ZeldaBlog

A.S.S.A - Linkwhopin’

December 16th, 2005 at 2:24 am by Darth Citrus

There has to come a point in time where you don’t just get beat, you get really beat. I’m talking about the same ol’ scenario playing over and over again. Subject A (Usually the Hero) goes on a quest, and after X amount of time beats down Subject B (Usually the Villain)

Such is the case with the Legend of Zelda series. Our good old Subject A (Link, for those of you who can’t figure it out) always manages to save Hyrule while putting the hurt on our friend Subject B (Ganon/Ganondorf).

Of course this kind of thing has to wear down our villain. You can’t just keep losing every single time. Something will eventually break be it mentally or physically. Every time the poor Gerudo tries to take over Hyrule, Link arrives once again to deliver what I have decided to call, a Linkwhopin’

And thus, welcome to another Somewhat Serious Article. If you haven’t figured out what this edition is about, you deserve a LINKWHOPIN’

First off, I know this is going to be repeated somehow. So lets get it straight. Its pronounced “Link –whh(wh sound as in “wh”at) – pin”
Not “whooping” or “whipping”. “Link – whh – pin”. Got it? Good.

Linkwhopin’ is the term for when Link completely owns someone or something. This usually results in messing up Ganon’s plans, and winding up killing/locking away/banishing/rekilling etc etc Ganon in the end.

Now we as fans have been conditioned to rejoice when Hyrule is safe once more. Overlooking the fact that it will only to be in peril again when the next game comes out. Nevertheless you can’t help but feel sorry for all the Linkwhopin’s Ganon has had to go through.

Legend of Zelda
Link is called a “Skillful Lad” in the manual. So therefore he has to be pretty young. And nothing feels worse than getting owned by a ten year old. First incident of a Linkwhopin’.

Adventure of Link
Ganon technically isn’t in the game at all. But Link still decides to kill all his faithful minions incase he does show up again. That’s gotta be a Linkwhopin’ right there.

A Link to the Past
This has to be the most embarrassing Linkwhopin’ of them all. First off, Ganon is in his huge pig form. Second, Link is just a young adult that’s never fought a battle before. Lastly, Ganon had the WHOLE freaking Triforce. You know, like the complete wishing power thing. I don’t know about you, but I think after achieving your life’s goal and then getting it taken from you just like that. That’s a Linkwhopin’.

Link’s Awakening
The poor guy can’t even get away from Link as a nightmare. Of course Link not only gave Ganon a Linkwhopin’, but the whole island as well.

Ocarina of Time
This one wasn’t as bad a Linkwhopin’. Link was 17, he had help from the sages, and really his minions were useless. In retrospect though, he could have played it a bit smarter as outlined by TML here.

Majora’s Mask
Ganon wasn’t in this one, but it doesn’t matter, cause pretty much anything Link does in his quest results in a Linkwhopin’ of some kind.

Oracle Series
I’ve put these two together because you need to play both to reach Ganon. Those of you who don’t know the ending of this Linkwhopin’ yet, skip to the next game.

Anyway, right after Ganon’s revived by Twinrova, he immediately receives a Linkwhopin’ and gets sent back to where he came from. Kind of sucks.

Four Swords, Four Swords Adventure, The Minish Cap
I’ve never played the Four Sword games but I have played TMC. But I do know that they all have Vaati in them. Following a simple line of logic: Link fights Vaati. Vaati is a villain. Ganon is a villain. Hence Ganon once again gets a Linkwhopin’.

The Wind Waker
The Phantom Ganon’s get a Linkwhopin’, The Puppet Ganon gets a Linkwhopin’, Forsaken Fortress gets a Linkwhopin’, Hyrule gets a Linkwhopin’ and finally Ganondorf gets a Linkwhopin’. Again, may I add, by a child.

Oh and for those of you who didn’t know about that, I suggest you immediately forget what you just read.

Twilight Princess
Now we don’t even know what role Ganon even plays in this game. But let’s give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he gets the mother of all Linkwhopin’s

Now that’s quite a lot for one guy to take. Think how much it would blow to have some kid with the same name, foil your plans over and over while saving a princess that has the same name EVERY *NAVING* TIME YOU TRY AND TAKE OVER HYRULE! I don’t know about you, but if I wasn’t insane at that point, I would at least take up knitting or something just to break the monotony.

