. She could always be counted on for that primness and promptness; she was always a harsh stickler to the rules of societal etiquette. It was hardly a surprise that she was wearing the clothes a businessman would wear; formality was big with her. “Here I come, expecting to find a party, and what do I find? You stuck on the computer like some nerd!” Her tone was jovial and hardly accusatory, yet it managed to get on Link’s nerves regardless, and his face darkened visibly, a fact Zelda managed to notice. “Oh c’mon, I was joking, and you should know that. Let’s head downstairs and get this party started.”

“It’s too late. The night is completely ruined.”

“Whatever are you talking about, Link? Yesterday you were so eager to have this thing, and now look…”

“Just take a look, Zel.” Link scooted over on his chair, offering Zelda half of the seat.

Zelda sighed yet took Link’s generous offer, staring at the stories that had been written about Link. She read through them silently, without uttering a word, her passiveness almost agitating. She would pass through page after page of it, finishing each without comment. Finally after finishing, she merely shrugged her shoulders. “So?”

“What do you mean, ‘So?’” Link said loudly, his anger rising. “They’re making up stories about me!”

“Whoop-de-doo. Who cares about what everyone else thinks, Link? It’s not like anyone else matters! You’re a senior in high school, for Nayru’s sake! You’re telling me you’re still worried about what the other kids think about you?”


“Then act like it.”

“But, but…”

Thankfully, Link was saved another scolding from Zelda, for at that moment, the rest of his friends had arrived and were already noisily bounding their way up the stairs. Within moments, Ruto, Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi were all in Link’s room, oohing mockingly about Link and Zelda being in the same room together, to which Zelda gave a stiff cold shoulder.

“HEY, guys!” Navi had said in a high-pitched squeal. “So LISTEN, you two have just got to get back together and get married some day! Come on, show us a little kiss, huh huh huh?” Zelda and Link just rolled their eyes in unison and, once again, annoyed Navi’s suggestion.

Wondering what was keeping them occupied in front of the computer, Link pointed them to the stories.

“Ahahaha!” cried Ganondorf as he read them. “That is hilarious! You’re a womanizer, Link!”

“I am not a womanizer!” Link said defensively.

“Oh that’s a bunch of bull, Link!” Ganondorf said. His voice calmed down slightly, the laughter gone, but he was still visibly amused. “Almost all of your friends are girls! And you’ve dated a good several of them! Of course everyone is going to think that!”

“But it’s not tr—”

“Oh Din,” Malon suddenly muttered, her eyes glued to the screen. “I’m in here too. Look at this one.” She pointed to a new window on the screen, showing list of stories written depicting her as a selfish woman who was nearly constantly green with envy. “I’m not like this at all!” she said. “I don’t get jealous whatsoever! Especially not over Link! What are these people talking about!?”

“We’re all in here,” realised Navi, who was already reading another window that Malon had made for her. “And apparently I’m some annoying nag… and oh stars… I have a crush on Link too. I mean…” she quickly backpedalled, “here… in the story… Link… marriage… thing…” In an instant she ran out of the room and into the bathroom.

“And I’m a pompous and arrogant jerk apparently,” said Ruto in a blatant huff. “The nerve of them doing that. I’m going to tell Mumsy and Dadsy when I get home, and they’ll take care of those nasty baby-heads for me. Hmph!”

“Look here, Ganny,” Link suddenly said, almost having a good time now that other people were getting razzed on as well. Ganondorf, so far, had been paying no attention to what had been going on, still humoured over the stories about Link. However, in a moment, his ears were perched on Link’s every word. “Here’s some really bad story about you being this complete bully, bossing everyone around. He doesn’t do any of that, does he, guys?”

“You shut up!” he said, and in lightning movement, Ganondorf shoved Link off the chair to read the story. “That is a complete crock! How dare those morons write that stuff about me! They will pay for having done that… oh yes they will.”

“Honestly,” Zelda piped in once more, her voice still admonishing in tone, “I don’t see why you care. It’s complete and utter nonsense. Just blow those guys off.”

“I think you’ll think differently, princess,” Ganondorf said, “when you see that they’ve called you some transvestite male who is into guy-love. Oh man, that one just isn’t right… My eyes…”

“WHAT!?” Zelda stormed once again to the computer, reading the latest story. “For the love of Nayru, what does it matter that I dressed up for Halloween as a guy for seven years in a row!? And I don’t exactly like wearing a dress either, so who would dare have the gall to call me a boy!? That’s it, guys, we’re all going to take them down. Right now. We have names, we have a school directory… those guys are going to pay. Let’s go get them!”

