The following article is not for the light of heart. I’m warning you in this little blurb right now, so you don’t accidentally click the link and succumb to the horrors within. What I am about to reveal to you will be so shocking it will cause you to lie awake for hours questioning the very essence of Zelda itself. All because of this:
Those that are smart shouldn’t be reading this sentence right now. The rest of you have been warned.
As customary of A Somewhat Serious Article, I strive to bring out a point that no one else would care rupees about. But what I found not only startled me, it led me to question the very idea of how Link could save Hyrule.
Thus welcome to another Somewhat Serious Article, In this edition, I will be discussing THE POWER GLOVE CONSPIRACY.
Don’t blame me if you can’t sleep after this.
Behold the Power Glove. Thing of power and strength. It bestows its wearer with the strength of 500 Hylians. In “A Link to the Past” this glove is found in the second dungeon and allows Link to lift those huge green rocks that block his way.
Now I, like numerous Zelda fans before me, was completely engrossed in the game. Foolishly, I simply collected the glove and continued on, eager to show Ganon a bit of my pwnage skillz. It wasn’t until 6 years later that I finally realized the horrible truth.
That’s right. On the screen, it says “Power GLOVE” singular. One glove, nothing more. Yet, walking out of that palace, Link picks walks right up to the closest green boulder and lifts it with BOTH hands.
Shocked yet? It gets much better. For those of you, who think Link is simply steadying the rock with his bare hand, try the following experiment:
Using an oven mitt, (Kids have your parents permission before you do this) walk to the closest bed you can find and lift it above your head just like Link does. Now steady the bed by just using your right hand and left thumb. Can you do it? Me neither.
Clearly, Link should be totally incapable of lifting something that huge even with the Power Glove. Overlooking this gross error, I decided to obtain the Titan Mitt. As I inched my way to through the dungeon, I hoped that this mitt would solve all the problems caused by the Power Glove. Instead it only made things much worse.
He only gets ONE mitt.
“But Darth” you say to your computer screen, “That solves the problem. He can wear the Power Glove on one hand and the Titan Mitt on the other. Quite, except for one problem.
They are both right handed gloves. It didn’t matter that Link has two gloves. Link is still forced to use one hand to lift all those boulders. Unless he turned one of the gloves inside out, which I’m sure would weaken him instead. But we’ll talk about that another time. The point is that Link, wearing only one glove Power or Titan, cannot lift those rocks. While he obviously does in the game, it is simply a gross error on the part of the programmers and game designers.
If Link in theory cannot lift those rocks, he can’t continue with his quest. Link would have never been able to travel to the Dark World. The Seven Maidens would have never been freed. Hyrule should have fallen into Ganon’s hands way before Ocarina of Time was made. All because Link found one glove instead of two, preventing him from ever entering Death Mountain.
I warned you this would scare you. If there is such a mistake with one item, what’s not to say there’s a mistake with other items? Is the Master Sword REALLY the sword of evils bane? Do Fire Arrows REALLY come from the sun? Does the Silver Scale REALLY let you stay underwater longer? And slowly the games begin to unwind themselves. The timeline is forever changed, and all hope of game continuity is lost.
Horrifying isn’t it? Everything you thought you knew about Zelda, fallen to absolute pieces. And don’t even get me started about this little picture from the Oracle Series:
So now you know the truth. Now you know the horrible secret of the Power Glove conspiracy. Everything you thought you knew about Zelda has been turned upside down. Something that no one else has ever seen has suddenly been forced into the light. And as the questions pour in; Nintendo can no longer deny this conspiracy. The kind of conspiracy you would expect, in A Somewhat Serious Article.Follow This Entry
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