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A.S.S.A - Know Your ReDead

November 1st, 2005 at 2:11 am by Darth Citrus

I didn’t plan for this article to come out around Halloween. I don’t even celebrate it. But it’s an odd coincidence that this one happened to be the next one on my list.

I have found that most people walk around blissfully unaware of what to do if they are attacked by a ReDead. A new poll done in my head shows that 91% of all people would be eaten by a ReDead within the first few hours of Ganon’s rise to power. Therefore, I have compiled some useful information in this edition of A Somewhat Serious Article: KNOW YOUR REDEAD.

Background
ReDeads are simply reanimated people that have been returned to life thanks to Ganon’s power. Being a corpse and all, ReDead’s generally have the appearance of decomposed brown skin, and an emotionless face that lacks eyes and teeth.

Regarding Food
ReDeads are stupid. But that doesn’t stop them from eating. Hence when you approach them, they will emit a high pitched scream that have you frozen in fear. The scream reaches around 20KHZ and upwards, causing pain to any normal human or hylian. Analysis indicates that the sound that is emitted is either the scream of a banshee or the song “Believe” by Cher.

When the prey is immobilized, ReDeads take their time walking toward you, in which case the smart ones will “get the *Navi* out of there”. Those that are more inclined to see what the ReDead is up to, will get jumped on and eaten. Do NOT be one of those people.

Survival
Now that you know what they are, its time for you to learn how to survive. Here are a few tips that you should do if you suspect ReDeads to be approaching soon.

1. Spend your childhood growing up in a forest being the only child that ages. When the time comes, pull out the Master Sword and wait 7 years. Use as necessary.

2. (Females Only) Become the Princess of Hyrule. Suspect a plot within the castle BUT TELL ONLY ANOTHER CHILD. When the time is right, have your nursemaid flee with you from the castle and learn the ways of the Sheikah.

3. Become a ReDead yourself.

For those of you that can’t or don’t want to do any of the three, here is some practical advice to aid your survival:

Weapons
Obviously, you are going to need some sort of weapon if you plan to continue living. If you’re the strong, muscular type, go with a sword, preferably enchanted to combat the forces of evil. If not, a broken table leg will do fine.

If you’re the ranged kind of person, you’re going to want a bow and some fire arrows. Head over to Lake Hylia and shoot a normal arrow into the sun. Pick up the one that comes back. Repeat.

Location
This is also important. You want to hide in someplace that ReDeads won’t be. Here are a few places you do NOT want to find yourself in:

- Ganon’s Tower
- Hyrule Market (What’s left of it)
- Graveyards
- Tombs (No matter how cool they may seem)
- Ikana Canyon
- The Shadow Temple
- The Earth Temple
- Any sort of temple
- Any sort of dungeon
- Lost
- Hyrule Field at Night
- Bottom of the Well (For whatever reason you have)
- Bars (You need to keep your wits about you. You can’t do that if your drunk)

Overall Strategy
It’ll be a long seven years before the Hero of Time comes and clears everything up. You’re going to have to stay sharp if you want to survive. If after all my advice you STILL get grabbed, struggle valiantly and try to escape. Remember, no one ever achieved anything by staying still and getting eaten.

Always carry your sword/bow/rock/plank around. Travel with people who know their way around Hyrule, and capture a few fairies just incase. Keep you head about you and you should be happy, safe, and ReDead free.

And finally, NEVER underestimate the ReDead’s ability to freeze you in your place. You may have trained yourself to withstand their screams, but they will always find a way to cause you pain.

I think that speaks for itself, as we once again come to the end of A Somewhat Serious Article.

Filed under Humor, A.S.S.A.

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Comments

“Analysis indicates that the sound that is emitted is either the scream of a banshee or the song “Believe” by Cher.”

Fantastic stuff. You made me grin, anyway. :D

Remember, kids: DUCK AND COVER!

If only I had known that yesterday…

Thanks anyways.

