ZeldaBlog

A Letter to the Evil One

December 11th, 2005 at 4:37 pm by The Missing Link

Ganondorf Dragmire
247 Gates of the Void Parkway, Apartment 3D
Evil Realm, Hyrule(?) 12345

Dear Sir,

After studying the many legends of our past at length, I have determined that, despite the many times you have been “killed” by Link over the years, the chances that you are still living are quite high; your audacity to break seals created by the Sages, your resurrections from the dead, and your faithful followers willing to heed your beck and call from beyond the void have given me faith that, instead of being dead as everyone expects, I have a hunch that you are merely biding your time, ready and eager to come back to Hyrule when everyone least expects it. As such, I am taking the chance that you will get this letter, and I am sending it to your last known address, hoping that you have not moved since the last time you were banished from Hyrule.

I have come to the conclusion that your villainy skills, while admirable, are in serious need of education. In short, you stink at being a bad guy. Perhaps it is your record that gives it away, for if I am not correct, your bouts with Link—or at least the multiple variants and descendents thereof—have left you with six defeats and zero victories, which is a horrendous record no matter how you slice the dice. Granted, your colleagues who have also challenged Link are no better, but your failures have been some of the most prominent failures I have read about in history.

It is because of this that I wish to invite you to the University of Evil next semester in order to re-educate yourself in the ways of evil deeds and to regain your licensure as an evil villain in preperation for your next evil ploy, which I have heard rumoured to be codenamed Twilight Princess. As you know, the president of the Villains Union Local 42 here rescinded your license as a villain this past August, and I think that this invitation would be perfect for your needs in order to quickly ascertain the certification and testing to rejoin the VU, which otherwise will not let you overrun Hyrule if you are not a member.

In order to sway your opinion to join our prestigious university, we have provided a free assessment of your permanent record kept by the VU in order to evaluate the mistakes you made that led to your termination, and we hope that this constructive criticism by our faculty will provide you with the evidence you need to that the University of Evil is one of the best evil acadamies in the world.

We have found the following faults in many, if not all, of your plans:

  • Too Much Faith in Minions: After analysing your record, we’ve determined that your minions, including your most loyal so-called “boss minions” are unable to stop potential heroes in their tracks. The enemies you send at Link have overt weaknesses that can be (and are) taken advantage of in combat. We suggest that principle that “a job worth doing well is a job worth doing yourself.” Instead of letting a hero build up weapons, life, and magic, go take him out at the beginning of the quest. If you don’t know who the hero is, as pertains to your rival Link, killing off the first-born child of everyone in Hyrule might not be an idea; plus, it might give you a boatload of evil points which can be used at the Evil Store to buy new abilities!
  • Don’t Upset the Fairy Population: Let’s face it, your archnemesis has allies. That is undisputable and is bound to be insurmountable. However, what you can do is take away his most powerful allies. Records about Hyrule state that the fairies, especially the Great Fairies, give Link a great amount of help not only in combat but in realising his true potential. Being that you get the Triforce about once every major quest, you could always use your wish to generate a large amount of rupees with which to pay off their entire race and, quite possibly, work for you.
  • Kill instead of Kidnap: While there is a lot of feng shui in kidnapping princesses and holding them hostage, practically it serves no purpose than to energise the hero into saving her sorry soul. Sure, it’s bait, but it gives heroes drive, and the last thing you want to fight is a determined foe. Instead, hit them where it hurts hardest: demoralisation. Just go ahead and kill the princess instead of taking her prisoner, or better yet turn her into a minion to work for you; either way, though it might cause the hero to wish to avenge her death, at the same time they’ll already have a piece of their insides dead, and that will only play into your hand.
  • Do Not Let Heroes Run around Unabated: Many times, you’ve found this hero character and let him live only because you think he might serve some interesting purpose later in life. Resist the urge to let him go in order for them to lead you to something of interest. Once you’re the Evil Lord, you have all the time in the world to accomplish your necessary tasks, but heroes grow up into something more powerful, and that’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.
  • Failure to Control Artifacts of Power: This is perhaps the most grave of all mistakes you could possibly make. Whatever you think security is, it is clearly not collecting all the items that can be used to kill yourself and your minions and laying them out in the hero’s path, even if they are hard to get to. The worst possible location to hide these are in the dungeons where they are required to get through the dungeon or defeat your boss minion. If at all possible, these items should be personally destroyed to guarantee that they cannot be used against you; if this cannot be done, hoard them all in your personal treasure stash in the most protected part of your domain, especially the part which cannot be accessed until other conditions, especially the defeating of your boss minions (which said items are needed to defeat them), are met. Protect at all costs.

