ZeldaBlog

A.S.S.A - The Power Glove Conspiracy

October 14th, 2005 at 10:18 pm by Darth Citrus

The following article is not for the light of heart. I’m warning you in this little blurb right now, so you don’t accidentally click the link and succumb to the horrors within. What I am about to reveal to you will be so shocking it will cause you to lie awake for hours questioning the very essence of Zelda itself. All because of this:

Those that are smart shouldn’t be reading this sentence right now. The rest of you have been warned.

As customary of A Somewhat Serious Article, I strive to bring out a point that no one else would care rupees about. But what I found not only startled me, it led me to question the very idea of how Link could save Hyrule.

Thus welcome to another Somewhat Serious Article, In this edition, I will be discussing THE POWER GLOVE CONSPIRACY.

Don’t blame me if you can’t sleep after this.

Behold the Power Glove. Thing of power and strength. It bestows its wearer with the strength of 500 Hylians. In “A Link to the Past” this glove is found in the second dungeon and allows Link to lift those huge green rocks that block his way.

Now I, like numerous Zelda fans before me, was completely engrossed in the game. Foolishly, I simply collected the glove and continued on, eager to show Ganon a bit of my pwnage skillz. It wasn’t until 6 years later that I finally realized the horrible truth.
Link only found ONE glove.

That’s right. On the screen, it says “Power GLOVE” singular. One glove, nothing more. Yet, walking out of that palace, Link picks walks right up to the closest green boulder and lifts it with BOTH hands.

Shocked yet? It gets much better. For those of you, who think Link is simply steadying the rock with his bare hand, try the following experiment:

Using an oven mitt, (Kids have your parents permission before you do this) walk to the closest bed you can find and lift it above your head just like Link does. Now steady the bed by just using your right hand and left thumb. Can you do it? Me neither.

Clearly, Link should be totally incapable of lifting something that huge even with the Power Glove. Overlooking this gross error, I decided to obtain the Titan Mitt. As I inched my way to through the dungeon, I hoped that this mitt would solve all the problems caused by the Power Glove. Instead it only made things much worse.

He only gets ONE mitt.

“But Darth” you say to your computer screen, “That solves the problem. He can wear the Power Glove on one hand and the Titan Mitt on the other. Quite, except for one problem.

They are both right handed gloves. It didn’t matter that Link has two gloves. Link is still forced to use one hand to lift all those boulders. Unless he turned one of the gloves inside out, which I’m sure would weaken him instead. But we’ll talk about that another time. The point is that Link, wearing only one glove Power or Titan, cannot lift those rocks. While he obviously does in the game, it is simply a gross error on the part of the programmers and game designers.

If Link in theory cannot lift those rocks, he can’t continue with his quest. Link would have never been able to travel to the Dark World. The Seven Maidens would have never been freed. Hyrule should have fallen into Ganon’s hands way before Ocarina of Time was made. All because Link found one glove instead of two, preventing him from ever entering Death Mountain.

I warned you this would scare you. If there is such a mistake with one item, what’s not to say there’s a mistake with other items? Is the Master Sword REALLY the sword of evils bane? Do Fire Arrows REALLY come from the sun? Does the Silver Scale REALLY let you stay underwater longer? And slowly the games begin to unwind themselves. The timeline is forever changed, and all hope of game continuity is lost.

Horrifying isn’t it? Everything you thought you knew about Zelda, fallen to absolute pieces. And don’t even get me started about this little picture from the Oracle Series:

So now you know the truth. Now you know the horrible secret of the Power Glove conspiracy. Everything you thought you knew about Zelda has been turned upside down. Something that no one else has ever seen has suddenly been forced into the light. And as the questions pour in; Nintendo can no longer deny this conspiracy. The kind of conspiracy you would expect, in A Somewhat Serious Article.

Filed under Humor, A Link to the Past, A.S.S.A.

Follow This Entry

54 Messages from the Gossip Stones about “A.S.S.A - The Power Glove Conspiracy”

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  • Trackback from Exploding Deku Nut:

A.S.S.A Archive

Comments

Hmmmm…I never thought about that. In fact, I never noticed it. It dose indeed turn all that I know about zelda upside down…but I dougt it will keep me up all night…but then again…….