I think that the ReDead is Cher…. or possibly Sonny, or both, lol

Hey wait a sec the ReDeads were around when Link was a kid so I dont think Ganondorf created them

That was pretty funny and I didn’t know that you can kill redeads with fire arrows.

Robert-UK says:
Hey wait a sec the ReDeads were around when Link was a kid so I dont think Ganondorf created them

Ah, but a large amount of them that you see in the future are a result of Ganon’s power. And besides, Ganon was still around when Link was a kid. Who is to say he didn’t make those ReDeads as well? :P

LOL Darth Citrus! The *Navi* thing is a stroke of pure genius!

Thank you. :D Its been an inside joke on my site for the last 3 years, but I use it all the time now. I added the link so people wouldn’t be confused. :P

what am i do about caribian redeads and why do redeads get it on with u

OMG! Darth Citrus did you make the Exploding Deku Nut???? I had NO idea!!! I LOVE IT!!!! Gosh you always come up with the funniest things, at the exact moment when I’m feeling the worst! Thanks for making me smile, Darth.

Geez. I REALLY hate those things, whether its in Ooa or TWW. I knew how to get rid of them in TWW, but only after I spent 10 minutes running around hyrule market with a redead on me screaming like a schoolgirl. Like an idiot, I kept drinking potions, prolonging my suffering. To top it off, I was to panicked to realzie that I should have exited. :P
Of course, in TWW, that’s a different story.
But personally, I think cuccos are a LOT more dangerous.

Oh yeah, I forgot. STAY AWAY FROM THOSE THINGS, PERIOD! And you will be safe.

That was an awesome article, Darth Citrus. It reminds me of that book “The Zombie Survival Guide : Complete Protection from the Living Dead” by Max Brooks. Brilliant stuff. ;)

Fun Rumors and Stuff on ReDeads:
ReDeads have no periferal vision on OoT. Just go around behind them and smash them to death. All other ReDeads in the area cannot attack when mourning the loss of their brethren.

Nintendo’s official strategy guide for OoT mentioned something about ReDeads not being the re-animated corpses of fallen people, just another monster born of evil, like poes. At least, I think I remember reading it there… I know I read something about that somewhere…

WW ReDeads, however, do have peripheral vision, but they have bad timing. When they freeze you just make sure that when you get out of it you’re locked on and ready to stab. The effect of the freeze should wear off by the time you are in range.

Fire arrows don’t seem to work on ReDeads… but Din’s Fire is a sure fire way (no pun intended) to burn them to a crisp.

Hyrule Town ReDeads cannot freeze you with their screams, for some odd reason.

For some reason, crouching as a child with the Hylian shield on in OoT does not protect against ReDeads…

A Sun’s Song a day keeps the ReDead away! ;)

Dang, I haven’t played OOT for so long. I just assumed, you know like Zombies, you can kill them with fire. :S

Ah well it still stands. Just keep pegging them in the head.

Nabooru is my idol says:
OMG! Darth Citrus did you make the Exploding Deku Nut???? I had NO idea!!! I LOVE IT!!!! Gosh you always come up with the funniest things, at the exact moment when I’m feeling the worst! Thanks for making me smile, Darth.

lol, thanks. Yeah EDN is my site. A.S.S.A was orginally posted there. But I’m slowly transfering articles and writing new ones on ZB. :D

Solution: Make them dance……….with those….creepy masks

i think chickens in OoT and the pigs in TWW are a lot dangerous than redeads.

Omgsh it looks sooooo funny when they dance in MM!

Hey when you guys play the Zelda games do you call him Link or do you use your own names?

I don’t know about you guys, but when I see a ReDead I sing a little song:
Lock your doors and windows!
Lock your houses too!
ReDeads are outside tonight,
Attacking me and you!
They will come to get us,
And chop us all to Bits!
And eat all the town, and its inhabitants!

Then I whip out my shotgun and go RE4 on them.