Point? The poor guy has had so many Linkwhopin’s I think he deserves a break. He could write his whole autobiography around this.

The Best Autobiography in the World

So the next time you’re playing through Ocarina of Time, don’t gloat when you lock Ganondorf away. Instead feel a little sorry for the guy. Apologize to the TV even. Just remember what you learned here today about Linkwhopin’s. Things that you learned, in A Somewhat Serious Article.

Filed under Games, Humor, A.S.S.A.

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Aside from rather liberal uses of mathematical formulas, I must say, a very valid point. But then again, I loved given Ganon the good old Linkwhopin’ with only three hearts in OoT. Good times all around.

Well I used physics in my other A.S.S.A. I might as well use algebra in this one. :D

Therefore, without loss of generality, given that A = Link, B = Ganondorf, and X = Link’s objective, regardless of specificity, it must follow that the presumed equation is true for all X. Therefore and thusly, Ganon’s getting a Linkwhopin’ next game. Q.E.D.

And if you understand that, then you have a lot of imagination.

(See Darth, you should be pullin’ stuff like this, just to give you the proper faux-academic feng shui. ;) )

I will NEVER EVER feel sorry for old Ganon/dorf, he deserves every Linkwhopin’ he gets from Link (well he did sort of destroy Hyrule in Wind Waker… in a way) and I look forward to the day when I play TWP and meet up with old Ganon/dorf for his next deserved Linkwhopin’ oh boy am I gonna enjoy it XD

BTW Tingle and his inbred family deserve a Linkwhopin’ too

Ganon and Tinlge deserve a Linkwhopin’, but what I read on some other site, that Ganondorf was possibly a good person.Acoording to OoT legend, Ganondorf’s Parents (possibly just his mother) were killed by the Gerudo Wicthes, and Ganondorf was used as a vessel for Mandrag Ganon.while secretly learning the dark arts, Ganondorf rose to be a good leader, until he was tempted by the Triforce, and became completely evil.Then was defeated when he became Ganon, and both became separate from each other, but still mentally Linked, that’s how he came up with the form for Puppet Ganon.Then (those that never played FSA, QUIT READING UNTIL I SAY SO) in FSA, Ganondorf was reborn and a gerudo, but he was naturally tainted, and using dark arts again to use his own body as a vessel for Ganon, he took the Dark Mirror, and the Ancient Gerudo Trident, and used these weapons to become Ganon, by using Shadow Link, and Vaati, he rose to power, but the Four Links defeated him, and this time, Ganondorf is dead for good.(ok, all people can read again)So, what do you guys think?

Ganondorf didn’t die in the fsa he just got the *navi* beaten out of him. And I think it’s about time that Link gets a Ganonwhopin.
If you aren’t happy about what I just said watch this fan made Zelda mock up movie www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/105053

Yea,that is true. I cant wait till the tp is released, so i can see how this VERY POOR man gets his “Navi” kicked again. Ganondorf is such a dork, he needs some help.Not a Linkwhopin’ from link (and us plus Zelda) but some mental help. Y do u think he has all those minions. He sadly has no friends.Poor man (ugly creature), too bad everyone else and i of course dont give.

There are times when I pity the guy. Sometimes I give Link a Ganonwhoping on SSBM. See Ganny? You’re not the most hated guy in the universe. Tingle is.

I love giving every one in ssbm a ganonwhopin including tingle in greatbay.

tp is gunna be awsome! mabey this time, gannondork wont get a linkwhpn. hell get a wolfwhpn along with his new partner. but personnaly, i like gannondorf better than any other villan such as bowser, ridley, or andross. he just seems more evil, and seriouse about his job of overthrowing hyrule. hang in there gannondorf… your still my favorite villan..

oh, ya, I team up with zelda in ssbm, and Give ganon a lv.9 and a handicap9, and I STILL beat him. Talk about a linkwhopping.