We hope you have appreciated this free service, and we look forward to hearing from you and providing you a chance to re-educate yourself in the latest theories in villainy. If you would like to register for classes, please call 1-877-GET-EVIL or send us an E-mail at [email protected] Until then, enjoy your time in the Evil Realm, biding your time until the seal upon you wanes sufficiently so that it can be broken.

Sincerely,

David Hartman
Provost, University of Evil

Filed under Games, Humor, Metafiction

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60 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “A Letter to the Evil One”

    Comments

    This would not look at all out of place on BotU. Is there something you aren’t telling me David? >] Brilliant.

    Hahaha. I’ve seen things similar to this(including the idea of a School of Evil), but that was well written. Bravo lol.

    I’ve been waiting for my invite to the school…

    BotU members would be PROUD! You made me smile today David :)

    give ganny some slak what abot bowser he suks more

    It’s a ZELDA blog. Not a Mario one. Actually, on a more serious note - the article is pretty spot on about Ganny’s failings. Though, you might have given him a little more credit for Oot - he did get his paws on Hyrule for 7 years ;)

    thebawp said:

    Though, you might have given him a little more credit for Oot - he did get his paws on Hyrule for 7 years ;)

    In which he had the time and power to seal of the Temple of Time, destroy all of the items that Link could’ve used to stop him (sans the Master Sword, obviously), camped out in the Temple of Time with lots of deathtraps… If anything, the fact that he lost interest in the one person who could have defeated him just points out a bit of negligence. ;)

    Ha ha are you sure it’s ok to give advice to Ganondorf

    You have a perfect understanding, but don’t forget that he did mention how he was not allowed to touch the Temple of Time. I don’t remember much of the details, but I remember hearing that in OOT once. He did however destroy Hyrule Castle, Hyrule Town, and took over Link’s Home.

    I loved that! I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair (which is not good, because I have a cliff just behind me. Oh, yeah, and some freaky dragon-thing in front of me. It’s advancing…yeah, I’m in trouble. Help?

    funny stuff TML funy stuff

    • 12. JC says:

    It’s funny, yeah. But it’s also terribly true. He needs to re-invent himself or die. :-p

    Bring on the “Revolution!” ;-)

    Yeah let’s not give Ganondorf any ideas….Like wishing for eternal life with the Triforce or something…………

    chubes said:

    don’t forget that he did mention how he was not allowed to touch the Temple of Time.

    I think they screwed up on this part because if he can’t touch it, how did he get inside to get to the Sacred Realm?

    Anyway, this was interesting. You should be giving Ganon advice, because if he supposed to defeat Link in Twilight Princess, but of course, according to WW, he still got defeated, right?

    Very funny. Well written, and entertaining. Good job.

    Another thing Ganondorf could do is instead of putting easier bosses in the 1st dungeons and harder in the later ones he should put his finest in the 1st dungeons so Link wont be able to beat them because he is weak and he doesn’t have the right items to use on them. And Ganondorf isn’t that bad at being bad guy he is a lot stronger and smarter than a lot others such as Bowser even though I like him as well.

    To: David Hartman
    Provost, University of Evil

    RE: Letter to

    Ganondorf Dragmire
    247 Gates of the Void Parkway, Apartment 3D
    Evil Realm, Hyrule(?) 12345
    Dear Sir,

    Please note that the addressee mentioned above is no linger living at that address. Please update your records as follows:

    Gannondorf Dragmire
    2142 Golden Pyramid Boulevard
    Evil Realm, Hyrule 98765
    Thank you for your time,

    Sincerely,
    Eli Phomann
    Postmaster, Evil Realm Postal Service

    If you don’t know who the hero is, as pertains to your rival Link, killing off the first-born child of everyone in Hyrule might not be an idea

    Someone else tried this once. I don’t recall it working out too well for them, either. ;)

    Bribe the fairies?!? Well… I guess you really really couldn’t kill them. Great stuff though, you made my day less dreary. :)

    TO Gannodorf
    From me
    Stop doing all this weak stuff and give us some action and can u give me the recipe for witch brew from the twins i need to turn my sister into a frog

    Loved it. Maybe Ganondorf should start hiring evil people from other Nintendo games to work for him. You know it will confuse Link to death! haha

    :twilight princess, just before the final battle:

    link:……….aggggg!!!!!!!