You made my day. Now I can go to sleep smiling.

I…wait…no, this can’t be happening!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Nicely done, I thought it was somewhat half-baked up until the part about both gloves being right handed. It certainly wont keep me up though, not alot will when its 4:30 in the morning hehe.

Great. For the rest of the day, Link will be horribly intertwined with visions of Michael Jackson. Good going.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go poke out my eyes with a Deku Stick.

didn’t they make this right in Ocarina of time? With the golden gaunlets and silver?
Oh and what about the goron’s bracelet? Link had it on one arm so, does that mean he can’t use his other? =P

Must…resist…compulsion…to take…article…seriously….aaaargh! x.x

Who says bodily location has anything to do with how the power glove really works?! If it really only strengthened the part of Link that it was touching, it would have to be a full body suit, or else Link’s legs would be crushed underneath him after picking up the boulder! And yes, what crazyfreak said about the Goron’s Bracelet applies too, somehow I don’t think making Link’s wrist alone stronger would’ve helped much. Just putting this stuff on infuses Link’s whole body with extra strength, it doesn’t matter what type of article it is.

…Sorry, illogic draws me like a shark to blood. x.x

  • 8. JC says:

I almost took it seriously for a second too, XD.

But who cares. Maybe one glove powers his whole body?? Maybe he left one Glove in there during the whole series? Who knows.

Argh, now I must refute logic. Maybe it makes his arm so strong that he can lift a bed with but hand. He just kinda puts his other one up there for show.

People have often asked “How come the Power Glove doesn’t make Link attack stronger”.

Which is easily answered. Link is left handed, the glove is not.

But Masaume, in Link to the Past, when Link faces east, he uses the sword in his right hand. Explain those apples! ;)

Hyrule is obviously in the Northern Hemisphere, so the magnetic interference from the North Pole messes with the gloves when he faces away from the North Pole and negates any additional benefit.

Hmm…but what if those gloves and other items have some sort of powder steriod thing inside them that seeps into link’s body through his skin, giving him pink hair in ALTTP, but also, giving his body the strength it needs to lift those rocks! Mmm….either that, or he takes a lot of vitamins…..Oh, Wait! *light bulb blinks on* What if it’s that “Mind Over Matter” thing? Sure! Links is all negative about his quest, depressed because his home and his princess are in danger. then he get that glove that tells him “You can do it!’ and then he’s thinking positive and when you put your mind to it, you can do ANYTHING! Link was already a really strong gu, he just never realized it because he never put his mind to it until those gloves come along with those itchy tags on the inside that say “you can do it! SO JUST DO IT!”
Heh…the mind is an amazing thing…..

  • 13. JC says:

Masamune is official not human. :-p

Ah, but you’re all forgetting the even LARGER conspiracy at hand! I mean…think about it! One Power Glove…A single RIGHT-HANDED Power Glove!! Do I have to spell it out for you?! Does Nintendo have you so brainwashed that your little automaton minds can’t grasp the larger picture?!! COME ON, PEOPLE!!! It’s the freaking POWER GLOVE!!!!!! Don’t you see? It all makes sense when you think about it! First, Nintendo is a simple toy company, until the NES comes along! Think about it! “N E S”! Three letters, all capitalized! And then, when it comes time for phase 3 of their plan, who makes the Power Glove? PAX! That’s right, folks! “P A X”! “N E S”! Just THINK of the implications! But you may ask, “if that’s Phase 3, what was Phase 1?”…well, try to think for yourselves for a minute here, OKAY?!! NES…PAX…LHO…JFK? Hmm?! Didn’t think of that, did you?! That’s right! Why is it that Link becomes right handed when facing the east? Because JFK’s head went BACK AND TO THE LEFT! That means Link was in front of him, and used his RIGHT HAND! The hand which, incidentally, is wearing the PAX POWERGLOVE!!! AT LAST!! THE TRUTH IS SET FREE!!! Finally, you are all aware of this conspiracy!!!!