Dude, I totally agree that the greatest Linkwhopin’ had to be ALttP!
Now, I WOULD feel some remorse for the Gerudo if he weren’t a wicked Dark Lord, holding a piece of or (in one case) the entire Triforce, boasted with world-destroying magic. Being someone of that power yet getting crushed time and time again seems too pansyish for me to pity. Call me cold hearted, but you’d think, considering his strength, he’d score a win by now…but alas, no.

LOL, DC!!

And I just started playing OoT today, so when I beat Ganon i shall say, “now, THAT’S a Linkwhopin!!” and then i shall apologize… with my fingers crossed behind my back!! ;)

“I’m just a mask for Din’s Sake”!?!?! (If you’re confused see the Ganondorf autobiography cover,) Priceless… I never could quite get over that. All that work…to give a Linkwhopin’ to a mask. How terribly sad. On a slightly similar note, I loved the autobiography cover screen tip too.

  • 16. JC says:

Sad thing is that Citrus is right. Ganondorf is lame. :-p

Linkwhoopin’s are all too common. It’s not really fun to beat Ganon in any Zelda games that are around. You beat one Ganon, you beat ‘em all.

Though, that book cover is pretty funny. XD

-JC

Old Ganon/dorf deserves a Zeldawhopin’

Darth Citrus, I have to commend you. Your articles are always well thought-out and imaginative, and I have never read an article of yours that has not left me on the floor in hysterics. The best part about this article is the book cover at the end-I thought that was very clever and very well done, not to mention halarious!

Good job, Darth! You’ve done it again!

Legendary_Blade said:

Dude, I totally agree that the greatest Linkwhopin’ had to be ALttP!
Now, I WOULD feel some remorse for the Gerudo if he weren’t a wicked Dark Lord, holding a piece of or (in one case) the entire Triforce, boasted with world-destroying magic. Being someone of that power yet getting crushed time and time again seems too pansyish for me to pity. Call me cold hearted, but you’d think, considering his strength, he’d score a win by now…but alas, no.

He had the best chance to wish for anything in the world, and still gets his *NAVI* kicked.

Robert-UK said:

Old Ganon/dorf deserves a Zeldawhopin’

Amen Robert!

Or for the umtimate humiliation a Tinglewhopin’ lol

*has a Tinlge voodoo doll* In SSBM you can give Tingle a Linkwhopin’, and even ride his ballon.Now that’s entertainment.And off the subject, what happened to the last ASSA, its suddenly a dead subject?We nearly hit 100 posts.

Through out the Zelda series, Ganon has had many a Linkwhopin’. You must feel sorry for the poor chap. Anyway, you all said that LttP was the most embarrising defeat in the history of Zelda. I must disagree. TWW was, in my opinion, the most embarissing defeat. He had the whole triforce, right in front of him mind you, and before he even touched it, the King poofed out of nowhere and wished first. That would emotinaly scar anyone for the rest of their (short, in Ganondorf’s case) life. To make the situation worse, he got the *Navi* kicked out of him by two twelve year olds. This is my argument for this ‘Somewhat Serious Artical’.

Congrats to Punk Princess Tetra, for proving that is really embarrassing.His surrogant parents were also embarrassed when they were defeated, they were mentioning their ages and fought in front of millions of veiwers (the Minish, they weren’t really in the game, but its fun to imagine) but their screaming still echoes in my brain.

Punk Princess Tetra said:

Through out the Zelda series, Ganon has had many a Linkwhopin’. You must feel sorry for the poor chap. Anyway, you all said that LttP was the most embarrising defeat in the history of Zelda. I must disagree. TWW was, in my opinion, the most embarissing defeat. He had the whole triforce, right in front of him mind you, and before he even touched it, the King poofed out of nowhere and wished first. That would emotinaly scar anyone for the rest of their (short, in Ganondorf’s case) life. To make the situation worse, he got the *Navi* kicked out of him by two twelve year olds. This is my argument for this ‘Somewhat Serious Artical’.

I did consider that too. Hence you can see why I choose the title I did for the autobiography. However the reason I choose LTTP was that Ganon ALREADY had the whole triforce. So you’d think he’d wish to be the perminent ruler of Hyrule or something. Instead he never truely takes over Hyrule and he lost the Triforce. Thats where I come from on that.

But yes, TWW is indeed a Linkwhopin’ to remember.