    :ganon never would have thought af crushing link during the short talking cinematic before every battle, but he went to UOF and now he never loses a battle!He now rules aver hyrule and has everything he could ever want. Are you having trouble taking over your local kingdom? tired of being defeated by a strangely powerful and usually less than half your size hero? just call 1-877-GET-EVIL, again that’s 1-877-GET-EVIL and join UOF today!:

    No, no, no, no no David Hartman what the *Navi* are you doing dont give old Ganondorf ideas he already has too many what kind of person are you, are you a traitor, why are you betraying Hyrule, why have you turned your back on them and the Hero of Time, did Tingle Ganondorf’s most loyal subject bribe you with all the Money he got off Link translating those Sea Charts during his adventure code named the “Wind Waker” WHY David, WHY, WHY DID YOU DO IT?

    BTW Merry Christmas one and all… except Ganondorf enjoy life traped inside the Evil Realm, HO HO HO HO HO Merry Christmas

    I can see Ganondorf on his throne following Dr. Evil’s rules….

    Ganondorf: “No…I’m just going to leave them in that situation and pretend it all went to plan….What?”

    Agahnim:”………I got a gun in my room….Let me go get it and we’ll kill them together..BAM! Dead. Done.”

    Ganondorf: “One more peep out of you and your grounded and I am not joking mister!”

    That was excellent, it’s great to be able to poke fun at Zelda, however much we love it.

    “Overt weaknesses that can be (and are) taken advantage of in combat”

    That’s hilarious.

    See, by this point, you would think Ganon would just kill every child named “Link”. Sure, there are probably a lot of them (I bet, in Hyrule, it’s the equivalent of “Bob”), but then he can be guaranteed to never have some “hero” come to defeat him again.

    Ganondorf needs to go to the UoV again, he really needs it.And my theory for what happens in TP will be played like a movie scene, and it starts in 5…4…3…2…1 ACTION!

    *Link gave Ganondorf the final strike*
    Link: HYYAAAAHHH!!!
    Zelda: Link, why isn’t he dead, you defeated him with the master sword.
    Ganondorf:Why, insoent fools?Because,I made a wish with the Triforce of Power!The Triforce of Courage has shattered, and scattered in Hyrule’s skies, and I also Wished for Hyrule to be mine!Heh…Heh…Heh.
    Zelda:Link, I’m sorry, but I must use my Triforce.I WISH FOR GANONDORF’S POWER TO BE SEALED AWAY!!!
    *Ganondorf floats in the air and is stripped of his power*
    Ganondorf:Princess, I already called for Hyrule being under my rule, now, you know I cannot be stopped, because when your father dies, I will rule Hyrule.
    *Few decades later, Hyrule is is less populated, Link and Zelda disappears, and Ganondorf Becomes King, but the old king wished to the godesses to save Hyrule from Ganon’s tyranny, and so, with some of the people up in the mountain tops, the godesses made rain from the oceans, and flooded Hyrule, and changing the old King into a boat, to live forever until th Hero shall rise again, and Ganondorf is trapped on his own islands with his followers, and when the rains stopped, Ganondorf realized that Hyrule remains frozen in time, so he bids his time, until his old followers we too old to pilliage and fight, so he used what power he bided to make new minions, and continues to bide untill the Hero risen to power, unleashing Ganondorf’s full power on the way, until they clashed and Ganondorf has been turned to stone, while his alter ego, Ganon, drains the seas from a tainted Golden World, and the Land of Hyrule has once again Rises into power.*

    Wow, I made a long but understanding post, and of course, Proves that Ganondorf needs to work at villiany, same for Ganon.

    I disagree with “Do Not Let Heroes Run around Unabated”. It’s because of that Ganondorf was able to enter the Sacred Realm in Ocarina of Time.

    Ganondorf: Lets see if u can get out of this trap.
    Link:can i finish my cuco eggs first.
    Ganondorf: Fine then ill rule the world
    (LInk then throws the eggs ub ganondorfs eyes then hits him with sword he turns to stone BUT the eggs are still ok)
    Link: i wonder if that cooked the eggs Malon cant cook next time i want eggs ill go find some fire slug and use that.