Ouch. I pity them when you go out hunting.

The most effective way to slash them into oblivion is to do a jump attack. If they try to Cher you into submission, you’ll just come down and slash them, which makes them stop screaming.

Miyamoto revealed in a press conference today that ReDeads are the reincarnations of the people who spent way too much time at the mirror. When they scream, they’re really going, “WHERE’S MY MASCARA?”

Hey Robert-UK!

Always Link! No better name for him! Nothing else really sounds right.

Man I hate Redead. Everytime they screamed I would jump in my seat and freeze along with with Link.

To answer your question Robert-UK: When I first get a new Zelda game, the first slot I always use Link. And then, since I’m a girl, I use either actors names that I think are hot *blushes and smiles* and/or guys that I like at the time of the naming! ^_^

Thats really ne AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! help!!!!!!!!!#[email protected]

The redead killed slyness.Oh no it’s coming for me. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That’s good I ran into my house.

P.S. Nice website DC.

Another solution: Play the Sun song to make them freeze

I like how you combined the webcomic and the A.S.S.A. I just can’t stop laughing every time I read one of your articles, whether it be satire or A.S.S.A, you’re a genius!

Robert-Uk I always name my files Jason because my sister names her’s Link (I’m a girl so I alway went with my favorite male cousin’s name)

Good man Link-X, Link is the man (or boy, lol) and he has the coolest name of any game character, but when I play a new Zelda game I always call him Link on the first play through but on the second I give him my own name, once I called him Tingle, hahaha

Tingle?? I hope that was on like OoA or something!!! lol No I’m kidding.
Redeads are disgusting… I was playing OoT in front of my brother-in-law one day and then I was caught by a Redead. He said that he thought it looked like the thing was humping Link >.

What do you call those Mummy ReDeads again?

^Gibdo, but whether they are redeads or not is up to debate.

how do i start the game

By sticking a fork in the plug socket, lol

Well, actually, on my second slot only I call him Link-X!

Actually Link-X is a version of Link I created. It’s just the Wind Waker Link with Master Swordsman skill-with two Master Swords (one in each hand [yes I think there is only one Master Sword; that’s beside the point]). My logo is that Link making an X with them, slashing down at something. I’m thinking of changing the logo to him (with two swords, still) standing beside an enemy’s carcass that he cut an X into (like Zorro). What think?

Hey if you shoot a Gibdo with a Fire Arrow in Majoras Mask they turn into ReDeads

my way of killing redeads.
let them cher then button mash like crazy till you get un-chered then you chop there heads off(well not really, but)!

My way of dealing with the redead, 1st, i freeze them with the Sun Song, #2A, run or #2B, turn red neck *pulls out a bomb*

One more thing, if ANY redead (magic or reanimated) pulls a Cher, run, no one can survive such bad singing UNLESS they are one of them.

All those fancy ways to kill a redead! I just pull out my Winchester 300 and blow them all away.

Aaah the Resident Evil style I like it Punk Princess Tetra thats my style, great minds think alike eh lol

I found this funny pic somewhere before, it was merely REVENGE (Link on a ReDead, funny) Hey I got something:
Fire Arrows=50,000 ruppees
Light arrows=1,000,000 ruppees
Seeing Link get payback for all the lives he lost to the redeads= :) priceless.There’s nothing like Master Sword Card.

*a voice from the ceiling booms overhead)
Facts about our joker-in-training, HH:
He’s scared of the ReDead.
He plays the Sun Song when they’re near.
He has nightmares of being chased by ReDead more than anything else.
He wishes to carry around his own Light Arrows.
HH:’TIS ALL TRUE!!!I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE!Ok, I’m good.

The ONLY thing that gives me nightmares is…. *eek* Wallmasters, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM.

Ok, this is the only past ASSA article that hasn’t reached fifty yet.I’ll advertise this article on another ASSA to get in some ratings, these are good stuff.