How ironic… This is so true, so sad, and so freakin’ hilarious!

Next time they lock old Ganon/dorf in the Evil Realm they should throw Tingle and his freakey family in as well… oh and Knuckel too.

It is sad when you stop to think of just how lame Ganondorf is in battle.

If it isn’t blasphemy, I would like to mention that Sephiroth would kick Ganondorf’s *navi*

Makes you wonder why this guy has so much staying power. He’s a good character, but heck, there’s only so much good character can do for you in battle.

Great job, DC, that was hilarious.

Yeah they need to make Ganondorf REALLY evil again, in OOT and FF7 I really fealt motivated to defeat both Sephiroth & old Ganon/dorf because part of me wanted revenge on Sephiroth for Aeris death (to this day it is the only game that made me cry, lol) and revenge on old Ganon/dorf for what he had done to Hyrule and the Deku Tree.

REVENGE FOR DEKU TREE!!!Sorry, but I have to manage the power of boomerangs into something that can be carried in our pockets (since the Destroyer of Worlds ASSA, the airports in Hyrule are banning boomerangs) Then we can go against Ganon and Sephiroth (I never played FF7, but I have Kingdom Hearts) then we can deliver more *insert-name-here*whopin’s.

On a side note:Ganondorf, Veran, and General Onox were innocent pawns in Ganon’s battles, And Vaati deserves Linkwhopin’ because he tried to suck the lifeforce outta Zelda.Majora also deserves a Linkwhopin’ because he tried to smash one of Hylia’s (the planet that Link supposedly lives on) Moons into the planet.I’d watch the cucco’s if I were you, and Tingle too, who knows what he wants with all that money and force gems.

Darth Citrus said:

Punk Princess Tetra said:

Through out the Zelda series, Ganon has had many a Linkwhopin’. You must feel sorry for the poor chap. Anyway, you all said that LttP was the most embarrising defeat in the history of Zelda. I must disagree. TWW was, in my opinion, the most embarissing defeat. He had the whole triforce, right in front of him mind you, and before he even touched it, the King poofed out of nowhere and wished first. That would emotinaly scar anyone for the rest of their (short, in Ganondorf’s case) life. To make the situation worse, he got the *Navi* kicked out of him by two twelve year olds. This is my argument for this ‘Somewhat Serious Artical’.

Darth Citrus said:
I did consider that too. Hence you can see why I choose the title I did for the autobiography. However the reason I choose LTTP was that Ganon ALREADY had the whole triforce. So you’d think he’d wish to be the perminent ruler of Hyrule or something. Instead he never truely takes over Hyrule and he lost the Triforce. Thats where I come from on that.

But yes, TWW is indeed a Linkwhopin’ to remember.

That is true, but he had the whole freakin’ Triforce right there in front of him! He was in shock the whole time the king was talking! One of his biggest, if not THE biggest blunder in the whole series, besids letting Link live when they ‘fought’ in the Forsaken Fortress. So I think I’ll stand behind my argument.

Who is more powerful Old Ganon/dorf of Majora?

  • 33. Filo says:

Gano was just the typical arrogant evil corrupted idiot that every single other game features. I never had any kind of sympathy for him until Wind Waker. Not even then until the very end, when he’s being decadent. I mean, who wants to be the King of a dirty, tiny, desert kingdom where sand gets into everything and you’re always sweating or freezing your hind off and no one appreciates you? It’s not until he’s really old that he even starts looking back at his past. At that point I sense that Ganon regrets having been born evil. To go along with this, he’s getting soft. He initially doesn’t even want to kill Zelda and the Hero. I think he’s going senile, the man at least. He didn’t transform into the pig in Wind Waker. I think there is some grounds for seperating Ganon/dorf the Man from Ganon/dorf the Beast, and that the latter is pure evil while the former is simply corrupted.