    He didn’t make very many mistakes on OoT. But on TWW had Ganondorf kept his mouth shut, Link could’ve been finished after defeating the Helmaroc King. Hear that, Ganny? Less talking, more killing!

    ROFL!!! Good stuff, good stuff. Proves a lot of pointts. Kudos for you, TML

    Oh, btw, i just watched your fantasy fiction presentation and thought it was marvelous! Nice touch outting Chrono Trigger in there, too!

    Nabooru is my idol said:

    Maybe Ganondorf should start hiring evil people from other Nintendo games to work for him.

    Hey! I’m making a game with rm2k where he and Bowser team up. Coincidence?

    queenhank said:

    See, by this point, you would think Ganon would just kill every child named “Link”… then he can be guaranteed to never have some “hero” come to defeat him again.

    I think the reason he deosn’t do that is because he wants to be the one to kill Link, but the reason he makes it hard for Link to get to him is so that he can get more power in the meantime. Letting him run around is a very stupid idea, though…

    Hey! I’m making a game with rm2k where he and Bowser team up. Coincidence?

    I’m writing a SSB fic where Ganny and Bowser team up to kidnap Peach and Zelda. It’s on Fanfiction.net, and it’s called Super Smash Bros. Insanity.

    To combat TML’s letter (possibly not as funny but just for fun) my letter to Vaati.

    Villian’s Limbo

    Dear Vaati:
    We request that you come to Villian’s University.We noticed your failed attempts in the past in the following order:
    1.Stealing a magical cap and transformed yourself to Human, blowing a possible cover to rule the land as an unseen creature.
    2.Turning the Royal Princess to stone thereby making a hero appear.
    3.Changing yourself into a patra-like creature in an attempt to destroy said hero.
    4.After you had escaped the original Four Sword, and kidnapped several maidens thereby creating an unidentified hero.
    5.Capturing the Royal Princess moments of your Second escape, leaving you very weak.
    and finally,6.Becoming a pawn in Ganon’s plans to destroy a hero.
    We feel if you come, you might not only become the second reacurring villian as your predecessor, Ganon, but you may have better experince, and maybe successful, thankyou.

    University of Villians
    846 Atlantis Drive, New Hyrule
    Planet Hylia 90210

    Funny or what.Maybe not as funny, but I made a point.

    Killing all the male first born of Hyrule could be one way of killing Link off for good, but what if he was reborn as a… GIRL, MWAHAHAHA old Ganondorf wouldnt see that one coming.

    Maybe he could take some lessons from some bosses from the Final Fantasy series (notably entries IV and VI).

    da_SOUL_surgeon said:

    Maybe he could take some lessons from some bosses from the Final Fantasy series (notably entries IV and VI).

    what about Sephiroth? he kicks ass! Ganny could take a few pointers from Sephy… (Now im gonna get yelled at for calling him Sephy… Could been worse–coulda called him Sephers. But even i think thats extreme…)

    Robert-UK said:

    Killing all the male first born of Hyrule could be one way of killing Link off for good, but what if he was reborn as a… GIRL, MWAHAHAHA old Ganondorf wouldnt see that one coming.

    You are crafty, but what if all the girls were hypnotised to be only housewives, its happened before (but more of a pawn rather than cleaning dishes) so Link could also be reborn either *listed below* Deku;goron;zora;rabbit;wolf;and possibly, a male gerudo.Pick a choice.

    I also forgot to mention that when Ganondorf rerose to power, Link was in another country, so any male born outside wouldn’t count, am I right or what.

    LOL!!!!!!!!

    Link the Heroine of Time, lol

    The Missing Link said:

    thebawp said:

    Though, you might have given him a little more credit for Oot - he did get his paws on Hyrule for 7 years ;)

    In which he had the time and power to seal of the Temple of Time, destroy all of the items that Link could’ve used to stop him (sans the Master Sword, obviously), camped out in the Temple of Time with lots of deathtraps… If anything, the fact that he lost interest in the one person who could have defeated him just points out a bit of negligence. ;)

    Well, Ganondorf witnessed Link being trapped in the Sacred Realm, so he had nothing to worry about. That’s until events proved him wrong, though.

    Darth Link said:

    Well, Ganondorf witnessed Link being trapped in the Sacred Realm, so he had nothing to worry about. That’s until events proved him wrong, though.