…wait…”conspiracy”…”cons…PIRACY”! Oh…my…GAWD…IT WAS ALL THE PIRATES’ DOING!!!! BEWARE, ME HEARTIES!! ‘TIS THE PIRATES WHAT BE MAKIN’ ALL THE…NO!!!! THEY’VE GOTTEN TO ME!!! AAAAARRRRRRR, MATEY!!!!

That’s hilarious because they did the same thing in Ocarina of Time, when you open the chest only one gauntlet shows up when Link holds it up. Maybe he just holds the other hand up for support?

But in OoT he actaully wears two. I assume that he only bothers to hold one up because they are both the same.

  • 17. JC says:

Maybe Link hates even numbers!

Does this mean Link’s a number nazi? XD

spikerman said:
Maybe he just holds the other hand up for support?

Ah I thought that too. But remember the whole hold up the bed test? I tried it and almost broke my arm. Now since my right arm is incredibly strong, I should have been able to lift that bed with my right hand, steading it with my left. Nope. Now if I can’t even lift a stupid bed, how can Link lift a whole boulder? Thats the basis of the expierment. By the way has anyone else tried doing it yet?

My arm hurts. And my wrist. And my legs. And my head. And everywhere else. I know I shouldn’t have gotten such a big bed. And to answer TML, the reason he uses his right hand while facing east is to save memory space on the cartridge. Instead of having to make him use his left hand to hold his sword and his shield in his right, you can just flip the sprite of him while he’s facing west. But…one glove…? Okay. Time for my idea. EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! Okay, the Power Glove and Titan’s Mitt are both right handed gloves and there are only one of each. The Titan’s Mitt simply slips over the Power Glove, which increases Link’s strength even more. How did he know this? There was a tag that said “Wear over Hyrulean Brand Power Glove for maximum effect.” And then this inspires Michael Jackson’s one-glove thing. Coincidentaly, after Link saved Hyrule, everybody wore one glove on Link’s birthday because they wanted to be like him, and little Michael took things a little too seriously. I think you all see where this is going.

Michael Jackson is a Hylian?

This is an EASY one, the Glove gives power to both hands

YOU ARE ALL NUTTIER THAN A DEKU NUT

O_O OMG

I knew that they just mirrored the sprite for Link looking left/Link looking right to save space. But Nintendo did try to pass that off as a silly superstition of Link’s shield always having to face Death Mountain. ;)

Ok I got it now! In Link to the past when you open the chest one glove shows up and he uses both hands…And in Ocarina of Time when you open the chest one gauntlet shows up and he uses both hands…Ok now I know your about to say that you can see the two gauntlents in Ocarina of Time…BUT…You can’t see him with EVEN ONE glove on in Link to the Past…Explain that YOU CANNOT SEE HIM WEAR GLOVES IN LINK TO THE PAST!!

Wow guys, if you get this crazy reading this article, just wait till I do one about the running man. :P

I have the solution! The left glove is stuffed inside the right glove, thus saving space, and making it more easy to carry. Link just pulls out the left glove when he needs it!

Not a chance! I mean, have you EVER seen a left-handed Power Glove? Yarr, there be not a one!

Its obvios isn’t it? Link keeps item stashed inside his tunic and secretly uses them when needed. THis explains why when one enemy attacked me i got more health. And he didn’t leave a heart.

That’s just what they WANT you to think! Open your eyes! You’re playing right into the hands of the Pepsi Generation! They’re using you like a pawn! Or is it like a prawn? Come on! Out with it! Are you a chess piece or a shellfish?! ANSWER ME!! YARR!! I’LL SCUPPER THE LOT O’ YA!

Funny! But really, I think you think about these things too much.

  • 32. Vaa says:

And how do you know he didn’t already have a left handed glove, and was simply completing his set? Hmm? Hmm?

Exactly.