Like I said earlier, Ganondorf was used to bring Mandrag Ganon back, and these two became separate upon Ganon’s first defeat by Link.The Human (Ganondorf Dragmire) was stuck in the void between dimensions, while the Beast (Mandrag Ganon) was completely locked in the Golden Land, but with only the residue of the ToP lleft in him, allowing him to taint the Golden Lands, turning it into the Dark World.Ganondorf still had the ToP, and used it to escape, and was finally taken down in WW, where he had the Master Sword lodged in his stone skull (talk about body piercing) until the sword was taken out (the remain are now scattered in the winds) and given a better place to rest once Hyrule was drained of its fresh water ocean, and stayed there until ALttP Link came to defeat Ganon and his alter ego (Aghanim, I think I spelt that wrong) with it.Am I clear or what?

FSA = Linkwhopin’ * 4

Well King Hyrule may not have physically touched Old Ganon/dorf in WW but he still gave him a KingWhopin’, lol

BTW who else was annoyed by the fact that you couldnt go inside Hyrule Castle in Ocarina of Time?

Right here, the Castle is one of the coolest places, AND IT AIN’T FAIR!!!*sobs**becomes normal again* sorry.But then again, we go in 6 other ancient castles infested with monsters.

Yeah true but…THIS IS THE FREAKIN HYRULE CASTLE WERE TALKING ABOUT HERE, its a Crime an outrage how could they deny us?

Chill out Robert, just let out all the tears, and rant to yourself in an e-mail.If not, got Robertwhopin’ on Tingle.

yeah we want to go inside the castle…..walk on that red carpet and…..sit down on the king’s throne…….and play keep away with the guards helmets and……go into Zelda’s room, jump on her bed, look into that giant oval mirror she keeps in there and….go through her stuff to see where she keeps her diary….where she writes about Link every day….and walk through the kitchen and dinning rooms…..walk through the dungeon where they keep prisoners…..Yeah that’s what we’ve all wanted to do that….at one time or another.

WOW Spikerman is on a whole different level, lol.

Going through other peoples’ stuff, Spikerman?*holds up spikerman’s diary* want it back?Also, after this post, 7 more posts ’til the 50th post award (prize, its a baby wolfos) get-a-posting (except you Robert, you got two in a row, chill out)

Robert-UK said:

BTW who else was annoyed by the fact that you couldnt go inside Hyrule Castle in Ocarina of Time?

Well I was giving a more detailed look inside Hyrule castle…..And some ideas of stuff to do in there………Ok so going through Zelda’s stuff isn’t number 1 on my list……Still it would be funny.

But I WANT the Baby Wolfos, hmpf just for that im going to make SURE that I get the 50th post Hyrulian Hero, lol.

*Santa Claus comes in* HO HO HO!Merry Christmas.Since Hyrulian Hero is being stingy, i’ll give everyone wolfos cubs *pulls out a large kennel of baby wolfos from his bag* one for everyone except Hyrulian Hero.*goes up the chimney*
*HH comes in* where did all these woodland wolfos pups come from?So much for the 50th Post prize.I know, a Minish colony!

I have a little Minish colony (its just like an Ant colony) I keep it in my bedroom and I burn them on Summer days with my Magnifying Glass, lol

Fine, Then this is the only one of its kind (we need to stop spamming the site) a LoZ wallet, when you run out of arrows, the ruppees turn into your next arrow.
back to subject:We need to show NoJ the ZeldaBlogwhopin’, so we can:
get inside the castle in OoT
Get smaller wallets (and less rare ruppees)
banks
and Ruto repellent

Awww come on Hyrulian Hero little Ruto is a sweetheart… really.

50th Post. :P (Sorry Robert-UK)

BTW, I did consider writting about Linkwhopin’s on other people. But that would have cheapened amazing autobiography cover. :D

NOOOOOOOOO it was meant to be mine *performs Robertwhopin’ on Darth Citrus* the next one will be mine.

Ah stop it Robert, *baby-talks* I’ll give yo something special…Zora atracctant (stay away from zoran territories during fall, I was a zora expert back in the old days on the laptop) and DC wins a “Legend of Zelda” (game one) Wallet. now I think there is a limit of posting (DC, your ASSA-The Ultimate Zelda Movie, stooped at my post, and it was the 88th post for the subject, and we can’t post anymore) I’m posibly changing the Triforce Trophy.

Hmmm Zora atracctant sounds good, I always did like the grown up version of Princess Ruto, lol.

Yeah…that is true. And somethimes i fill sorry for Ganon.