    That was a good point, Ganondorf thought he had nothing to worry about, and that was his very first mistake, actually, it was when he met Link the first time (when Link’s nightmare came true) and he could’ve killed him there, but didn’t, and didn’t attempt to seal off the Temple of Time, and didn’t.Then in WW, he neglected to send his bird to look for Link’s body.I would like to understand why certain people are Ganondorf fans.

    Well… old Ganondorf does have his charms hes a bad guy in the Doctor Evil mold, hey why cant we get a little Ganon clone like Mini Me “And I shall call him Mini G”XD.

    Note:Four more posts after mine and someone wins the 5oth post trophy.
    back to subject: Mini Ganny, now there’s a laugh.Of course, the closest things to that are Phantom Ganon and Puppet Ganon.While Ganon lives, Ganondorf becomes a new doorstop.

    I think that this is true. Ganondorf is a bama when it comes to planning his evil plots out. He just puts em out there.Thinks Link is just dumb and that Zelda wont fight 4 herself. So he does this and that. Zelda tells Link wat to do and wat temple he needs to go to and whatever. So he does everything and she does her part (act like a princess who cant protect herself)and gets kidnapped. Then he saves her, she starts acting like shes got it.Takes her arrow, frezes him, then Link kills him and the beat goes on and on. Well that stated on OOT and countiuned on to WW. Its sad isnt it???

    Not as sad as these next few things- Tingle, Tingle’s family, Knuckle (who isnt related to Tingle but wants to dress like him), Tingle blatently STEALING all of my well earned Rupees just to translate my maps and lastly TINGLE, TINGLE, TINGLE, FREAKIN TINGLE ARGHHHHHHH.

    Ganondorf is worse than Tingle. I think we should give Tingle some props. He’s worked hard to do things for Link for a very small price. Tingle is a nice, gentle soul and we shouldnt say such things bout him. Tingle is the bestest thing besides Link. Ganondorf isnt the best planner, so we have no choice but to give honour to my loyal (con-artist) map making friend Tingle the reward!!!Love 4 the tingles all over the world!!!

    Havent you figured it out yet Babygurl, Tingle works for old Ganon/dorf only he could create something so horrificially annoying

    BTW I just won the award for the 50th post, BOOYAH I RULE

    wait until I announce it…CONGRATULATIONS ROBERT-UK, YOU’VE WON THE 50TH POST AWARD!!!ok back to the subject.Anyways, a university for villians, must be crappier than public school, if Ganon never beaten Link.And Tingle wasn’t created by Ganon, he was created by Veran (possibly the mother, I just disgusted myself)

    You know…If Link some how gets ahold of this letter, you could probably be sure that he’d disguise himself and attend the meeting just to learn the newest Villiany tactics. Lol. Ah, TML, I love you. This is just great!…So… If I really email that address, you think I could get in? Lol. ~.^

    How about a University for Minions-

    Hey calling all you Moblins, Skulltullas, Lizalfos, Wizrobes… and Dark Link. Are you tired of being beaten by a young Hero time and time again then look no further because University for Minions is just for you.

    BTW, WHA… I DONT WIN ANYTHING, wheres my Link plushie ill even take a Tingle plushie…. I promise I wont torture him *evil laugh*

    *Robert UK gets a Tingle Pinata*Ok, its just a RP thing, use your imagination.There should be an old villian’s home too *thinks of Koume and Kotake*

    Koume:Ahhh.Its good to get away from the green lands of Hyrule and rest here in the desert.
    Kotake: *yawns* yep, I hear they’re sending some children with a wolfos over.Hey, lets scare the kids and take the mutt.
    Koume:Good ide…They’re here *snickers under breath*
    *a child in green comes up with a wolfos*
    Koume:Com’ere kid.
    Kotake:AWWW, what a nice little puppy.
    *child removes hat to reveal Link*
    both witches: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!0_0

    Hahaha I know Hyrulian Hero I was just kidding.

    I would like a Tingle pinata.But I’m serious for a Villian’s Home, its some place to get sitting ducks.

    Maybe you could make a Tingle Pinata?

    I also believe that, if Mr Dragmire was particularly serious about putting a stop to a certain green clad hero (particularly in Ocarina), he would not waste time playing on a demonic organ and instead take potshots at the aforementioned hero from his prime marksman position at the top of his impregnable tower o’ DOOM! ™ while he scurried about trying to break barriers.