Well yeah it was funny, but the game script says “you can feel the power coursing through your veins I mean it woould be pretty stupid for a power glove to only give power to what it is covering ’cause then you would have a very strong grip, but nothing to back it up with. I think one glove is sufficient. In Link’s Awakening don’t you get the power gloves? I thought there was a 2d game where you did. Anyway rest assured that Mr. Myamoto would not leave Link stranded in a dungeon with only one glove. Ganon is not smart enough to do that. Which brings me to another point if Link has those power gloves, what would happen if he got into a wrestling match with Ganon? I imagine that Link would have the upper hand because even if Five hundred Hylians could be easily wiped out by Ganon if the power of those Hylians were concentrated in one solitary hero (i.e. Link) then Ganon would be at a severe disadvantage in my opinion. I mean Ganon is big and all, but in OoT with the Golden Gauntlets, Link can throw a hundred foot tall pillar a football fields length over his back. And I don’t see Ganon with the ability to fly so next time Link rolls under Ganon’s legs if he grabbed the tail instead of hacking at it. He could pull of a little Mario 64 move and the king of evil would take a nice little lava dip.

OK, see the problem is without the power gloves Link is only strong enough without them to actually lift one glove. That’s why he only gets one Power Glove.

Heh, I never noticed that…lol. I donno. I think they may have done that on pupose…who knows?

Duh!

I mean, where does Link puts 50 bombs, 70 arrows, 4 bottles, a hookshot, 2 rods, 2 canes, a giant magic mushroom, a set of 12 Big Keys and compasses, a boomerang, flippers and a cape? And without seeing even one of ‘em?

If you’re searching so baldly for an explanation, let’s just say that wearing the glove makes another one appear.

He put’s it all in his magic pouch, it all shrinks when he puts it in there, when he pulls it out it grows back to normal size…..But then again you can’t see that either, IT WILL NEVER END WILL IT?!?!

Maybe it’s best if we just overlook this concept?

That is pretty weird. It seems like he wouldn’t of been able to pick up those rocks with one glove. To much thinking.(faints).

I have a freind who took your “nintendo gains approval to police the internet” seriously.

thanks…..now where did i put my sword?

I have to agree with Robert-UK on this one: wearing one glove imparts power to the whole body, not just the hand the glove is on. So it doesn’t matter that he has one glove, ’cause one is all it takes.

so u have found my plot out after so many years it is to late the non pluar wepans are in place for the next 10 games prepare for the return of magicly geting arows for a ruppe only one glove and braclet i cant lose now

  • 44. jrz says:

you forgot to say bwahahahahaha! for your evil laugh

bwabebaewabe thats bowsers

ganon’s ha!ha!ha!ha!!ha!!!!!!!!

XD Hahahhahaa
That is all I have to say
Hahahahahhaa

My theory is that the power glove can strengthen then heart, pumping more blood faster, meaning more oxygen can get to various parts of the body, including the brain.When the brain gets the oxygen, it tells the muscles in the limbs to work harder, meaning lifting more weight.And the reason Link III only has one glove is because his ancestor lost the left gloves.

HERE IS THE ANSWER!!!! The reason that he gets two lefthanded gloves is that HE HIMSELF HAS TWO LEFT HANDS!!!!!!!!!! The answer to the conspiricy has been revealed! BWAHAHAHA!!!!! (But I’m still not gonna get any sleep just the same.)

jrz said:

you forgot to say bwahahahahaha! for your evil laugh

bwabebaewabe thats bowsers

ganon’s ha!ha!ha!ha!!ha!!!!!!!!

I thought that Ganon’s laugh was “Heh…heh….heh.”
ANOTHER MYSTERY TO SOLVE!

Speaking of ALttP, why is Link’s Hair purple?

You know Link, he likes to dye his hair to look cool and keep up with the latest fashions, or did the Queer Eye for the Striaght Guy team get to him, lol

Punk Princess Tetra said:

HERE IS THE ANSWER!!!! The reason that he gets two lefthanded gloves is that HE HIMSELF HAS TWO LEFT HANDS!!!!!!!!!! The answer to the conspiricy has been revealed! BWAHAHAHA!!!!! (But I’m still not gonna get any sleep just the same.)

But the glove is for the right hand.Pay attention to the things, don’t just go through the posts.

I never recall Link actually having the gloves on his hand. Perhaps his just possessing them and retaining them near his body gives him strength.

Well, the pic for Link is too small for the Human eye (but we can get the minish to help) According to Ezlo, purple ruppees make them appear.