“Right!” they all cried, at least everyone except Link and Malon. Suddenly, it was Zelda leading the charge, leading the lot down the stairs and out the door, as if she were guiding a host of heroes onwards to some sort of gallant quest to defeat the six monsters who had taken over their lives.

Link and Malon watched blankly as everyone else left the house in a frenzied rage. Honestly, it was New Year’s Eve, and they were supposed to be celebrating. Stunned into silence, the barely moved a muscle for the better part of a minute, still coming to grips with the grim events of the evening.

Finally, Link shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth complaining about. He looked over to Malon, a smile coming to his lips. “So… Mal… you want to go make out?”

Malon turned to Link, and a sly smile came to her lips as well. Finally, Zelda, no longer will you be able to tell me you know Link better because you went out with him a long time ago! “Okay, I’m game.”

“Well then, babe, come to Linky-bear.”


Remember kids, only you can prevent fanfiction fires.

Filed under Fanstuff, Ocarina of Time, Metafiction

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39 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “I Am Not a Womanizer!”


    *punches TML*

    Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. ;) Linky-bear.

    TML, you are a genius. Pure, pure, genius. You mocked fan fictions USING a fan fiction ABOUT fan fictions. I love you.

    …what? You know what I mean.

    Amazing. This is pure gold…but linky-bear…that was uncalled for. Next time you should mock zelda fans by using zelda characters in a zelda website. Ha,ha!

    “Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.”

    Proof that that is the ONLY show anyone should ever watch on New Year’s Eve. :::firm nod:::

    I… I mean, well, um… wow… ahhh, TML way to stick it to uhhh, everyone?

    TML your just one of the greatest fan fic writers out there the way you put that all together that is just the work of a great author.

    That is utter awesomeness.

    MAN TML instead of writeing fan-fictions you should be writing books but that was a genious attack on fan-fictions there bub, just one thing STOP MAKEING ME FEEL BAD I cant write stories to save my life and you seem to do it effortlessly you lousy *Navi* lol.

    Btw NEVER,EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER say Linky-Bear AGAIN, I mean it dont make me send Tingle after you.

    Ummmm……. lol?

    Hey, TML, I know you’ve heard this many times before, but you’re brilliant. You’re an incredible writer, and that whole article was pure genius, and painfully true.

    I love writing personally, but I enjoy keeping it to myself. And really, the greater majority of those who submit fanfics should do the same.

    Are you kiddin’?! Yeah, I like to write too but I like to share my work. Now, I could see why you would say that people shoud keep it to themselves but that’s only because the majority is filled with…umm…unexperienced writers that just have fun writing stupid little stories. They don’t try, that’s the problem, to write serious stories. They just rant and spit out anything but it’s a free country, right? Sorry for my ranting but I just had to say that.


    hey can I use that in…umm….something………lol…..No I’m kidding. Well it’s better than being called Linky-poo. Yeah everybody duck and cover, I’ve only heard that once and I can’t remember where, feel free to use that, lol. Good job TML.

    you said Linky-bear… Oh dear God.

    Anyway, that was awesome! I hate Zelda fan fics for that precise reason! And i am actually writing one, but nothing like that… It’s nowhere near finished, though. It actually HAS a plot.

    PS i hate slash.

    *smirk* This was quite entertaining, TML. Funny stuff ;0


    and the aeard for stiking it to enery one goes to TML

    One:I wrote a Zel FanFic from the classical Christmas story, The Christmas Carol.It has a plot, the original made the water sorta…polluted, but its still good.
    Two:TML, WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOOD,TAINTED!!!That was a good fanfic, what happened?
    Three: Linky-bear?I expected something like that from Princess Pain-In-The-Butt (Ruto)

    Well, at least I’m not facing everyone coming after me for saying that I was picking on their OMG favourite fanfiction! :D

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    Two:TML, WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOOD,TAINTED!!!That was a good fanfic, what happened?

    It’s still in progress. I’ve got a lot more done than I’ve shown the world (I’m actually halfway through Chapter Five), but I haven’t had a chance to write much ever since I got my kittens, especially with December being my birthday and Christmas chaos. ;) Don’t worry, I hope to hit it hard come the New Year.

    Wow that was awesome, especially the last part…. minus the Linky-bear comment. A Ranchshipper am I. Anywho, no that really was great metafiction, quite entertaining and poignant as well.

    Steve Racer

    I’ll admit it. I have (tried) to write a romantic Zelda fan-fic. But anyway, this earns the Gold Rupee award. Funny as hell. Well written. Did I already say funny? You get the point.

    *Applauds* That, TML, was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. You’re a great writer, and man, that was just art of beauty up there. KUDOS!

    speaking of fanfictions, Where has Dark Link of TGA gotten too? it is by far my favorite zelda related fan-fic. (Next to the book of Mudora, of course.)

    Ah the people have spoken and aparently TML rules, lol

    Master of volvagia said:

    speaking of fanfictions, Where has Dark Link of TGA gotten too? it is by far my favorite zelda related fan-fic. (Next to the book of Mudora, of course.)

    She’s still out there. I think school caught up with her though, and that’s causing the huge delay.

    Tis a great shame, I was really looking forward to a zelda related christmas gift this year, first it was TP, then Louisa of indie zelda getting back on her feet, (I hope she’s alright, btw)and finally, more of Eloze. Oh well, there’s always next year I suppose…

    The Missing Link said:

    She’s still out there. I think school caught up with her though, and that’s causing the huge delay.

    DARK LINK’S A “SHE”!!!I didn’t know.Don’t pull on that “You never asked” on me or I’ll give all of your guys coal (and crappy cupcakes the shape of Tingle’s head)

    as we say around gamefaqs, XD

    those fan fictions reminded me alot of “diamond in the rough” romantic zelda forums woot!

    Hyrulian Hero said:

    DARK LINK’S A “SHE”!!! I didn’t know.Don’t pull on that “You never asked” on me or I’ll give all of your guys coal (and crappy cupcakes the shape of Tingle’s head)

    You never asked. ;)

    Bring on the coal and crappy cupcakes…..I’ll seriously let no cupcake live! Especially if they’re shaped like Tingle’s head.

    I’ve long thought the likes of TML, Masamune, and for that matter, Dark Link, untouchable demigods, who allow me to grace their website with my unholy presence (TGA was the first Zelda-related site I found, back before Eloze was even on it. So I suppose I’m a little bias.) But this wonderful Blog site has given me the courage to ask a direct question, one that has been dying to get answered for quite some time.

    TGA has many fanfics submitted to it, but Eloze has earned a special place on the site. Now, I was prevented from viewing TGA for quite some time, (stopped when TML had finished the OoT part of Mudora, and came back when Dark Link had done about two chapters of Eloze) and was wondering what earned Eloze a special place next to Mudora in the site’s library.

    I hope no one finds this question to be rude, but I’ve always wanted to know…

    I tasted Tingle’s Cupcakes once Hyrulian Hero and I almost died of food poisioning, lousy Tingle.

    I made these *passes cupcake to everyone* since its Christmas Eve, it fruitcake flavored.No milk.And when you guys get up and put some fresh socks on, you’ll find coal *evil laugh, then cough after three seconds*I said don’t pull the “You never asked” Thing.Why don’t anyone listen to me?And whats with the sudden change from normal fiction to metafiction TML?

    You know TML he likes to keep everyone on their toes, lol

    Forgive me Robert *punches Robert* TML, why write something like this?Did you just feel like It?Forgive me, its funny and all, but I’m interested in why you made something like this *uses the Magic gem (TWW) to shield self*

    WHAT THE *NAVI* why did you punch me Hyrulian Hero, IS HH feeling a little upset because TML wrote a cool and funny topic… well just get typing and make a better one guv’ner, later old been lol.

    BTW has anyone noticed the simularity between Father Christmas (Santa Clause incase you are American, lol) and Tingle?

    It’s amazingly ironic… The characters in the story are reading stories about themselves, each of those other stories telling about how those characters are, and those characters, in angry rage, prove those stories true by a few simple actions. Ah…it’s like a bad soap opera… I hate soap operas. ¬_¬

    By the way, lovely job, TML… But still, I find it a bit lacking. Zelda should have been dressed as Sheik. Heh. But, nice job. And by the way….what happened to Nabooru and Saira?

    I said forgive me, I just needed to punch something (and Tingle wasn’t in the area) and it is ironic…wait, Zelda isn’t…umm…a guy, what does that make it ironic, eh?

    It scary when Zelda get angry. But I always thought that Sheik was a boy from the beggining and Zelda was magicaly fused with him to protect her? I may be wrong but he or she is still my fave character next to Link.

    *Snickers* Linky-bear

    That was really innaproprtiate but i liked it anyway do somthing lik that agin!

    That was really innaproprtiate but i liked it anyway do somthing lik that agin! :D